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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 25. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on November 4, 2004, at 15:48:47
So it's no secret that I adore my therapist. He has helped me through the darkest period of my life and helped me love myself again. I truly love him. How can one not love someone who has helped you do that? And I not only love him for that, but for the person that he is. I love him for the person he has helped me become. I enjoy spending time with him. We have very similar interests and senses of humor. We have a very good chemistry.
I am now in therapy twice a month instead of once a week. This is a sign of progress and mutually agreed upon by both of us. I am being slowly weaned and testing my way in the world. I realize this is the logical progression and I know I am ready for it. And I have been dealing with it well. What is hard is missing him. I miss him, plain and simple.
Had a session this afternoon and it was great. Now however, I am very sad as I know it will be 14 days until I see him again. And don't get me wrong, I'm not out to sleep with him or try to have some sort of relationship other than a therapeutic one. I suppose if I am truly truly honest, I want him to be my father.
Will I get over this? I've been on the verge of tears all afternoon Do I make some proclamation in therapy that I love him? Will that make me feel better?
He is not one for transference, but I kind of want to make him confront this since I can't be the only patient of his who feels this way.
I feel pathetic.
Posted by daisym on November 4, 2004, at 17:01:53
In reply to Meaningless Musing on my Therapist, posted by Miss Honeychurch on November 4, 2004, at 15:48:47
(((Miss Honeychurch)))
You are not pathetic. You found someone who touches your soul, who has seen you as you say, at your darkest place, and still accepts who you are. You love him. We all want to be with people we love. After all, how many times do we get to love and feel loved in our life?
He would want to know you are suffering with this. Being in it alone makes you feel bad about it, instead of letting it be a tender hurt, based on bitter-sweet feelings. I think you should tell him. It is part of the termination phase, so he will probably expect it.
In the meantime, thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. It is really nice to hear when someone is doing well and has a great relationship with their therapist. Be nice to yourself.
Posted by mandinka on November 4, 2004, at 17:25:35
In reply to Re: Meaningless Musing on my Therapist » Miss Honeychurch, posted by daisym on November 4, 2004, at 17:01:53
Your are absolutely not pathetic!
Feeling love for someone is a great thing!
You should talk to him about your feelings. It is perfectly normal to have such an attachment to someone who has done so much good for you for a long time. I'm sure he'll be perfectly understanding. :)
Posted by Dinah on November 4, 2004, at 19:35:54
In reply to Meaningless Musing on my Therapist, posted by Miss Honeychurch on November 4, 2004, at 15:48:47
Miss Honeychurch, I hate to say that I understand your reluctance. It's a shame that love is something that wouldn't always be received as the gift it is. Those of us who have therapists who accept it gravely as a gift, but without misinterpreting it as a demand, are fortunate indeed.
But not all therapy clients are that fortunate. Some therapists *don't* feel comfortable with loving feelings from clients. Rotten shame, that.
If you're aware that he doesn't do transference, I can understand your reluctance to disclose feelings that I also wouldn't write off as transference. He has grown to mean something to you in the therapeutic relationship, and it's ok and natural to feel that. It's even a testament to his work.
Can you feel him out? Most therapists aren't idiots. My therapist always considers that when I bring him a dilemma from the board, that it is a prelude to my confessing the same thing. It quite frequently isn't. Far more frequently than it is. But he gets very careful and cautiously conveys the message he wishes to convey. Is it possible for you to talk about the loving feelings that many people seem to develop towards therapists that have helped them immensely, especially as therapy begins the process of conclusion? If he's half the therapist you've described, he should either subtly encourage you to express what you feel or sensitively warn you not to express any feelings you might have.
I only say this because I *have* seen stories of therapists who don't take it well, and I'd hate to see you hurt. I think it's a darn shame, but there it is.
And I used a similar approach with my own therapist. It was a very long long process for me to be able to tell him that I wasn't in love with him, but I did love him.
Posted by annierose on November 4, 2004, at 19:42:04
In reply to Re: Meaningless Musing on my Therapist » Miss Honeychurch, posted by Dinah on November 4, 2004, at 19:35:54
That was very brave of you Dinah, as well as wonderful. How did he react? What did he say?
Posted by Dinah on November 4, 2004, at 19:49:02
In reply to Re: Meaningless Musing on my Therapist » Dinah, posted by annierose on November 4, 2004, at 19:42:04
He was very gentle, as I recall. He said that he didn't feel comfortable using the same words because of possible misunderstandings, but that he did care about me, and that he thought that what he meant by that was very similar to what I meant by what I said.
