![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 45. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by asmita on February 15, 2006, at 6:11:42
hi,
i posted a while back about my feelings for my 'T'... thanks everyone for your kind replies and advice, and sorry i didn't have time to reply to everyone individually.well this is just a little update on my situation... needless to say i have not yet gotten as far as to tell my T about my feelings... i keep hoping i'll be able to stop feeling this way so i'll never have to bring it up! i guess that's why i went snooping online... trying to find a reason to stop thinking about him. since i didn't really know anything about him before, it was easy to make him into this perfect being in my mind. so, i did find some info about him... things that really diminish any possibilities of him ever wanting to be with me in any way and even vice-versa. but now, i'm just confused! my last session with him was so nice, he said some really sweet things...damn him! just as i thought i was done with him.... i've promised myself not to go looking for any more info... it seems to just make matters worse because i find myself thinking about those things i know about him that i'm not supposed to know, during my sessions... which is totally distracting me from what i'm supposed to be thinking about, ie. my own feelings, problems etc. so yes the elephant in the room (as someone here put it) just keeps getting bigger...
so i was wondering if anyone else ever googled their T's name...admit it......
oh, and he did bring up transference one time... i was already having paranoid thoughts... has he figured me out? is it just blatantly obvious that i like him so much? but thank god, he didn't go there... it was just in relation to me feeling like he can't really even be bothered with me and doesn't care. so we talked about that a bit.
anyway...i do feel a bit more positive now about the whole therapy thing... partly thanks to all of you who replied to my last post. i think it will just take some time for me to open up and trust him. and all the while i'm writing this, i'm so scared he's going to find it and figure out that it's me! i know the chances of that happening are minimal...but still...that's why i'm being a bit vague sometimes.
anyway, if you have any stories to share, post here...i look forward to reading them.
Posted by madeline on February 15, 2006, at 6:38:16
In reply to on knowing 'too much' about your T, posted by asmita on February 15, 2006, at 6:11:42
I googled my T and learned all kinds of stuff. I think that is absolutely normal. It's just natural human curiosity, nothing to feel bad about.
I think it is sometimes hard to accept the therapeutic relationship for what it is. You should never have a relationship with your T outside of therapy and, for me, that was tough to accept. I actually grieved the "loss" of not having my T become a bigger part of my life. Now, I feel as closer to my T than anyone in my whole life. And it was because I gave him that chance to know me and he didn't let me fall.
Please try to share these thoughts in therapy. Some T's don't deal with this well, but most are really good with it and you owe it to yourself to give your T a chance.
The more honest you are, the more healing, the more understanding you can experience.
Keep up posted, I wish you luck.
Posted by bent on February 15, 2006, at 7:25:14
In reply to on knowing 'too much' about your T, posted by asmita on February 15, 2006, at 6:11:42
I agree with what madeline said. You will probably find that most posters here have googled their T. Its only normal to be curiosious and that curiosity is heightened because the relationship with a T is so one-sided. I do think that what we find in our searches can be hard to deal with though and sometimes makes that curiosity stronger...and I cant imagine talking to my T about searching her on the internet. I sometimes wish I could tell my T the things that I know about her. I worry that it would be too weird or she'd freak out. My T lives in the same neighborhood as one of my family members. I hate it but I am so afraid to tell her. Sometimes I wish I didnt know.
I hope you can tell your T about your feelings towards him. Its very hard but if you have a good T it can be very helpful in getting through the hard feelings. I have a hard time talking about these feeling and I usually end up reading a letter or journal entry to my T when I need to talk about it. Would you find that helpful? How long have you been seeing this T?
Posted by pegasus on February 15, 2006, at 9:18:27
In reply to on knowing 'too much' about your T, posted by asmita on February 15, 2006, at 6:11:42
We had a thread a year or so ago about googling Ts, and practially everyone said they'd done it. Frankly, I wouldn't work with a T that I hadn't checked out on google first. A couple of Ts that I've seen have even had really helpful web sites, with references to cool books, etc. I'm sure they expect to be googled. Or at least, if they're at all technology savvy, they do.
