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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by dancinbillie on June 26, 2005, at 20:03:58
that I'm having frequent sexual thoughts about her??? Or should I keep it quiet??? I feel strongly that I should share this with her in the best interest of my therapy, but I feel so embarrassed about it! I don't so much fantasize about actually having sex with her (although that scenario has definitely crossed my mind a number of times), rather I imagine watching her having sex with a partner or masturbating, which is powerfully arousing to me.
In addition to the sexual aspect, I find myself wanting to know EVERYTHING about her. I have gone so far as to Google her name and read anything about her that I can find, and I purchased a background report on her from the internet, telling myself I wanted to know what kind of person I was embarking on the therapeutic journey with. I knew all the while, though, that I was just obsessing over her (and still am), but I can't seem to stop it.
A little background: I've always considered myself heterosexual, though I've had "crushes" on many women in my life, starting with my first-grade teacher. More than ten years ago, I experienced my first-ever crush on a man, and ended up engaging in a short-term affair with him, right before I got married. I was relieved to experience that crush because it involved a man, and thought that was the end of my having crushes on women. When I recognized my feelings about my therapist, after roughly three sessions, I was disturbed at the fact that this was happening yet again, although it feels good to feel this way.
I fear that she will be bothered by my feelings and be angry/frightened by my internet invasion of her privacy. My ultimate fear is that she will terminate my treatment, which I feel is going reasonably well.
Thanks for reading, and for any suggestions anyone has to offer.
DB
Posted by Jazzed on June 26, 2005, at 23:06:15
In reply to How do I tell my therapist . . ., posted by dancinbillie on June 26, 2005, at 20:03:58
HI and welcome to babble,
I would definitely NOT tell her about your internet searches and the background check. She might see the background check as almost stalking. But I think we all want to know about our T's, that's normal.
As far as falling in love and having sexual feelings, that's normal too. I'm sure you'll hear that ppl on the boards are reading the book In Session, which is really good and explains a lot of this stuff, and why we experience it. Therapy is one of the most intimate relationships you'll ever have, sort of like a love affair. How long have you been going to your T? Maybe tell her you're having some confusing feelings about her, feelings you don't understand, and see what happens, and how she deals with it. You'll know if she can deal with it or not.
Good luck,
Jazzy
Posted by Shortelise on June 26, 2005, at 23:40:35
In reply to How do I tell my therapist . . ., posted by dancinbillie on June 26, 2005, at 20:03:58
I'm going to disagree with Jazz: tell her. Tell her everything. As much as possible.
Who here hasn't googled their T? I did and I toldhim. He didn't get weird about it. He knows we all do it. Your T would have to be very inexperienced not to know this!
The relationship we have with our T is based on trust. We have to trust that s/he will know how to deal with any and all feelings we bring to him/her. That we experience love/lust/ whatever is all a part of the process for some of us, and it's just so very normal...
So, Billie, I don't think you're weird, I don't think your T will think you're weird, and I think you've got a good place to start talking about your life. If this kind of feeling comes out in the first few sessions of therapy, chances are that this is an important issue in your life, one you neeed to talk about, one you need to sort through.How do you tell her? You open your mouth and say it. If you can't do that,. write it down and take it with you. If you can't do that, send it. If you can't do that, well, that's kind of a pity.
There, my opinion, and my opinion only! Therapy can change ouor lives, it can make the dreadful things easier to get through.
((billie))
ShortE
Posted by Tamar on June 27, 2005, at 4:07:37
In reply to How do I tell my therapist . . ., posted by dancinbillie on June 26, 2005, at 20:03:58
> that I'm having frequent sexual thoughts about her??? Or should I keep it quiet??? I feel strongly that I should share this with her in the best interest of my therapy, but I feel so embarrassed about it! I don't so much fantasize about actually having sex with her (although that scenario has definitely crossed my mind a number of times), rather I imagine watching her having sex with a partner or masturbating, which is powerfully arousing to me.
A lot of people have these feelings. It can feel embarrassing to feel this way, but most therapists can handle it. If she’s a good therapist she will help you deal with the feelings so you’ll know where they’re coming from, and then they won’t be so overwhelming. Tell her if you can.
> In addition to the sexual aspect, I find myself wanting to know EVERYTHING about her. I have gone so far as to Google her name and read anything about her that I can find, and I purchased a background report on her from the internet, telling myself I wanted to know what kind of person I was embarking on the therapeutic journey with. I knew all the while, though, that I was just obsessing over her (and still am), but I can't seem to stop it.
