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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 27, 2004, at 20:41:52
I know this will probably sound like I am in denial or something (and indeed I might be) but I don't remember having ever felt angry / hostile before. Typically when something happens which would result in most people feeling angry, I feel really sad instead. But over the last week or so I have really felt like I have been raging inside. I am not sure what to do about it, and I am not so sure how to cope with it because I haven't been aware of this before. I only figured out that I am feeling this way because my T noticed that I was directing a fair bit of it at her. I feel really sorry and embarrassed and ashamed about this. Maybe what the problem is is that most of the significant people that I have had in my life have gotten sick of me, and so maybe I am hating her in anticipation that she will repeat this cycle for me. Our relationship is a bit tenuous at the moment so I am worried that I will frighten her away. Maybe thats what I want, so I can prove to myself that I really am unacceptable to others. Why isn't figuring all this out helping the anger go away, though??
Posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2004, at 21:49:46
In reply to discovering anger and hostility for the first time, posted by alexandra_k on August 27, 2004, at 20:41:52
Wow I can really relate to your story. I wish I knew the answer as well. I have the same questions you do.
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on August 27, 2004, at 22:53:15
In reply to discovering anger and hostility for the first time, posted by alexandra_k on August 27, 2004, at 20:41:52
Alex, like you, I had surpressed all of my anger for 35 years. INstead of being angry, I would just cry and be sad. I have FINALLY embraced the idea that it is actually not a crime to be angry! What you are feeling is actually a really good sign that you are progressing! Embrace this anger. Your body and mind have been dying to express it.
AS for how to let it out, my T told me to cuss up a storm which I now do(when no once can hear me of course!) and it really helps. I think a good 5 minute cussing rampage really does the trick sometimes.
But your feelings of anger are normal and a really good sign.
Posted by fallsfall on August 28, 2004, at 7:44:44
In reply to discovering anger and hostility for the first time, posted by alexandra_k on August 27, 2004, at 20:41:52
I typically stuff my anger, too. (Except my 16 year old daughter gets to see my anger fairly regularly...)
Recently, I was angry at my therapist - so angry that I called it "rage" - and it scared me to death. I quickly changed to focus of my rage from him to me, and wound up in a deep, deep depression.
I know that I need to accept that I can be angry, and that being angry doesn't make me a bad person. I'm not looking forward to seeing rage again, though - I have no idea how to deal with it. My therapist once said that he thought it would be "therapeutic" for me to get angry at him. So I know that it is *acceptable* to be angry. But that is as far as I have gotten.
Posted by shrinking violet on August 28, 2004, at 10:33:22
In reply to Re: discovering anger and hostility for the first time » alexandra_k, posted by fallsfall on August 28, 2004, at 7:44:44
Wow, I'm the exact opposite. Anger has always been the one emotion for me that I feel "safe" with. I'd rather feel anger than feel hurt or sad or cry or any of those other "messy" emotions. My family is also fairly volatile in that anger is the first and only emotion that is safe to feel and express to others, and we have very short tempers. I'm not really afraid of my anger, although I know I have too much of it, and I know I often use it to mask other emotions. Whenever I do let myself feel hurt or sadness, I do so alone and try to hide it as best I can from everyone else. It's interesting that most people are afraid of anger, yet I'm more afraid of feeling and showing that I am vulnerable. Now I'm realizing that maybe I need to let myself feel other things more, especially after I started repeatedly directing my anger at my T, and her reacting to it. I feel very safe with her, so if I were going to show or let myself feel any other emotion, it would be with her. I wish I had some words for you that might help, other than it's OK to be angry, it doesn't mean you are a bad person, and try not to be afraid of it; we have emotions (the "pleasant" ones and the "unpleasant" ones) for a reason. Maybe too, after 'stuffing' your anger for a while, it starts to come out whether you want it to or not, and at first it may feel overwhelming. Try throwing ice cubes at a tree, I've heard that can help. :)
Good luck.