The thing is, they have all of this info about us, and info is power. So it's totally normal to want to rebalance the power a bit by finding out some info about them too. It gives you a better handle on who you're dealing with in such an intimate way.
But, yeah, there is the risk that you'll find out something that makes you uncomfortable. I think that's why a lot of Ts don't disclose much about themselves. Because then they can be whoever the client needs them to be. Which has its benefits for both parties.
peg
Posted by asmita on February 15, 2006, at 10:39:10
In reply to Re: on knowing 'too much' about your T, posted by pegasus on February 15, 2006, at 9:18:27
i suppose i went the extra mile and not only googled my T, but also in some roundabout way, half by chance, found his personal website (which doesn't even contain his name), and a board that he's been posting at regularly on all kinds of subjects. once i found out his email address, and another screenname, i googled those...and went back to check his website regularly...well you get the point. i wasn't just getting a little background on how good a T he is...i was really looking to find some personal in-depth info. to be honest, the whole thing is bordering on obsession...i don't know how i could tell him about my feelings right now...maybe the journal thing would help, but i just can't do it yet (i've only been seeing him 5 months or so). well, it was good to find out that i'm not the only one...
Posted by Dia on February 15, 2006, at 13:09:53
In reply to on knowing 'too much' about your T, posted by asmita on February 15, 2006, at 6:11:42
asmita,
i read your post awhile back about your feelings towards you T and it was almost scary to read it because it was as if i had written that post myself! i really am in the same situation...older male T, attracted to him but sometimes try to see him as a father-figure, he comments on the way i look and says really nice things to me, i go back and forth between him thinking i am the most unattractive patient he's ever had and is annoyed by me - to thinking he is attracted to me and feeling so much 'tension' in the room between us, etc.
as for the finding out info on your T - don't feel bad...i went to the extreme of even finding out my T's password and being able to read his mail! i have found out all kinds of things about him, and now i feel so guilty. i can't believe i just admitted that. i really do think i am obsessed, but i don't think he has any idea, because like you - i have so much trouble bringing up the subject of my feelings for him as well.
anyway just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this!!
- Dia
Posted by LadyBug on February 15, 2006, at 14:54:48
In reply to Re: on knowing 'too much' about your T, posted by Dia on February 15, 2006, at 13:09:53
I googled my T. and as I type this I'm embarrassed to say, I googled her kids too. Once a long time ago, I was reading some newspaper ads and noticed in the houses for sale section; her address. So I got some brief info about her home and that it was for sale. I never said a thing to her, but wondered a lot about if she was moving and why. At a later date it was listed with a realator and to make a long story short, I had to check it out. I saw some pictures of the inside of her home. But about a year ago, I finally had the opportunity to tell her that I'd seen the pictures. I don't think she was crazy about me knowing but she realized if it's on the internet it's public and there's nothing she could do about it. I have found a bunch of info about other things that have to do with her, she is aware of some of it. I don't know about you, but it's a relief to me to know what I know because it takes away the thinking she's all that, or idealizing her so much.
With your situation, thats almost scary! But your normal!! I'd do it too. What kind of impact does it have on you as far as your work goes? And do you feel like you are deceiving her? Interesting isn't it?
LadyBug
Posted by fairywings on February 15, 2006, at 15:45:53
In reply to Re: on knowing 'too much' about your T » asmita, posted by bent on February 15, 2006, at 7:25:14
Hey Bent, if it's a relative you like and who would do this with you, maybe you could go power walking with her/him, and at a time when you're sure your T is likely to see you. then maybe your T will bring it up, and you can get it off your chest that "Oh you live there? My cousin so and so lives in that neighborhood too!" That would be so hard - always feeling like you're sneaking around, when you're not!
fw
Posted by fairywings on February 15, 2006, at 15:50:19
In reply to on knowing 'too much' about your T, posted by asmita on February 15, 2006, at 6:11:42
Having any kind of feelings can be scary, and really scary to bring up, BUT if he brought up transference maybe he will again, and you can go there. It doesn't always mean "love" like sexual attraction. It can be a parental thing, a brotherly thing, mine kind of feels like an uncle or big brother kind of thing - but a NICE bb, not like the ones I had. Writing it out always works for me, since I can't get it out otherwise.