As far as I can tell, everyone googles their therapist. Anything available on the internet is in the public domain, so it’s not an invasion of privacy. The background report isn’t exactly the same as googling, since you had to pay for it, but on the other hand it’s something anyone can access for a few bucks. In this day and age most therapists should understand that most of their patients will look for information about them on the internet.
> A little background: I've always considered myself heterosexual, though I've had "crushes" on many women in my life, starting with my first-grade teacher. More than ten years ago, I experienced my first-ever crush on a man, and ended up engaging in a short-term affair with him, right before I got married. I was relieved to experience that crush because it involved a man, and thought that was the end of my having crushes on women. When I recognized my feelings about my therapist, after roughly three sessions, I was disturbed at the fact that this was happening yet again, although it feels good to feel this way.
I can imagine you find it a bit alarming when you thought you were done with the crushes. But a crush on a therapist is no indication of your sexual orientation. Straight men find themselves having crushes on male therapists; gay men have crushes on female therapists, and so on. In a similar way, a woman seeing a female therapist might have feelings of wanting the therapist to be her father. The gender of the therapist doesn’t seem to matter when clients have feelings of love.
> I fear that she will be bothered by my feelings and be angry/frightened by my internet invasion of her privacy. My ultimate fear is that she will terminate my treatment, which I feel is going reasonably well.
I understand your fears. They are valid. A few therapists find it difficult to handle their clients’ feelings of love. These therapists may be less good at understanding their own personal feelings and therefore don’t feel able to handle their clients’ strong emotions.
However, I think the vast majority of therapists anticipate their clients’ feelings of love and are able to deal with them in a gentle and sensitive way. The odds are on your side that she will understand and that she will be helpful.
I hope that helps a bit.
Tamar
Posted by Dinah on June 27, 2005, at 8:11:42
In reply to How do I tell my therapist . . ., posted by dancinbillie on June 26, 2005, at 20:03:58
I agree with everyone that your feelings are not unusual. And also that it's pretty common to google your therapist. Most therapists who have any familiarity with the internet won't be distressed by that.
However, therapists vary widely in their ability to hear and tolerate these things. My therapist knows that I drove by his home exactly once (his address is on his bills) to orient myself as to where his house was in relation to mine (they're close). Actually, I didn't drive by the house, just the corner. :) He was ok with it. But someone else's therapist was really freaked out by that. And someone's therapist was freaked out by googling.
It might be useful to stick a toe in the water by talking about the people on the board doing things like that, or feeling sexual feelings toward their therapist. I've done that with my therapist, quite accidentally. I bring actual things from the board to him, and he responds as if he thought I was talking about me.
I only say that because I found to my shock and surprise that not all therapists were well trained in this area. And that some had mistaken ideas about the proper handling of sexual feelings from clients. It's sad, and it's an indictment of the training they receive, but it is sometimes true.
In fact, I purchased this video with the intent of donating it to my local training university, but haven't got around to it yet.
http://www.apa.org/videos/4310570.html
I'm not at all saying you shouldn't be honest with her. Therapy is based on honesty. But my sad experience with mental health experience is that it's best to be cautious, if keeping this relationship is overwhelmingly important to you (as it would be to me).
But the good news is that on this board at least, therapists who don't respond appropriately are very rare.
Posted by LittleGirlLost on June 27, 2005, at 11:18:53
In reply to How do I tell my therapist . . ., posted by dancinbillie on June 26, 2005, at 20:03:58
> that I'm having frequent sexual thoughts about her??? <snip> I don't so much fantasize about actually having sex with her (although that scenario has definitely crossed my mind a number of times), rather I imagine watching her having sex with a partner or masturbating, which is powerfully arousing to me.
>
> In addition to the sexual aspect, I find myself wanting to know EVERYTHING about her.Dancinbillie,
Welcome to the board! And I am so glad you shared what you did because I can relate SO much. I am too embarrassed to talk about it, not only with my T, but here also.
I also consider myself heterosexual, but I have though about my (female) T in a sexual way... not really "with" me, but just her as a sexual being. For some reason, I cannot handle that thought! Not sure what it is, but I just have a strong "sick to my stomach, gut feeling" at the thought of her being intimate with her husband. Sometimes I worry that he hurts her. Maybe I also feel a little jealous. It's so confusing to me because I'm not exactly sure WHAT I feel; I just know that I do NOT like the thought of her as a sexual being. Hey, she's about 60... Anybody know if people stop having sex at that age? <g>
And yes, in terms of you wanting to know EVERYTHING about your T, I am the same way. It's disturbing to me though. I don't even necessarily want to know the "big" things in her life, but even the tiniest of details I "obsess" over. When I'm in the shower, I wonder what kind of soap/shampoo she uses. Washing dishes, I wonder what kind of dish soap she uses... It's endless! I feel sick. I also wonder what she wears outside of her prefessional clothes. What does she look like? And maybe going back to the sexual thoughts above, but I also wonder what she wears to bed! (Although I do not mean that in a sexual way!) I just want to know everything. I feel extreme. I feel yucky. Oh, and yes, I've Googled her.
