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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 4 to 28 of 74. Go back in thread:
Posted by jane d on April 30, 2010, at 0:27:45
In reply to Re: Dr. Bob, I wish I didn't get upset when, posted by Deneb on April 30, 2010, at 0:14:26
> :-(
>
> I'm sorry.My reply didn't belong here either.
:-(
Posted by glydin 2010 on April 30, 2010, at 16:58:38
In reply to Dr. Bob, I wish I didn't get upset when, posted by Deneb on April 29, 2010, at 23:50:34
I know we have had discussions before where I have voiced feelings of feeling unsettled and other upsetting emotions over your posts to and about Dr. Bob. I have tried to make peace with your behavior and realize Dr. Bob allows this....
That being said, I am trying to be helpful with the following: You HAVE stated many times in the past that you were okay with the level of interaction Dr. Bob was willing to have with you on this and the other boards. Maybe, you can remind yourself of that at times you feel ignored or badly and not see it as an unspoken personal commentary?
Part of my making peace was seeing the posts and Dr. Bob's responses to them as being not harmful to you or Dr. Bob. I do not not like to think that this is a harmful behavior for you. SOOOO, taking it for it being an "IS" would have me feeling better about the whole thing.
I see this situation as a defining of you and Dr. Bob's online relationship. It will be as it will be. Questioning why Dr. Bob does what he does has been fruitless for many.... it is what it is.... acceptance isn't easy but it may be the best path in this situation :)
Posted by PartlyCloudy on April 30, 2010, at 18:28:52
In reply to Re: Dr. Bob, I wish I didn't get upset when » Deneb, posted by glydin 2010 on April 30, 2010, at 16:58:38
I too am troubled by posts of this nature.
It is not Deneb's posts that are the issue for me. I hope that I have taken the appropriate route in expressing my concerns.PartlyCloudy
Posted by Glydin 2010 on April 30, 2010, at 19:09:00
In reply to Re: Dr. Bob, I wish I didn't get upset when, posted by PartlyCloudy on April 30, 2010, at 18:28:52
From a general healthiness aspect of the community, I have had some questions of passive enabling BUT no one promised a therapeutic site, sadly. I have long questioned the posts allowance by any poster because of the potential for harm and hurt. My argument that Dr. Bob, as the owner/adm, is not a part of this mission of support via peers was rejected. It was my best shot but alas....
Sometimes I cringe.....
Posted by Deneb on April 30, 2010, at 19:42:13
In reply to Re: Dr. Bob, I wish I didn't get upset when » Deneb, posted by janed on April 30, 2010, at 0:09:02
I still don't understand why my post was bad. :(
I just feel bad because others feel bad. I say sorry, without understanding what I said that was uncivil.
But I am very sorry I hurt you.
Posted by SLS on April 30, 2010, at 19:53:53
In reply to Dr. Bob, I wish I didn't get upset when, posted by Deneb on April 29, 2010, at 23:50:34
> Dr. Bob, I wish I didn't get upset when you talk to other Babblers and not me.
Do you have any sources of emotional or therapeutic support other than PB? I think it is good that you recognize and verbalize your feelings. I'm just not sure that it is productive for you to do it here. I don't think that it is necessarily damaging, but I am not sure that you will progress and grow without being able to interact with, and confide in, a third party. Is it possible that you are actually reinforcing your compulsions by posting in this manner?
I like you, and I hope for you the best.
- Scott
Posted by Deneb on April 30, 2010, at 20:06:41
In reply to Re: Dr. Bob, I wish I didn't get upset when » Deneb, posted by SLS on April 30, 2010, at 19:53:53
I don't have any other sources of support or anyone else I can talk to. :(
Babble is all I have.
Deneb
Posted by SLS on April 30, 2010, at 20:18:49
In reply to Re: Dr. Bob, I wish I didn't get upset when » Deneb, posted by SLS on April 30, 2010, at 19:53:53
> > Dr. Bob, I wish I didn't get upset when you talk to other Babblers and not me.
>
> Do you have any sources of emotional or therapeutic support other than PB? I think it is good that you recognize and verbalize your feelings. I'm just not sure that it is productive for you to do it here. I don't think that it is necessarily damaging, but I am not sure that you will progress and grow without being able to interact with, and confide in, a third party. Is it possible that you are actually reinforcing your compulsions by posting in this manner?
>
> I like you, and I hope for you the best.
I should add that your posts are ok with me. I was just reacting to the discomfort you described yourself as experiencing.
- Scott
Posted by SLS on April 30, 2010, at 20:21:50
In reply to Re: Dr. Bob, I wish I didn't get upset when » SLS, posted by Deneb on April 30, 2010, at 20:06:41
> I don't have any other sources of support or anyone else I can talk to. :(
>
> Babble is all I have.
I completely understand this because I have been in the same position myself.
- Scott
Posted by obsidian on May 1, 2010, at 9:12:58
In reply to Re: Dr. Bob, I wish I didn't get upset when, posted by Deneb on April 30, 2010, at 19:42:13
> I still don't understand why my post was bad. :(
>
> I just feel bad because others feel bad. I say sorry, without understanding what I said that was uncivil.
>
> But I am very sorry I hurt you.
