Posted by dancinbillie on June 28, 2005, at 11:48:37
In reply to Re: How do I tell my therapist . . . » dancinbillie, posted by Tamar on June 27, 2005, at 4:07:37
> > that I'm having frequent sexual thoughts about her??? Or should I keep it quiet??? I feel strongly that I should share this with her in the best interest of my therapy, but I feel so embarrassed about it! I don't so much fantasize about actually having sex with her (although that scenario has definitely crossed my mind a number of times), rather I imagine watching her having sex with a partner or masturbating, which is powerfully arousing to me.
>
> A lot of people have these feelings. It can feel embarrassing to feel this way, but most therapists can handle it. If she’s a good therapist she will help you deal with the feelings so you’ll know where they’re coming from, and then they won’t be so overwhelming. Tell her if you can.
>
> > In addition to the sexual aspect, I find myself wanting to know EVERYTHING about her. I have gone so far as to Google her name and read anything about her that I can find, and I purchased a background report on her from the internet, telling myself I wanted to know what kind of person I was embarking on the therapeutic journey with. I knew all the while, though, that I was just obsessing over her (and still am), but I can't seem to stop it.
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> As far as I can tell, everyone googles their therapist. Anything available on the internet is in the public domain, so it’s not an invasion of privacy. The background report isn’t exactly the same as googling, since you had to pay for it, but on the other hand it’s something anyone can access for a few bucks. In this day and age most therapists should understand that most of their patients will look for information about them on the internet.
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> > A little background: I've always considered myself heterosexual, though I've had "crushes" on many women in my life, starting with my first-grade teacher. More than ten years ago, I experienced my first-ever crush on a man, and ended up engaging in a short-term affair with him, right before I got married. I was relieved to experience that crush because it involved a man, and thought that was the end of my having crushes on women. When I recognized my feelings about my therapist, after roughly three sessions, I was disturbed at the fact that this was happening yet again, although it feels good to feel this way.
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> I can imagine you find it a bit alarming when you thought you were done with the crushes. But a crush on a therapist is no indication of your sexual orientation. Straight men find themselves having crushes on male therapists; gay men have crushes on female therapists, and so on. In a similar way, a woman seeing a female therapist might have feelings of wanting the therapist to be her father. The gender of the therapist doesn’t seem to matter when clients have feelings of love.
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> > I fear that she will be bothered by my feelings and be angry/frightened by my internet invasion of her privacy. My ultimate fear is that she will terminate my treatment, which I feel is going reasonably well.
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> I understand your fears. They are valid. A few therapists find it difficult to handle their clients’ feelings of love. These therapists may be less good at understanding their own personal feelings and therefore don’t feel able to handle their clients’ strong emotions.
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> However, I think the vast majority of therapists anticipate their clients’ feelings of love and are able to deal with them in a gentle and sensitive way. The odds are on your side that she will understand and that she will be helpful.
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> I hope that helps a bit.
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> Tamar
>
Hi Tamar,Thanks for your comforting post and your kind words, I appreciate it =) Your post *did* help some - my feelings are indeed overwhelming and have been for about three of the four months that my T and I have been working together. When I go for my weekly appointment, I sit in the waiting area and sweat, and my heart beats quickly - when I enter her office, I feel like I'm hyperventilating, and it's hard to speak at first.
I did tell her about four or five sessions ago that I was nervous whenever I came to our appointment, and she seemed concerned and wanted to know why, but I completely lost my nerve and insisted I didn't know. I highly doubt she bought that, but she didn't press, other than to hazard a few guesses about what was making me nervous - none of which were close to the truth . . .
I feel like it's time to "come clean" with her about my feelings because I think it would open up some discussion that would be helpful to me. I really have no clue how she'll react, though, or whether she'll react authentically, or just keep a straight face, then feel completely disgusted after I leave.
I guess my original post clearly showed my confusion over having crushes on women but identifying as heterosexual. It's always made me wonder, as it has been basically a lifelong thing, though I haven't much discussed it, except a bit with my husband many years ago - he doesn't understand it either . . .
So enough from me, and I'm grateful to you for your reply - take care!
((Tamar))
DB
poster:dancinbillie
thread:519490
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050628/msgs/520496.html