:(
lgl
Posted by dancinbillie on June 27, 2005, at 18:32:01
In reply to Re: How do I tell my therapist . . . » dancinbillie, posted by Jazzed on June 26, 2005, at 23:06:15
> HI and welcome to babble,
>
> I would definitely NOT tell her about your internet searches and the background check. She might see the background check as almost stalking. But I think we all want to know about our T's, that's normal.
>
> As far as falling in love and having sexual feelings, that's normal too. I'm sure you'll hear that ppl on the boards are reading the book In Session, which is really good and explains a lot of this stuff, and why we experience it. Therapy is one of the most intimate relationships you'll ever have, sort of like a love affair. How long have you been going to your T? Maybe tell her you're having some confusing feelings about her, feelings you don't understand, and see what happens, and how she deals with it. You'll know if she can deal with it or not.
>
> Good luck,
> Jazzy
Hi Jazzy, thanks for your warm welcome and wise words =)I'm grateful for your response. I too thought my T might see the background check, particularly, as a "stalking" behavior. It worried me when I ordered the report and has continued to worry me - like, what in the world am I thinking about in doing this? What is wrong with me? If someone ran a report like that on me, it would frighten and anger me.
I've been wondering if I was somehow trying to balance the power in the relationship - she knows all kinds of stuff about me, so I try to even it up by knowing stuff about her. It's a little different, though - I know that she knows stuff about me, I've voluntarily shared the information with her - but she doesn't know I know stuff about her. Hmmmm . . . what's THAT about?
I am going to get the In Session book and read it. Notwithstanding the kind replies to my post that I have received, I still have trouble regarding my sexual feelings and fantasies about her as "normal." I don't know if my T has encountered this before or what her feelings would be - and it's certain that I won't find out if I don't bring it up, perhaps via the approach you suggested. However, I'm not sure if I can tell if she will be able to deal with it productively or not . . . I'm not very good at things like that. And I'm really terrified that she will terminate the treatment or pawn me off on another therapist.
As to your question, I've been seeing my T for about four months - 16 weekly visits so far. She is aware that I have trust and safety issues and has said to me that she believes I will share more when I feel safe enough to do so. I'm kind of thinking that my feeling safe be darned, I should put this on the table sooner rather than later, because it feels like a heavy-duty issue that bears scrutiny.
Thanks again, Jazzy =)
Posted by dancinbillie on June 27, 2005, at 19:41:53
In reply to Re: How do I tell my therapist . . . » dancinbillie, posted by Shortelise on June 26, 2005, at 23:40:35
> I'm going to disagree with Jazz: tell her. Tell her everything. As much as possible.
>
> Who here hasn't googled their T? I did and I told him. He didn't get weird about it. He knows we all do it. Your T would have to be very inexperienced not to know this!
>
> The relationship we have with our T is based on trust. We have to trust that s/he will know how to deal with any and all feelings we bring to him/her. That we experience love/lust/ whatever is all a part of the process for some of us, and it's just so very normal...
>
>
> So, Billie, I don't think you're weird, I don't think your T will think you're weird, and I think you've got a good place to start talking about your life. If this kind of feeling comes out in the first few sessions of therapy, chances are that this is an important issue in your life, one you neeed to talk about, one you need to sort through.
>
> How do you tell her? You open your mouth and say it. If you can't do that,. write it down and take it with you. If you can't do that, send it. If you can't do that, well, that's kind of a pity.
>
> There, my opinion, and my opinion only! Therapy can change ouor lives, it can make the dreadful things easier to get through.
>
> ((billie))
>
> ShortE
>Hi ShortE, thanks for the hugs, I needed them! And thanks for your reply, I really appreciate it.
I'm continuing to waffle between telling my T everything or simply telling her about my sexual thoughts and feelings. Certainly either way will be incredibly embarrassing, but being embarrassed by confessing my feelings is better than being kicked to the curb because she is fearful of my "stalker-like" behavior (getting a background report on her) - which behavior, on the other hand, I think is well worth looking into as part of therapy. Darn it, this is just irritating! I don't usually have such problems making a decision. I'm seriously obsessing about it.
