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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 23 of 23. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by happyflower on April 3, 2006, at 14:44:42
Yup, he had me first thing today. Lucky him. All was fine until he asked me how I am feeling compaired to last year. I said I am no longer scared, but I am very sad.
Then we got into how I feel nobody has ever really cared about me, how love is just an illusion, how everyone eventually sh*ts on me, and how some people are lucky and some are like me unlucky. Yes, the good stuff I am doing is only keeping my head above water, really it just covers up my pain of my life. Yes, I am happyflower, but really I am sadflower with a mask. Maybe I let my T see behind that mask today for the first time. I could tell he was really stuggling to say something to me, but everything he could say, I could conterreact with yeah, well this is what I have learned from my life exerience.
I don't know maybe people who do great things in life are the ones who have suffered the most. Maybe it makes us strong. But it is getting hard to keep fighting some days. Yes, I am happier than last year, but that is very relative, maybe I should say I am less sad than last year, maybe the would be more accurate.
Living in a loveless marriage sucks, living a loveless childhood sucks too. When will happyflower get some happiness and love? Or will I die alone like I was when I came into this world?
So can you I wonder if my T regrets asking me how I am feeling. Well now he knows. Yes, I can do lots of good things but underneath it all I am just a sad flower wanting love and a hug.
Posted by Gee on April 3, 2006, at 15:21:02
In reply to I think I started my T's week off bad, posted by happyflower on April 3, 2006, at 14:44:42
((((((happyflower))))))
I'm so sorry your don't feel loved. It's hard to take the mask off and let anyone see behind it. But what you did was very brave. I bet you are loved by a lot more people than you think. Your kids, pets, friends...
Stay strong
Posted by LadyBug on April 3, 2006, at 15:40:05
In reply to Re: I think I started my T's week off bad, posted by Gee on April 3, 2006, at 15:21:02
(((((((HappyFlower)))))))
Did I write this, cuz I feel the same way? I'm living in a loveless marriage, sad childhood, didn't feel cared about. Oh the pain, I can relate, and it hurts. I hide behind a mask as well. I wish I could fill up the void in my heart. I keep thinking my T will do this for me but she insists that it's not the "love" that heals us. Ok, just what is it then if that's what we long for???
I'm glad you could share your thoughts with your T so he can see that you DO have pain inside.
Now I hope he can help you heal. I wish he could heal you himself, but it takes more than that. If you figure out how to do it, let me know. I could use an answer too.
Hugs
LadyBug
Posted by antigua on April 3, 2006, at 17:10:39
In reply to Re: I think I started my T's week off bad » Gee, posted by LadyBug on April 3, 2006, at 15:40:05
Posted by Emily Elizabeth on April 3, 2006, at 18:58:04
In reply to I think I started my T's week off bad, posted by happyflower on April 3, 2006, at 14:44:42
Actually, I suspect that he felt honnored that you were able to let him "peek behind the mask." Take care of yourself, sweetie.
((((HF))))
Best,
EE
Posted by madeline on April 3, 2006, at 21:13:20
In reply to I think I started my T's week off bad, posted by happyflower on April 3, 2006, at 14:44:42
If I were your T I would really happy that you were honest with me. It takes a lot of love and and a lot of trust to tell someone how you really feel inside. I'm sure he was pleased with your progress.
Now, all transference aside, let him help you. You know he cares about you. Try to work with him and with yourself to internalize that love.
He cares about you! and more than that, he now knows how you feel inside and it seems as though can handle it. Let him.
And Yes, we do love you here too, happyflower.
Posted by happyflower on April 4, 2006, at 5:22:29
In reply to Re: I think I started my T's week off bad, posted by Gee on April 3, 2006, at 15:21:02
I know my T is happy with my progress, and I have made a lot of it in some areas, but there is still some underlining things that are still affecting me. My rejection I am feeling from my marriage is killing me, I thought he was one I could trust to love me, but love doesn't last forever I guess, people change. But it hurts neverless.