Curiosity has to be natural, mine fortunately shares quite a bit, so I'm not really too curious about his life.
Good luck,
fw
Posted by bent on February 15, 2006, at 16:04:43
In reply to Re: on knowing 'too much' about your T » bent, posted by fairywings on February 15, 2006, at 15:45:53
Yes!! I always think it would probably be much better to let her know rather than have her see me in her neighborhood. I'd be so afraid she'd flip and think I was a stalker or something. I have seen her one time, it was at night and she was walking her dog. I am only in that area maybe 2-4 times a year but still. And honestly it has caused some stress for me. Like, when this cousin had a pampered chef party and said she was inviting friends and neighbors!! I nearly had an anxiety attack on the way there figuring out what my plan would be if my T was there! I even had a dream about it. I really should tell her about this. I just dont know how to bring it up because the way I found out where she lived was by searching her online and it just so happened that it was near my cousin. I dont want to tell her that I was searching her. I have never told my cousin either, so she doesnt know my T lives close by and I am certain they dont know each other. Ok, sorry to go on - this just freaks me out sometimes, I have kept this secret to myself for 3 years now!!!
Posted by asmita on February 15, 2006, at 17:43:34
In reply to Re: on knowing 'too much' about your T, posted by Dia on February 15, 2006, at 13:09:53
dia, wow! how'd you find out his password? and i thought i was the expert at internet-snooping...i'm impressed. but even though the stuff i found on my T online was open to the public (that was my 'excuse' at first) i realise that it was still a violation, esp. since i went way out of my way to find it and kept checking back. i hope i can stop doing it, i'm feeling really guilty too.
i know it's really frustrating to keep going back and forth between thinking he's secretly harboring similar feelings and thinking he finds you unattractive- i do exactly the same, sometimes i change my mind several times within one session which makes things pretty confusing.
i've kind of come to the conclusion that my T likes me in the sense that he feels like a father figure to me (though he's not old enough to be my father...'only' 10 years older), but then sometimes he says things that make me feel like he's attracted to me... truth is, it's his 'fatherly' ways that i'm attracted to the most...like when he makes me feel like he really wants to take care of me, that's so incredibly touching to me...i guess because i haven't felt like that with a lot of people. in other ways he is just so wrong for me...based on things i found out online. but, apparently, that doesn't stop me from having these feelings for him.i had a crazy thought...i could go see another T about my 'obsession' with this T...and then form an obsession with that one...and see another T about that obsession....etc...lol. i guess the only way to get over it though is to tell your T about your feelings...maybe some day we'll be able to.
Posted by fairywings on February 15, 2006, at 17:47:58
In reply to Re: on knowing 'too much' about your T » fairywings, posted by bent on February 15, 2006, at 16:04:43
Oh honey! it's time to figure out a way to tackle that, it sounds like it's causing you so much worry. i'm sure if you brainstorm, or get some help brainstorming, you can find a way that would be kind of acceptable/comfortable. do you have a dog, or does your cousin? maybe bumping into her while walking "your dog" is an idea. is it something you'd be willing to share w/your cousin?
