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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by cricket on June 20, 2005, at 12:24:09
I go through this almost all the time. I think I am doing okay with my therapist. I can even think of a few things I like about him (as I've posted on this past week).
But then I get close to my weekly appointment and this terrible dread sets in. I don't want to see him. I don't want to talk to him. I practically have to sit on my hands all day so I don't call and cancel.
I have never ever (not in 3 years) looked forward to an appointment.
I know it has something to do with shame. At least that's the feeling I get. I feel like so much less than he is that I can barely stand to think of myself in his presence.
Usually, when I manage to get there and sit in his office, not the waiting room, I hate the waiting room, I am okay and don't feel so repulsive. Not always though and the sessions where I can't squelch the shame are the worst.
Has anyone else ever felt this dread? How did it ever get better, and how many years did it take?
Posted by happyflower on June 20, 2005, at 12:29:42
In reply to Not Wanting to See T again., posted by cricket on June 20, 2005, at 12:24:09
I don't dread my appointments, but I do get a little b*tchy sometimes a couple of days before. Sometimes I just want to be alone with my thoughts and my family drives me nuts. I guess it is sort of like PMS. It is like I want to go, but I don't want to either.
Posted by frida on June 20, 2005, at 12:36:55
In reply to Not Wanting to See T again., posted by cricket on June 20, 2005, at 12:24:09
hi cricket
i'm sorry you feel that way. I can relate to the feeling of shame- I feel/felt that for years, in relation to my T..feeling afraid I was too bad to be there sitting in the same room as her, feeling that I had no rights or didn't deserve her to waste time with me, feeling i didn't deserve to be there-
but i did look forward to seeing her because i still had hope...
i think the best is to talk about it with your T.
I told her over and over (in writing) about how I felt...
she knows, how hard it is sometimes to even ring the bell. And how hard to trust-
a lot of it has to do with trust (in her and in myself). It took me a long long time
to believe in my heart that i deserved to be there, and to trust..it was a horrible feeling sometimes to leave and feel so worthless :-(
It took me around 4 years- and I still struggle with the shame and fear.
But it has got much, much better.
the key was to talk to her about it, not to keep it inside.
talk to your T.. it will bring you relief...not to struggle with these feelings all alone..
Maybe you can write to your T if talking feels difficult?lots of support,
frida
>
> But then I get close to my weekly appointment and this terrible dread sets in. I don't want to see him. I don't want to talk to him. I practically have to sit on my hands all day so I don't call and cancel.
>
> I have never ever (not in 3 years) looked forward to an appointment.
>
> I know it has something to do with shame. At least that's the feeling I get. I feel like so much less than he is that I can barely stand to think of myself in his presence.
>
> Usually, when I manage to get there and sit in his office, not the waiting room, I hate the waiting room, I am okay and don't feel so repulsive. Not always though and the sessions where I can't squelch the shame are the worst.
>
> Has anyone else ever felt this dread? How did it ever get better, and how many years did it take?
>
>
Posted by sunny10 on June 20, 2005, at 13:29:07
In reply to Re: Not Wanting to See T again. » cricket, posted by frida on June 20, 2005, at 12:36:55
I think I would feel this way if I even felt like therapy was getting to the real me inside.
I don't know why, but I tend to disassociate during my sessions. I talk about painful stuff, but I am relating a memory, not experiencing it. And I know that I'm supposed to be feeling something. I do get a lump in my throat, but soldier on past it until I can say what is stuck in my throat.
I am hoping that I am just giving T enough background in these beginning stages of therapy. I am hoping that what we're doing right now is not therapeutic in and of itself, I mean. Because I am not deriving any feelings of learning or satisfaction, or any better at "liking/loving" myself.
I am just a storyteller at this point. That's why it doesn't bother me to go.
I think I would rather dread going. At least it would mean that subconsciously I would know that I am getting through the tough stuff. And maybe, consciously,I could get something good out of it!
I guess I'm trying to say, "stick with it. Be strong. Be strong enough to learn and become a stronger person than you are today."
I hope I get that far, and I hope I have the strength to "go for it", scary as it may be.
And you'll be the one here to help ME out with it when the time comes.
Posted by Jazzed on June 20, 2005, at 16:55:59
In reply to Not Wanting to See T again., posted by cricket on June 20, 2005, at 12:24:09
> But then I get close to my weekly appointment and this terrible dread sets in. I don't want to see him. I don't want to talk to him. I practically have to sit on my hands all day so I don't call and cancel.I'm so sorry that you feel that way. Is there anything about your T that makes you feel this way? What kind of T could you work with that wouldn't make you feel this way? You're every bit as worthy as anyone else to be there, and I'm sure your T feels you're worthy.
>
> I know it has something to do with shame. At least that's the feeling I get. I feel like so much less than he is that I can barely stand to think of myself in his presence.I'm so sorry, this sounds like it feels horrible.
I know it doesn't help for me to say that the T's have heard it all and seen it all. You're as worthy as anyone else, and you need a T just as badly as anyone else who's there.>
> Has anyone else ever felt this dread? How did it ever get better, and how many years did it take?