I guess I only have let my husband and babble sometimes see the very tender vunerable parts of me. Now I have opened up that cover a little bit more for my T to see. I wonder if his head is spinning thinking what the heck? I think you can still be in a lot of pain and still operate a normal looking life, even a good one, at least on the outside. I have done this all my life, I would make a great acctress, ya know. I think I might have even fooled my T a little bit, but with him, I just can't keep up the act. It pains me to hear him talk about all the progess I am doing, but inside I am hurting so bad. Yes, the good happy side that he sees a lot, the side that is making huge progress socially, personally, and professionally is still me, but it isn't all of me. I still am hurting so much from my marriage, the only thing that is keeping my head above the water is my kids, and the happy side of me that is doing happy stuff. But it is so scarey to show the innermost depts of yourself to someone, I have only done this with my DH so far in my life, and now I don't have him. But yet I feel like I can do this with my T , I trust him completelty. I didn't ever think that would happen, but now I am scared. I let him take a peek of a very disturbed side of me, the side that doesn't feel loved or cared about, effects from my childhood I am sure. Now I feel I want to run away from it, because of the pain but in a way I want to call my T and make an appointment sooner so I can talk about this. I am torn, do I want to open that final lock to my inner pain that I have? Will he be able to help me? What should I do? He knows when I call to make another appointment, it ususally is something that is very important, and it a good session. Sometimes it seems like the my best sessions are the ones that are extra, the ones I call to get in whenever he has an opening. I think I should call, what do you think?
Posted by happyflower on April 4, 2006, at 5:26:47
In reply to It is so hard and scarey, please help me, posted by happyflower on April 4, 2006, at 5:22:29
I know I haven't been on much to offer much support lately, and I feel guilty for asking for help, but I could really use some advice, please.
Thanks for the kind words and hugs, there are appreciated more than you can ever know.
Posted by B2chica on April 4, 2006, at 9:04:47
In reply to It is so hard and scarey, please help me, posted by happyflower on April 4, 2006, at 5:22:29
((((((((((((((((((happyflower)))))))))))))))
oh sweetie, i'm so sorry you are feeling so much hurt right now.
i think love lasts but relationships don't. and yes it hurts. it hurts bad.it's really good that you've opened yourself up a little more for your T. i admire that. maybe you can help me open up to my T?
kids is certainly a great reason to keep your head above water.
it is excrutiatinly painful for me to share innermost depths of myself with anyone. and am glad to hear you can do that with your T. it's SOOOOO imnportant. and yes, scarey. if he is 1/2 the T you say he is, he will be honored that you choose to share these 'disturbed' parts of you with him. he will take that and keep it safe for you. please don't run away, i know that urge is overwhelmingly strong. but you've made it this far. and i think you should definately call and see if you can get in sooner to see him.
YES you do want to open that final lock....but you do need to do it when you feel safe. it can be so painful but that's why he's there right. to keep you safe as you explore these terrible feelings and memories.CALL!
and i'm here for you. to support you, to care about you.
b2c.
Posted by Dinah on April 4, 2006, at 9:09:54
In reply to It is so hard and scarey, please help me, posted by happyflower on April 4, 2006, at 5:22:29
You do realize that your therapist's week was made by your disclosures. He might find you charming and fun to be with when your mask is firmly in place. But he's your therapist. He doesn't want to see your mask. He's probably thinking more that this is a huge breakthrough. That Happyflower finally trusts him enough to open up, drop her mask, and share her real self. And what a wonderful gift that is to him.
My therapist *always* says to call. He says if I don't ask for what I want, I'll never have a chance to get it.
Posted by madeline on April 4, 2006, at 13:19:15
In reply to It is so hard and scarey, please help me, posted by happyflower on April 4, 2006, at 5:22:29
call your therapist.
Then let us know how things go.
All my love,
Maddie.
Posted by gardenergirl on April 4, 2006, at 16:59:20
In reply to Re: It is so hard and scarey, please help me, posted by happyflower on April 4, 2006, at 5:26:47
You know, it's progress to get to the point where you might let him see the dark parts. It's progress to let yourself see it and find that you're still going to be okay and loved. It's very scary and requires enough trust to get there. But you've worked hard to get there. And I am sure your T will honor and respect your continued journey. I know I do.
And I'm sorry about the pain of your marriage. Frankly, I scarcely let myself even imagine what that might feel like, because it would be so painful to even imagine.
((((Happyflower))))
gg
Posted by happyflower on April 4, 2006, at 20:38:06
In reply to Re: It is so hard and scarey, please help me » happyflower, posted by gardenergirl on April 4, 2006, at 16:59:20
I got in, I think he might have worked me in, I think he could tell I was very serious about needing to talk to him. I usually don't go into details on the phone, he keeps phone calls short and to the point, but he knows by now I don't call unless it is important.