GL,
fw
Posted by asmita on February 15, 2006, at 18:00:10
In reply to Re: on knowing 'too much' about your T, posted by LadyBug on February 15, 2006, at 14:54:48
at first it was kind of a disappointment/ relief to know that he's not the perfect person i made him out to be in my imagination. but my feelings are still the same! that's the confusing bit. i do sometimes feel like i'm deceiving him, and i get paranoid about him maybe finding out that i've been snooping. i'm sure he'd be freaked out, just the thought of it makes my skin crawl. i'm determined to stop though, because it's become like a habit to check his website and posts... and it's having way too much effect on me. when i just started doing it and found out some disappointing stuff, his opinions that i really didn't agree with, or tidbits about his love life...i was just feeling angry and let down. the strange thing is, i can't keep feeling like that for too long when i actually see him. it's like he's a different person at work...the person i'm still hopelessly attracted to. yeah, it's really weird. i wish i could just concentrate on getting the most out of therapy rather than wondering about my T all the time.
Posted by Dia on February 16, 2006, at 2:17:51
In reply to Re: on knowing 'too much' about your T » LadyBug, posted by asmita on February 15, 2006, at 18:00:10
it was kind of crazy. i get really really paranoid about things, so basically i just sat there and thought of things that he'd use as his password and then it actually worked!! i know what you mean asmita, it can become a habit or even turn into an addiction to keep finding out all the info about them. i seriously used to check his mail like everyday or read every message, but i've backed off a lot lately and that's made me feel a little bit better.
i think i did it because i have really big issues with trust, and for me to pour out my every feeling to him made me feel vulnerable and also judged by him, because i had this whole built-up idea in my head that he's some super-human who never gets depressed, etc. i do admit that reading the messages has helped me become much more relaxed and more open at our appointments, because i finally realize he is just as human as i am. but i know it's pretty sad i had to go to those kind of extremes to reach a comfort level with him. i am having trouble dealing with the guilt and it's made me feel like a really bad person.
i also think my T tries to be more of a father-figure to me, he tells me things like that he would have me as a daughter. i finally broke down a few weeks ago and told him all my feelings for him (which are unfortunately sexual) but when i told him all that he said he was really flattered i felt that way about him and said it felt great knowing a 'really cute' girl my age likes him...then he even gave me a reallly long hug after i told him all that. and i guess the bottom line is that i am really confused by everything right now!!! as far as discussing the real attraction or underlying meanings, he's kinda avoided that, which has been frustrating. but then i guess i have too, because when i had told him everything in detail, it had been through an e-mail. if your T allows e-mailing, that might be a great way to start to explain to him how you are feeling. it makes it a lot easier i think.
i am also really worried about him stumbling across this website and seeing what i have written. i would FREAK. OUT. he would never talk to me again. my email address doesn't show up anywhere on this website for everyone to see does it? i'm trying to be careful about all this because i really don't know how i'd handle it if he confronted me about what i've said!! (and of course about the email thing!!) by the way...i'm new here but i forgot to say hi to everyone!
- Dia
Posted by bent on February 16, 2006, at 7:17:18
In reply to Re: on knowing 'too much' about your T » bent, posted by fairywings on February 15, 2006, at 17:47:58
Maybe I do need some help brainstorming. I dont have a dog, just ferrets, and they arent easy to walk long distances! Really, I'd rather just come clean with my T than 'bump' into her on the road. I just need some ideas on how to let her know how I found out she lives there. I dont want to tell my cousin. I think it would be easier on me to not tell her. Even if I tell my T I'd rather not share names or anything, for my own sanity. It would freak me out more to wonder if my T knows someone in my family. I'd rather keep it simple. I wonder if I finally tell her this if I will feel like a weight lifted from me (i love those moments in therapy), since I have kept it to myself for years?
Posted by fairywings on February 16, 2006, at 13:14:34
In reply to Re: on knowing 'too much' about your T » fairywings, posted by bent on February 16, 2006, at 7:17:18
Would you be comfortable telling her you found out by searching the web? You said you want to come clean, but do feel the need to tell her how you found out? Maybe telling her you saw her walking her dog while you were on your way to your cousins house, and were so surprised to see her there?
fw
Posted by zebracrossing on February 17, 2006, at 1:15:10
In reply to Re: on knowing 'too much' about your T » bent, posted by fairywings on February 16, 2006, at 13:14:34
Asmite,addressing it you but applies to all on this thread.