I've mentioned it from time to time in the year or two since, and he treated it respectfully each time. It was never an announcement again, of course. It was always part of another discussion after that, and used in context. But it does help me grasp that he remembers how I feel and is ok with it.
Posted by annierose on November 4, 2004, at 20:51:02
In reply to Re: Meaningless Musing on my Therapist » annierose, posted by Dinah on November 4, 2004, at 19:49:02
Thanks Dinah for your reply. I see a female T,
so I don't think she would misunderstand my feelings as being sexual (as I am happily *most of the time* married female). But I am fond of her and try to convey that. It's an awkward topic for myself.
Posted by littleone on November 4, 2004, at 21:09:15
In reply to Meaningless Musing on my Therapist, posted by Miss Honeychurch on November 4, 2004, at 15:48:47
Oh Miss Honeychurch. I don't know what to say to make things better, but please know that I am thinking of you and sending kind wishes your way.
Your post made me think of that show that used to be on TV years ago. I think it was called The Littlest Hobo. It was about a man (or maybe it was a dog?) who had no home, he just wandered from town to town. In each town he would come across someone who needed helping, help them, then leave. Even though it is *us* walking away, not our T's, it still has that same sort of feel to it. I didn't like watching the show that much because I always felt sad when he left the town and his new friends.
*sigh* Therapy is such a paradox.
> Will I get over this? I've been on the verge of tears all afternoon Do I make some proclamation in therapy that I love him? Will that make me feel better?
I don't know the answer to this. Sorry. If it's any consolation, I don't think you're pathetic. I've always loved to read your posts. You have a lovely sense of humour.
In fact, wouldn't it be more pathetic if you *hadn't* formed such a strong attachment to your T? How long has your T been practicing for? If the answer is "many years", I'm sure he must have dealt with this before. Also (and I'm sure part of this is wishful thinking on my part), I kind of think your T *must* be attached to you after you have shared so much. Surely he must be going to miss you too (at least just a tiny tiny bit). In that case, it might be nice to talk about it. Ugh, still don't think I'd be able to though (but then, I'm nowhere close to be being a therapy graduate ;)
Posted by shortelise on November 5, 2004, at 0:48:37
In reply to Meaningless Musing on my Therapist, posted by Miss Honeychurch on November 4, 2004, at 15:48:47
Miss H/C, I am sitting here with tears reading these posts.
If he isn't one for transference, then maybe he'll take it as a real feeling of one person for another.
I so admire you. I too have recently gone fron once a week to twice a month, and miss my T as you describe. Mine is my mother, though he's a man.
What I admire you for is that you are able to acknowledge to yourself that you love him. The kind of attachment I feel for mine I am afraid to look at, afraid to define. I know he doesn't love me and because of that, that I might love him is unbearable.
I feel pathetic too. I can't answer any of your questions, but I sure can empathize.
ShortE
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on November 5, 2004, at 9:25:26
In reply to Re: Meaningless Musing on my Therapist » Miss Honeychurch, posted by daisym on November 4, 2004, at 17:01:53
Thanks, Daisy. Your encouragement means a lot. The first and only time I brought up transference it wasn't discussed much. It was about a year ago and I had loaned him Deborah Lott's book which he said he enjoyed. When I confessed my feelings of transference (through writing, I was too chicken to say anything), he said "not to worry" that he had read Lott's book. And that was that. Nothing more, ever. I guess his strategy was just to accept it and never say anything. This is why I am fearful to bring it up again. I felt slightly humiliated the first time and am afraid it will happen again.
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on November 5, 2004, at 9:28:55
In reply to Re: Meaningless Musing on my Therapist, posted by mandinka on November 4, 2004, at 17:25:35
Thanks, mandinka.
I know I should talk to him about it, but I suppose I'm really afraid that if I do bring it up, it will make him uncomfortable and he will be more enthusiastic to get rid of me.
It's the whole rejection thing. Of course I do not expect him to say he loves me back. I know he can't love me. I am one of 20 or so clients and one of hundreds he has seen throughout his career.
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on November 5, 2004, at 9:31:41
In reply to Re: Meaningless Musing on my Therapist, posted by Miss Honeychurch on November 5, 2004, at 9:28:55
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on November 5, 2004, at 9:35:34
In reply to Re: Meaningless Musing on my Therapist » Miss Honeychurch, posted by Dinah on November 4, 2004, at 19:35:54
Dinah, thanks for the encouragement. Perhaps I will start to feel him out concerning this. That's good advice.