>
I haven't been to therapy in years, until recently, but when I was a teen-ager in therapy, I felt somewhat this way. I didn't feel like I was worth his time, even though he tried to be very kind to me. I regressed into my shell and got worse. It took a wonderful new T, and some therapy to get over the 1st T. The T I have now, just started with him, is not handsome or well dressed or anything like that. Maybe he does that on purpose to make ppl comfortable.Jazzy
Posted by Dinah on June 20, 2005, at 17:04:28
In reply to Not Wanting to See T again., posted by cricket on June 20, 2005, at 12:24:09
You've been tackling tough issues. I think it's not surprising that you are reluctant to go each time. But it does get better, it really does.
Posted by antigua on June 20, 2005, at 17:11:00
In reply to Re: Not Wanting to See T again. » cricket, posted by Jazzed on June 20, 2005, at 16:55:59
Aww Cricket,
I'm sorry you feel this way. I felt this way for a very long time--years, in fact, but it came to be a comfortable joke between us. The more I don't want to go, the more I know I need to. I still find that when things are really tough, I sabotage myself to make myself late. Othertimes I try to be late (I wasn't late the first 10 years--always exactly on time) but still get there on time. The important thing is that I try to let her know those things, but she knows them by now. She often starts off with "now why didn't you want to come today?" or "what is it that you didn't want to tell me?"Hang in there,
antigua
Posted by Aphrodite on June 20, 2005, at 17:49:33
In reply to Not Wanting to See T again., posted by cricket on June 20, 2005, at 12:24:09
I'm not sure of your particulars, but I can relate. I will be having a hard time and I will comfort myself by telling myself that therapy is just in 2 or 3 days or whatever. However, when it nears that time, I don't want to go and often haven't. And when I do, I do so out of responsibility and obligation.
My T thinks that I have an inner part of my self-care system that throws that dread over me to stop me from "telling". It's an internal mechanism I use to protect myself from very old hurt and pain. Coming to therapy and sharing the secrets is internally seen as making myself vulnerable. He says I just have to keep pushing through and this new way of being, where and I can tell and trust, will replace the silencing.
I don't know if this will ring true with you, but I thought I would share just in case. In any event, I just want you to know that after a year and a half of twice a week therapy, I still long for and dread my appointments.
Posted by cricket on June 21, 2005, at 10:51:56
In reply to Not Wanting to See T again., posted by cricket on June 20, 2005, at 12:24:09
Thanks everyone for responding. I really appreciate all the support.
I am always 10 mintues late. In fact, he's gotten so used to it that his prior client always leaves 10 minutes late. And as soon as my therapist tells me I can go (sometimes we can only stand 30 minutes), I spring up like a jack rabbit and run (quite literally) down his stairs.
I wish he could make more of a joke of my dread of therapy. But sometimes he gets defensive. This is not junior high school detention, he says.
And he's quite right to get defensive sometimes. I've spent whole sessions just giving one word answers at best. I look out the window. I tell him that I have no intention of spending any of my spare time thinking about him or therapy. So he crosses his arms up high on his chest and scowls at me.
I always make sure to tell him the dreams which I am sure he will interpret as him doing his job poorly. I've had dreams where he's blind, others where he's reading the newspaper as my arm is being cut off, another where his office turned into a stage, he was the stage director and I had to perform, another where he had no sole on his shoe. I might not tell him much but I always tell him these dreams.
What the h*** perhaps my purpose in life is to break down his ego. It's quite big enough to stand some assault on my part.
Posted by Dinah on June 21, 2005, at 12:48:27
In reply to Re: Not Wanting to See T again., posted by cricket on June 21, 2005, at 10:51:56
That describes me for years with my therapist. I needed to know that he wouldn't let me down.
He passed.
Posted by annierose on June 21, 2005, at 14:25:29
In reply to Re: Not Wanting to See T again., posted by cricket on June 21, 2005, at 10:51:56
Sounds like you are quite mad that he is still accepting of you, even with your never ending supply of ammunition. A part of you may feel uncomfortable to be with someone who truly wants to know you, wants to help you, despite all your protests.
The first time I went to therapy I felt similar. Keep plugging away. Soon, you might even begin to trust him. I think he does want to help you. You might even begin to like therapy.
Posted by cricket on June 21, 2005, at 16:28:20
In reply to Re: Not Wanting to See T again. » cricket, posted by annierose on June 21, 2005, at 14:25:29
Thanks Dinah and Annierose,
Yeah you're probably right in some ways it is a test. It sure doesn't feel like it right now. It just feels like survival.
I just had another intense session where "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you" kept going through my mind. I know he's not a mind reader but I am sure some of those charged emotions must get through to him. And he stayed nonplussed through it all.
I sure do hope it gets easier soon. I can't take too many more years of this. And I am so sick of being a crybaby in there.
Posted by Dinah on June 21, 2005, at 18:31:08
In reply to Re: Not Wanting to See T again., posted by cricket on June 21, 2005, at 16:28:20
It wasn't a gradual process for me. It was like development in children. Wham! All of the sudden things changed. Well, I suppose technically a lot of work was being done while things seemed static (just as in a child's brain), but the resulting moves forward happen in sudden spurts.
I hope that comes for you soon.
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