only read the first one here and immeduiatly replying shuld read the rest and am going but im at work and trying hard to multi task here without much success anyway so if this isn't appropriate due to more info in the other threads on this topic , pls exuse me!hey dont feel bad.the question has anybody googled their shrinks? well i hacked into just about everything the guy owned cell , email ,phone line,phoned video shop asking wat movies he took out,stole his post, pretended i was a friend of his when he moved and got access from the builders into his new office,googling him was like a joke to me at the time seen i was doing so much else and i told him about everything.
and there is so much more so googling your t is okay trust me and its quite normal just the googling part.......the t's identity starts changing as u learn more and more and its soooo scary u rather they be this blank wall u can project everything onto that way its all purely fantasy rather than reality.
dont want to put too much here but if you would like to ask me any q's or talk to me further i would be very happy to talk to u.
my mail ad is zebracrossing@mailbox.co.za! feel free to contact me at any time.....
regards zebracrossing
p.s. im female incase u wondering :)
Posted by zebracrossing on February 17, 2006, at 1:24:25
In reply to Re: on knowing 'too much' about your T, posted by Dia on February 15, 2006, at 13:09:53
hey dia
just intrested to know how did u find his email password.
shame my x t and wife had to go to the service provider and change the password as i told him to pls change it was i was reading everything.pity at the time i freaked out so much abt it and couldnt stop myself that i never kept doing it until something really juicy came in.so how did u get it?
mine was pure tactic , i tell u :)
Posted by zebracrossing on February 17, 2006, at 1:46:07
In reply to Re: on knowing 'too much' about your T » bent, posted by fairywings on February 16, 2006, at 13:14:34
Bent, i think you should in my opinion if u r able to do it is just be honest with her.
it isnt worth telling her if u arent going to tell her the truth that mite confuse u more and u still dont walk away with the guilt.
u suppose to be honest with her,so i think u should.if she accepts u as u r, she will understand or accept your behaviour and understand it.
if u can bring yourself to telling her , maybe u should just tell the entire truth.
its all confidential and u arent being a harm to urself or others so dont worry too much.
mite even bring u too closer and she mite appreciate your honesty.
trust me i been threw it.
i agree with the hole email idea if she allows or maybe if its easier write her a letter but then decide which is better giving at the end or beggining of session each one has its advantages and disadvantages.
my heart beated like a mad person when i found out where he lived , then it pounded like a mad person when i went looking for it and found it and the rest feel free to mail me , posted my addy on one of these threads here.
just dont wanna write to much!
next thing u know the shrink law association,for playing detective instead of client catchs me out and im banned from ever seeing a therapist ever again.
lol ,jokes :)
seriously rather not disclose too much here
Posted by zebracrossing on February 17, 2006, at 2:04:09
In reply to Re: on knowing 'too much' about your T » bent, posted by fairywings on February 16, 2006, at 13:14:34
hey sorry guys mite have made a mistake when typing email addy.
its zc@mailbox.co.zaah by the way i just started posting again , i used to be obSession but fogot my password, so had to start over with a new nick ect
Posted by Dinah on February 17, 2006, at 10:46:44
In reply to To Asmita, posted by zebracrossing on February 17, 2006, at 1:15:10
Just a reminder that you're supposed to announce a name change on the Administrative board.
You said you told your therapist everything, and he's still your therapist?
I'm guessing mine would not only terminate me, should I do anything like that, but turn me over to the police and postal authorities as well. That's just a guess. He's ok with googling.
I kind of like the boundaries, in both directions. I haven't even gone to see him at public presentations he's given that he suggested I might wish to attend. And he knows that I post here, but he's promised never ever to peek even if he's curious what I might say about him, because he respects my privacy.
Posted by happyflower on February 17, 2006, at 18:04:58
In reply to on knowing 'too much' about your T, posted by asmita on February 15, 2006, at 6:11:42
I know a lot about my T but because he told me. But I think if I invaded "his space", he wouldn't be to happy about. Now if it is public info, he wouldn't say much about that, but reading his emails, is not "public" but private. I think if someone did that to me, it would freak me out.