I just wonder why I want to tell him this. What are my motivations? There is a huge part of me that never wants him to forget me. perhaps I am being dramatic so he can always remember the one who professed her love. I suppose my motivations are born out of gratefulness.
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on November 5, 2004, at 9:42:32
In reply to Re: Meaningless Musing on my Therapist, posted by littleone on November 4, 2004, at 21:09:15
littleone,
Thanks for your support. It means a lot to me to have so many people respond to this thread.
My T has been teaching and in practice for 23 years, so I'm sure he's seen everything and dealt with everything. As far as him actually caring for me or that he may actually miss me when I'm gone, I'm pretty sceptical on that one. I also realize that even if he did feel these things, he probably wouldn't disclose that to me. And so there I would be, my love out there on a silver platter. REceived with a nod and a half hearted smile.
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on November 5, 2004, at 10:40:51
In reply to Re: Meaningless Musing on my Therapist » Miss Honeychurch, posted by shortelise on November 5, 2004, at 0:48:37
shorte,
It's nice to know I'm not alone. Thanks for your words. I just wonder if Therapists REALLY grasp how much they mean to us. Afterall, they are our ONLY therapist whereas we are one among many clients.
Posted by mandinka on November 5, 2004, at 11:20:37
In reply to Re: Meaningless Musing on my Therapist, posted by Miss Honeychurch on November 5, 2004, at 9:28:55
How about this? You could write about your feelings and add that you are afraid of his reaction now, because the first time 'round you felt kind of brushed off, that you have no expectations - you just don't want to have insincerity creep between you and that's why you need to bring this subject back into the open.
I can feel your heartache and I'm really sorry you have such a dillema. I understand this is not an easy decision but living under pressure is a real drag too. BTW, the fact that your T has many clients doesn't mean that he cannot feel for you! :)
I guess that if your T didn't get rid of you when you first addressed this issue, then he might be receptive to talking about it again now. He simply might have been afraid of using your feelings to feed his narcissistic needs by unravelling the subject.
Posted by LittleGirlLost on November 5, 2004, at 11:29:22
In reply to Meaningless Musing on my Therapist, posted by Miss Honeychurch on November 4, 2004, at 15:48:47
> I suppose if I am truly truly honest, I want him to be my father.
I think you should tell him this. I sort of told mine (in writing, of course) and it was embarrassing, but she said it was brave of me. She handled it well; then again, she seems to love working with transference.
> Will I get over this? I've been on the verge of tears all afternoon Do I make some proclamation in therapy that I love him? Will that make me feel better?
I know exactly how you feel. I suffer the same way after seeing my T. I'd be too embarrassed to tell my T that I love her, but I wish I could. Growing up, we just didn't say "those" things, so for me, as hard as it is to say something bad, it's probably harder to say something good! I dunno.... I still struggle with this.
LGL
Posted by shrinking violet on November 5, 2004, at 11:34:59
In reply to Re: Meaningless Musing on my Therapist » Miss Honeychurch, posted by mandinka on November 5, 2004, at 11:20:37
I'm sorry this is so painful for you.
I've been considering telling my T (currently ex-T, but I'm thinking of going back if she'll accept me again) that I love her during our last session (not sexual love at all, just grateful- respectful-type love for her as a person and for working so hard as my T, and for the caring she gives, etc). I want to wait until then to tell her mostly out of fear of her response and don't want to chance that it would taint her feeling toward me or the therapy in any way if I told her while treatment was ongoing. Part of me thinks she'll be very accepting and touched by it, given her personality and the way she is with me. The other part is afraid it'll be awkward or weird. And I'd hate to do anything during our last session that I might regret or have fall flat and then have to live with that forever. But I know that if I didn't tell her, it would bother me just as much.
If you feel like you *have* to tell your T this, then try to find a way to do it. Would telling yourself that you will definitely do it at some point before you end with him help? That way the need might not feel so urgent and you could then think about it a bit more objectively. In the meantime, perhaps broach the subject of terminations in general, how he handles them, how clients react, how he feels, etc. Maybe you'll get a better "read" from him that way before you talk about your situation specifically.
Take care and good luck.
SV
Posted by shortelise on November 5, 2004, at 12:26:24
In reply to Meaningless Musing on my Therapist, posted by Miss Honeychurch on November 4, 2004, at 15:48:47
Wow, this is really emotional for me, reading this thread. I didn't know.
Miss H/C, unless your T is a complete idiot, which I doubt, he is going to realize that your love is a gift, and a priviledge.