But I am really scared of talking to him about all of this. I don't know how to even start about this all, I normally don't have problems talking to him, but I am so so so scared of opening up myself into the the inner depts of my feelings. I know he will be good to me, I trust him, but to me this is the ultimate trust test for me. I feel like I am exposing how pathetic I truly am and I am scared of telling such personal intermost thoughts and feelings. I know I am a good person deep down, but I feel like I am drowning in sadness and it is so hard to fight for everything in my life. I am tired of fighting for happiness and love, why do others automatically get this from birth but yet others yearn for anyone at all to care during their life. How can he possiably understand because he didn't have a childhood like mine, he is loved by family and friends.
It seems like all the stuff I am doing which I admit it makes me happy doing this stuff, but it doesn't cover up the huge void I feel in my life. It isn't enough, I want to be loved, appreciated, and cared about by someone special which should be my husband, but he has deceided someone else can fill his needs better than me. Getting dumped really hurts. I have been dumped on my whole life, why it is so hard for someone to love me? What am I doing so wrong?
Posted by happyflower on April 4, 2006, at 20:42:11
In reply to Re: I think I started my T's week off bad, posted by Gee on April 3, 2006, at 15:21:02
Thank you Gee for your support :-) and hugs.
I am so much trying to be strong, but fighting for love and exceptance is very hard, and I feel like giving up on even trying. But I hope I can talk to my T about this tomorrow night. I am trying to hold on for something good to happen in my life, but it is so exhausting.
Posted by happyflower on April 4, 2006, at 20:50:40
In reply to Re: I think I started my T's week off bad » Gee, posted by LadyBug on April 3, 2006, at 15:40:05
Did I write this, cuz I feel the same way?
Ladybug, I know we have a lot in common, the feelings are so simular, and I know you know were I am coming from on all of this.
. I keep thinking my T will do this for me but she insists that it's not the "love" that heals us. Ok, just what is it then if that's what we long for???
You know this is a very good question, but I have no answers, but I would like someone to answer it for me. I believe love does heal.> I'm glad you could share your thoughts with your T so he can see that you DO have pain inside.
Oh, I just let him have a quick peek, the real test will be tommorrow night, when he will not let me off the hook so easily. I just hope I have the guts.
> Now I hope he can help you heal. I wish he could heal you himself, but it takes more than that. If you figure out how to do it, let me know. I could use an answer too.
If you get an answer, let me know too. Thanks Ladybug, you can hang on my flower anytime! ;-)
Posted by happyflower on April 4, 2006, at 20:51:09
In reply to We love you here (nm), posted by antigua on April 3, 2006, at 17:10:39
Posted by happyflower on April 4, 2006, at 20:53:34
In reply to Re: I think I started my T's week off bad, posted by Emily Elizabeth on April 3, 2006, at 18:58:04
> Actually, I suspect that he felt honnored that you were able to let him "peek behind the mask." Take care of yourself, sweetie.
Gardenergirl, thanks for the different perspective of what he might be thinking. Sometime I feel like he is like, oh gosh, here comes happyflower, what a day it will be today, maybe I should call in sick. >
Posted by happyflower on April 4, 2006, at 21:00:47
In reply to Re: I think I started my T's week off bad » happyflower, posted by madeline on April 3, 2006, at 21:13:20
> If I were your T I would really happy that you were honest with me. It takes a lot of love and and a lot of trust to tell someone how you really feel inside. I'm sure he was pleased with your progress.
Hey Sweet Madeline,
I so hope you are right. I guess since he thought I was doing so well, he is always tellingme this, that I thought he would be very disapointend in me.
>
> Now, all transference aside, let him help you. You know he cares about you. Try to work with him and with yourself to internalize that love.
Yeah I think he cares, even if he doesn't say it in those words. I will let him help me, but it is so hard to ask for help especailly when you feel so broken down.
>
>>
> And Yes, we do love you here too, happyflower.Thank you again, madeline.
Posted by happyflower on April 4, 2006, at 21:10:19
In reply to please help me...you got it. » happyflower, posted by B2chica on April 4, 2006, at 9:04:47
Thank you so much B2, your post brought tears to my eyes, it was one of the most supportive posts I think I have ever gotten on Babble.