Posted by Dr. Bob on February 17, 2006, at 23:33:06
In reply to Re: on knowing 'too much' about your T, posted by zebracrossing on February 17, 2006, at 2:04:09
> ah by the way i just started posting again , i used to be obSession but fogot my password, so had to start over with a new nick ect
Would you be willing to switch back? If so, you can reset your password here:
https://dr-bob.securesites.com/cgi-bin/pb/newpwd.pl
Bob
Posted by Susan47 on February 18, 2006, at 14:44:15
In reply to Re: on knowing 'too much' about your T, posted by Dia on February 16, 2006, at 2:17:51
> it was kind of crazy. i get really really paranoid about things, so basically i just sat there and thought of things that he'd use as his password and then it actually worked!! i know what you mean asmita, it can become a habit or even turn into an addiction to keep finding out all the info about them. i seriously used to check his mail like everyday or read every message, but i've backed off a lot lately and that's made me feel a little bit better.
>
> i think i did it because i have really big issues with trust, and for me to pour out my every feeling to him made me feel vulnerable and also judged by him, because i had this whole built-up idea in my head that he's some super-human who never gets depressed, etc. i do admit that reading the messages has helped me become much more relaxed and more open at our appointments, because i finally realize he is just as human as i am. but i know it's pretty sad i had to go to those kind of extremes to reach a comfort level with him. i am having trouble dealing with the guilt and it's made me feel like a really bad person.
>
You're likely not a bad person, but maybe if you have issues with trust, you're making them worse by reinforcing why you don't have them, i.e., you're acting out your own worst nightmare, or part of it, maybe? I mean, reading your therapist's mail, I mean, please tell someone you did this, tell tell tell more people so you can stop yourself, because I don't think that's healthy for anyone. Don't you see it as disrespectful of him, of his feelings? Don't you care about his feelings? If nothing else, do it for him. I'm just asking you to consider it. Because if you do stuff like that, you know it's essentially wrong, you feel worse about yourself afterwards, and part of the reason is because you KNOW it's a violation against him and if he found out it would break his trust in you, so you HAVE to stop. You just have to, no matter how much you think it's interesting. He's a person with a right to his privacy, and if you respected your own, you would probably respect his, too.... just asking. Because I'm afraid for therapists who hear about this kind of stuff happening, and become frightened for themselves, and it changes their own perception of the people they're working with ... it isn't fair to anyone.
Posted by asmita on February 18, 2006, at 17:15:05
In reply to To Asmita, posted by zebracrossing on February 17, 2006, at 1:15:10
zebracrossing, did you really tell your T about everything in the end? can you get arrested for that kind of stuff (at least if you're in america...)? sounds like you were/are really obsessed with the guy... so it might be worth talking about to a T, even if it's not the same one. i agree that to a certain extent a T should be a blank canvas...but that's never really possible is it? i had a female T for some time a while ago, and it was so very different from what's going on now. just the presence of the T him/herself, even if they don't talk much and don't tell you about their lives, will influence how you're going to feel during the sessions and what you're gonna talk about...
sometimes i wish i had only googled my T, not gone beyond that. i don't know where the line should be drawn. on the other hand, how am i supposed to trust someone i know nothing about? maybe it's good that i know a little more about him, also so that i don't idealise him too much. but i still feel guilty and a little crazy for doing it. since i now know vaguely where he lives, i often think about going there hoping i'll bump into him. it scares me that i'm even thinking that, knowing that if i think it a lot eventually i'll do it, and if i do it once i'll do it again...etc.
i think this whole obsession i have for my T is only making me feel more lonely. just thinking about my T is so addictive, but sometimes i catch myself at it and realise how sad it is. i can want him as much as i want but i'll probably never have him...and all i'm left doing is staring at my computer screen trying to make some kind of connection with a stranger who probably couldn't care less outside of office hours.
:(
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