Why you want to tell him? Because you've be so honest with him, because there are few secrets between you, because it's such a strong feeling... Why does anyone ever want to tell another person about their love?
The question I am asking myself is what does it mean to me when someone tells me they love me?
It's funny Miss H/C, but I can only think of reasons that I couldn't tell my T. Fear. Maybe for you, telling him is evidence of freedom from this fear? I don't know where you came from, where you started, but maybe trusting him enough to love him, and enough to tell him so, is important. For me, right now, it would be a step into the abyss. For you, if trust you will step onto solid ground, maybe that's important?
I don't know. This sure gets me by the heart, though.
ShortE
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on November 5, 2004, at 14:32:33
In reply to Re: Meaningless Musing on my Therapist, posted by shrinking violet on November 5, 2004, at 11:34:59
That's good advice, violet, thank you.
Like you, I have been thinking maybe I'll just save it for the last session, that way I won't have to live with any awkwardness. But like you, I also wonder what if it goes over like a lead balloon? And that will be what I have to live with the rest of my life, the last taste in my mouth of therapy.
I just wish I could do this like we did in Junior high. That I could have a girlfriend tell him that I had a crush on him or something.
And my last session is way off. HE calls this every other week thing "Maintenance." After that we'll go down to once a month. Then once every three months. So I am far from over. Plus my insurance company just approved me for another 30 sessions which I fully plan on using!
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on November 5, 2004, at 14:36:20
In reply to Re: Meaningless Musing on my Therapist » Miss Honeychurch, posted by LittleGirlLost on November 5, 2004, at 11:29:22
You are lucky she loves to work with transference. My T is heavily CBT oriented, and views us as a "team." I feel as if he would be horrified if I told him I wanted him to be my father!
We have no physical contact except for handshakes which I treasure. I'm afraid if I do tell him my feelings that this would stop. I am such a coward.
Thanks for your input, LG
Posted by Dinah on November 6, 2004, at 7:54:53
In reply to Re: Meaningless Musing on my Therapist » Dinah, posted by Miss Honeychurch on November 5, 2004, at 9:35:34
I don't think you need to overanalyze your motivations in wanting to tell him. I think it's nature to want to express loving feelings. They overflow the heart.
I also think there are times when it's loving to choose to not share those loving feelings. That's when it's useful to sound the person out.
Although I suppose I've been guilty of telling a friend I love her, when it makes her feel a bit uncomfortable.
Posted by Aphrodite on November 6, 2004, at 8:33:03
In reply to Re: Meaningless Musing on my Therapist, posted by Miss Honeychurch on November 5, 2004, at 9:28:55
>
> It's the whole rejection thing. Of course I do not expect him to say he loves me back. I know he can't love me. I am one of 20 or so clients and one of hundreds he has seen throughout his career.Miss HC, I am so touched by your dilemma. I just wanted to share a thought on your comment above to Mandinka. I am a teacher, and I have to tell you, even though I have had many, many students (they are college freshmen, btw) I care about them all. The ones who stand out in my mind are the ones who made some kind of proclamation that I was important to them, that I changed them or touched them in some way. I still receive Christmas card from one student 7 years later. I remember everything about her! So, I think the volume doesn't stop people from caring.
However, I too have deep, caring feelings for my T that I am inhibited to express. I think the time will come, and I think he can feel how important he is to me. Still, your need to express your feelings seems very urgent from your post. I think you should try again first be expressing all of your reservations and fears before you do.
Another thought I've had by reading this board is that there seems to be a huge difference between CBTers and psychodynamic therapists in dealing with these sorts of matters. Maybe he is just trying to follow some method? I don't know.
Let us know how things go.
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on November 8, 2004, at 16:27:28
In reply to Re: Meaningless Musing on my Therapist » Miss Honeychurch, posted by Aphrodite on November 6, 2004, at 8:33:03
Aphrodite,
Makes me feel a lot better knowing you remember you students so long after they have left you. I just wish I knew why it was so important to me that he remember me. I suppose because he has made such a big impact on my life, I want to leave an imprint on his brain. Very childish.
Posted by Pfinstegg on November 8, 2004, at 20:06:31
In reply to Re: Meaningless Musing on my Therapist » Aphrodite, posted by Miss Honeychurch on November 8, 2004, at 16:27:28
No, it's really important. He will be one of the most important people in your life, as long as you live, and you've had a wonderful relationship with him. Also, you got so much better! That must mean so much to him. I would try to let him know how much you care about him in some way. I am willing to bet that you mean a lot to him, too.
This is the end of the thread.
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