I see him tommorrow night, so I hope I can do this. I think if I had to wait even a couple of days, I would chicken out and run away from it, just push it all down.I am not sure how to open up to our T's. I think it must take a huge amount of trust and right now I trust him more than anyone in my life. I guess if he can't help me, nobody will be able to. I think it is safe, I think he will let me be safe, but I am still scared. I have been in therapy for 15 months now, and finally feel safe to come out of hiding. I am still scared to show that part of me, but I think I can do it, because I know I need to do this for myself. I am so nervous. Thank you for all your support B2, it means a lot to me.
Posted by happyflower on April 4, 2006, at 21:19:10
In reply to Re: It is so hard and scarey, please help me » happyflower, posted by Dinah on April 4, 2006, at 9:09:54
> You do realize that your therapist's week was made by your disclosures.
It is good you are telling me this, because I was thinking he is disapointed in me because I think he really thought I was doing so well. Well maybe he didn't, but kept saying it everyweek for the past couple of months, because he was waiting for me to say, NO I AM NOT DOING WELL. Who knows what they think and know. LOL
>
> My therapist *always* says to call. He says if I don't ask for what I want, I'll never have a chance to get it.I think my T believes this too. I just wish I could ask him for a hug, like you did that one day. I know he does hugs little kids if they want one and at termination if you feel like it, but he doesn't as a rule do this. But I still want one, just for a second, just to feel like somebody cares about me for just a second. It would help me open up so much more easier, but I can't tell him that. I can't feel anymore rejection, so I could never ask him for one.
Posted by happyflower on April 4, 2006, at 21:25:46
In reply to Re: It is so hard and scarey, please help me » happyflower, posted by gardenergirl on April 4, 2006, at 16:59:20
Gardenergirl,
It so hard for me to see this as progress, but I am trying. It has taken me over 15 months to get to this point, I just hope I can follow through with it.
It is funny when I ask for an extra session, and when I get there I just want to turn around and say forget it, I don't remember what I wanted to say. But he doesn't let me get away with that. He is on to me. LOL I think he knows I want to hide under my blanket.
I think the situation with my marriage in a way is more painful that what I experieced as an abused child. When I was a child, I was not loved, but at least in most of my married I felt loved, and know I know what it feels like, well it hurts so much to have lost it. As I child, I didn't even know what I was missing because I never had it. Life is so tough. Thank you GG, I know you will make a great T someday. ;-)
Posted by happyflower on April 4, 2006, at 21:31:48
In reply to Re: It is so hard and scarey, please help me » gardenergirl, posted by happyflower on April 4, 2006, at 21:25:46
I feel like I am getting a sore throat, maybe it is all the stress.
I promised I would help my kids plant our pansies we bought today. It should help get my mind off things for awhile. But of course you know I will run into you know who at the gym tomorrow. Do you think if I don't see him, he won't see me? Will that little kid trick work? LOL Good night, you sweet babble friends. I am soooo glad I have you all to talk to. ;-)
Posted by Daisym on April 4, 2006, at 23:50:09
In reply to I am going to bed, I hope sleep comes my way, posted by happyflower on April 4, 2006, at 21:31:48
I hope you fell asleep and slept all night. I agree with Dinah and GG, your therapist probably was thinking, "finally!" I read somewhere that therapy begins working when the truth gets told. This includes to yourself. I'm going to suggest that you park your ego and pride at the door and tell your inner truth. I know those things have kept you safe from too much hurt, but they are protecting you now from help.
You said you don't know how to start, what to say, how to dive in. You just begin in the middle. You will go back, you will look ahead and you will wander all around. Essentially you say, "I feel sad. I feel cheated. I want to matter. I hurt. I hurt a lot." And you try like hell not to throw in, "but I'll be OK." :) I always do that...old habit. It is also OK to say, "I need you to help me with this because it is so hard and I don't know how or what you need to hear." I think one of the hardest things about letting someone close enough to see the ugly stuff is actually letting them see the ugly stuff. We immediately tell ourselves that they aren't going to like us anymore, they will dread hearing from us, etc. We also have to give up a lot of fantasy in order to be so honest. But it is worth it.
My therapist would say, "who doesn't want to be special? And who doesn't deserve to be?" You definitely do. I hope you have a good session. But remember, it is a beginning. A baby step. You can't expect it all to be "fixed" right away. Give yourself permission and time to really get it all out.
This is the end of the thread.
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