Posted by dancinbillie on June 26, 2005, at 20:03:58
that I'm having frequent sexual thoughts about her??? Or should I keep it quiet??? I feel strongly that I should share this with her in the best interest of my therapy, but I feel so embarrassed about it! I don't so much fantasize about actually having sex with her (although that scenario has definitely crossed my mind a number of times), rather I imagine watching her having sex with a partner or masturbating, which is powerfully arousing to me.
In addition to the sexual aspect, I find myself wanting to know EVERYTHING about her. I have gone so far as to Google her name and read anything about her that I can find, and I purchased a background report on her from the internet, telling myself I wanted to know what kind of person I was embarking on the therapeutic journey with. I knew all the while, though, that I was just obsessing over her (and still am), but I can't seem to stop it.
A little background: I've always considered myself heterosexual, though I've had "crushes" on many women in my life, starting with my first-grade teacher. More than ten years ago, I experienced my first-ever crush on a man, and ended up engaging in a short-term affair with him, right before I got married. I was relieved to experience that crush because it involved a man, and thought that was the end of my having crushes on women. When I recognized my feelings about my therapist, after roughly three sessions, I was disturbed at the fact that this was happening yet again, although it feels good to feel this way.
I fear that she will be bothered by my feelings and be angry/frightened by my internet invasion of her privacy. My ultimate fear is that she will terminate my treatment, which I feel is going reasonably well.
Thanks for reading, and for any suggestions anyone has to offer.
DB
poster:dancinbillie
thread:519490
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050622/msgs/519490.html