I do know my T was first licensed as a licensed professional counselor in this state in early 1998, and as a licensed clinical psychologist (with a PsyD) since mid-2002. I'm not sure how "experienced" she would be considered.
Thanks again for your opinion and the hugs - one can never get too many of them!
((ShortE))
DB
Posted by dancinbillie on June 28, 2005, at 11:48:37
In reply to Re: How do I tell my therapist . . . » dancinbillie, posted by Tamar on June 27, 2005, at 4:07:37
> > that I'm having frequent sexual thoughts about her??? Or should I keep it quiet??? I feel strongly that I should share this with her in the best interest of my therapy, but I feel so embarrassed about it! I don't so much fantasize about actually having sex with her (although that scenario has definitely crossed my mind a number of times), rather I imagine watching her having sex with a partner or masturbating, which is powerfully arousing to me.
>
> A lot of people have these feelings. It can feel embarrassing to feel this way, but most therapists can handle it. If she’s a good therapist she will help you deal with the feelings so you’ll know where they’re coming from, and then they won’t be so overwhelming. Tell her if you can.
>
> > In addition to the sexual aspect, I find myself wanting to know EVERYTHING about her. I have gone so far as to Google her name and read anything about her that I can find, and I purchased a background report on her from the internet, telling myself I wanted to know what kind of person I was embarking on the therapeutic journey with. I knew all the while, though, that I was just obsessing over her (and still am), but I can't seem to stop it.
>
> As far as I can tell, everyone googles their therapist. Anything available on the internet is in the public domain, so it’s not an invasion of privacy. The background report isn’t exactly the same as googling, since you had to pay for it, but on the other hand it’s something anyone can access for a few bucks. In this day and age most therapists should understand that most of their patients will look for information about them on the internet.
>
> > A little background: I've always considered myself heterosexual, though I've had "crushes" on many women in my life, starting with my first-grade teacher. More than ten years ago, I experienced my first-ever crush on a man, and ended up engaging in a short-term affair with him, right before I got married. I was relieved to experience that crush because it involved a man, and thought that was the end of my having crushes on women. When I recognized my feelings about my therapist, after roughly three sessions, I was disturbed at the fact that this was happening yet again, although it feels good to feel this way.
>
> I can imagine you find it a bit alarming when you thought you were done with the crushes. But a crush on a therapist is no indication of your sexual orientation. Straight men find themselves having crushes on male therapists; gay men have crushes on female therapists, and so on. In a similar way, a woman seeing a female therapist might have feelings of wanting the therapist to be her father. The gender of the therapist doesn’t seem to matter when clients have feelings of love.
>
> > I fear that she will be bothered by my feelings and be angry/frightened by my internet invasion of her privacy. My ultimate fear is that she will terminate my treatment, which I feel is going reasonably well.
>
> I understand your fears. They are valid. A few therapists find it difficult to handle their clients’ feelings of love. These therapists may be less good at understanding their own personal feelings and therefore don’t feel able to handle their clients’ strong emotions.
>
> However, I think the vast majority of therapists anticipate their clients’ feelings of love and are able to deal with them in a gentle and sensitive way. The odds are on your side that she will understand and that she will be helpful.
>
> I hope that helps a bit.
>
> Tamar
>
Hi Tamar,Thanks for your comforting post and your kind words, I appreciate it =) Your post *did* help some - my feelings are indeed overwhelming and have been for about three of the four months that my T and I have been working together. When I go for my weekly appointment, I sit in the waiting area and sweat, and my heart beats quickly - when I enter her office, I feel like I'm hyperventilating, and it's hard to speak at first.
I did tell her about four or five sessions ago that I was nervous whenever I came to our appointment, and she seemed concerned and wanted to know why, but I completely lost my nerve and insisted I didn't know. I highly doubt she bought that, but she didn't press, other than to hazard a few guesses about what was making me nervous - none of which were close to the truth . . .
I feel like it's time to "come clean" with her about my feelings because I think it would open up some discussion that would be helpful to me. I really have no clue how she'll react, though, or whether she'll react authentically, or just keep a straight face, then feel completely disgusted after I leave.
I guess my original post clearly showed my confusion over having crushes on women but identifying as heterosexual. It's always made me wonder, as it has been basically a lifelong thing, though I haven't much discussed it, except a bit with my husband many years ago - he doesn't understand it either . . .
So enough from me, and I'm grateful to you for your reply - take care!
((Tamar))
DB
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