-SV
Posted by antigua on August 28, 2004, at 10:47:14
In reply to discovering anger and hostility for the first time, posted by alexandra_k on August 27, 2004, at 20:41:52
I think it's wonderful that you're discovering anger and hostility for the first time (as an adult, I assume?) Anger and hostility turned inward, you probably already know, results in depression, which is the route I've always taken.
My father abused me as a child and I learned very early on that I couldn't express anger or he would leave me. It became a life-long pattern that I have been working to break. It may sound funny, but I'm stil working on being angry at my father for what happened. I can feel it in spurts, but I don't feel the all-out anger I am entitled to feel.I can express anger in my everyday life--with my husband and children, but not w/my mother interestingly enough, because I trust them and I know my children need a strong role model.
But I can't express anger over what happened to me. I work on it, and experience it occasionally but what I really want is to let it all out. I know it's bottled up inside. I've tried EMDR and that helps a little.I'm afraid of my anger. I'm afraid that if I let it out, I will lose control.
So, you certainly aren't alone. I think it's a good thing this is happening to you.
best,
antigua
Posted by LauraG on August 28, 2004, at 16:56:11
In reply to Re: discovering anger and hostility for the first time » alexandra_k, posted by antigua on August 28, 2004, at 10:47:14
Yes, I tend to stuff my anger too! My T and I have discovered that really I have a lot of anger toward my mom for her being REALLY angry all the time when I was little and she would withhold love and affection if I was ever mad. I have anger at my dad too. But it is next to impossible to actually "experience it" now in therapy like my T says I need to in order to get rid of it. I have been mad at my T and talked about being mad at my husband. She then launches into the exercise I really dislike where she asks, "How do you experience your anger? What do you feel to do with it?" In other words, what do I feel like doing TO the person I am angry at. And it seems that she wants to hear the worst possible stuff as if I'm some murderer. She says I have "murderous rage" which is just disturbing to hear. When I fight with my husband I would never ever consider making something a weapon or even hitting him with my hand. My T wants me to "picture in my mind" doing things like that though. It's SO weird and she knows I don't like this exercise.
Gosh, I hope I don't scare anyone away from embracing your anger! I really do think it is very important to express anger in a healthy way. I guess my T is trying to help me do that by first releasing some of the anger I've been spending so much energy stuffing down for 34 years. It is very very hard to do. I'm not sure she really understands how hard it feels for me. I have told her.
Does anyone else have to go through uncomfortable exercises to get to their anger?
Posted by alexandra_k on August 28, 2004, at 18:45:16
In reply to Re: discovering anger and hostility for the first, posted by LauraG on August 28, 2004, at 16:56:11
wow, thanks everyone. I guess that I am afraid of flying off the handle if I experience anger too much. Actually there was this one time when I was an inpatient and one of the ward councellors decided to have this 'and this is what is wrong with you' talk to me. I remember her going on and on, criticising and attacking me and saying things that I thought demonstrated just how little she actually did know anything about me. I could feel myself dissociating and kept thinking 'stoppit, just stoppit' over and over and then something snapped and I flew at her. I just wanted to make her stop. I think I was throwing punches at her, but I don't think I actually hurt her, my behaviour was too disorganised. When people jumped on me I just curled up into a little ball on the ground and wailed. Oh do I cringe when I remember that one. I think that I am learning that anger is okay, but it is this rage that terrifies me. I just want to attack and criticise and winge and moan, oh and to hurt my T at the moment. It makes me sad to write this. I wish the rage would go away, or at least be directed at me.
Posted by antigua on August 29, 2004, at 12:56:33
In reply to Re: discovering anger and hostility for the first, posted by LauraG on August 28, 2004, at 16:56:11
I can get to the anger but I can't really express it outside of myself. I've beaten on pillows w/bats and screamed at the top of my lungs, but it still doesn't really come out. They are simply exercises and they don't make a difference for me.
Murderous rage? I would be afraid of that, too, but my fear is that I will lose control of myself and do damage to myself and not anyone else. I guess I should explore this more. I always get from my T, "now, what's the worst that could happen" if you did get that angry, but I still can't go there.
I think it's good to let it out, in a safe environment. Unfortunately, I don't think I will ever feel that safe.
antigua
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