>
>
Deneb,
I don't think you "hurt" anyone, and I think you are great. It's just that sometimes people might worry that your strong focus on Dr. Bob is precluding you from having other, more satisfying relationships. I think Dr. Bob is a lot to you. He certainly becomes a lot of things to different people. It's normal to want someone to care about you, to care about someone else, but you know there are limits to what you can get here.
It's sad sometimes you know...to realize that you can't get what you want from people who are important to you...and that's a commentary in general about life, that of course will carry over here. You must know that often what we do is bring our life experiences here and that often affects our expectations, fears, wants, etc. I hope that you have had someone (an authority or parental figure?) who knows how important you are, and who you have experienced as present and caring.
always wishing you the best,
sid
Posted by BayLeaf on May 1, 2010, at 13:32:39
In reply to Re: Dr. Bob, I wish I didn't get upset when » SLS, posted by Deneb on April 30, 2010, at 20:06:41
Have you ever checked out meetup.com or similar sites? I've met some great people that way who have similar interests to myself. There are groups for people who garden, work out, knit, enjoy movies together, read books, play online games, you name it. They meet online and then, as a group, in person at some restaurant/bar/coffee shop, etc. It can be lots of fun....even for a nervous chick since we have at least one thing in common to talk about already. People of all ages meet up and make new friends.
bay
Posted by Phillipa on May 2, 2010, at 11:06:04
In reply to Re: Dr. Bob, I wish I didn't get upset when » SLS, posted by Deneb on April 30, 2010, at 20:06:41
Deneb are you on facebook different people and so many love the interractions on the net? Phillipa
Posted by Dr. Bob on May 4, 2010, at 12:07:00
In reply to Re: Dr. Bob, I wish I didn't get upset when » Deneb, posted by obsidian on May 1, 2010, at 9:12:58
> Dr. Bob, I wish I didn't get upset when you talk to other Babblers and not me.
>
> I just hurt a lot when that happens.
>
> DenebDeneb, thanks for sharing your feelings. I think this might be an important issue for the community.
> I think Dr. Bob is a lot to you. He certainly becomes a lot of things to different people. It's normal to want someone to care about you, to care about someone else, but you know there are limits to what you can get here.
>
> obsidianIs there anybody else who'd feel comfortable admitting that they'd like me to talk to and care about them?
Bob
Posted by obsidian on May 4, 2010, at 22:56:14
In reply to Re: talking to Babblers, posted by Dr. Bob on May 4, 2010, at 12:07:00
> > Dr. Bob, I wish I didn't get upset when you talk to other Babblers and not me.
> >
> > I just hurt a lot when that happens.
> >
> > Deneb
>
> Deneb, thanks for sharing your feelings. I think this might be an important issue for the community.
>
> > I think Dr. Bob is a lot to you. He certainly becomes a lot of things to different people. It's normal to want someone to care about you, to care about someone else, but you know there are limits to what you can get here.
> >
> > obsidian
>
> Is there anybody else who'd feel comfortable admitting that they'd like me to talk to and care about them?
>
> BobI'd like to think you care about "us", the individual "me" is a bit uncomfortable.
I believe you do care about us.
It's funny you know..the way this sort of thing works....the way that prophecies or expectations become realities.
It's something that I try to work with.I realized it when I was young, and life really sucked...that I had to entertain the idea that other people could be just other people, with their own concerns, oblivious to me, despite all the feelings I was having. It didn't mean (and doesn't mean) that I don't still feelings about other people's motives and how they relate to me, but I learned to question myself constantly...it was a bit obsessive, but it served it's purpose ;-). Thankfully, I'm far less obsessive now.
The thing about it was that it was a terribly lonely feeling to know this.
Posted by glydin2010 on May 5, 2010, at 6:15:07
In reply to Re: talking to Babblers, posted by Dr. Bob on May 4, 2010, at 12:07:00
> Is there anybody else who'd feel comfortable admitting that they'd like me to talk to and care about them?
>
> Bob~~~ For me, talking only on an adm. level and caring on a big picture of the community level. I am okay with that.... I don't need talk about how your colonoscopy went or what beer you had with dinner. Talk versus Listening....? well, there's another subject ;)
You have set this site so as you don't have personal interactions to any large degree. I would like to see it remain that way.
Posted by Free on May 5, 2010, at 15:18:16
In reply to Re: talking to Babblers, posted by Dr. Bob on May 4, 2010, at 12:07:00
> Is there anybody else who'd feel comfortable admitting that they'd like me to talk to and care about them?
>
> BobHello Dr.Bob,
Sure, I'll admit that I would like it if you cared about me and talked to me. And why not, it feels good to be cared about, and the more the merrier the way I see it. You are a unique puzzle for sure, so yeah, it's interesting for me to see you open up at times. Please feel free to care and talk to me anytime for any reason if you're so inclined ~~ smiles.
I'll also admit that I have come to care about you(well, under the context of forum dynamics) even though we don't see eye to eye on "things" most of the time. It seems you have grown on me over the years with your mysterious and maddening ways (don't pbc me, I say this with an affectionate tone:)).
And while I'm in a good mood, I'd like to congratulate you on the NY Times article. I wouldn't mind being called "a brilliant and reticent Web mastermind" myself. Well done, Bob. Good for you!
Posted by Deneb on May 5, 2010, at 16:07:37
In reply to Re: talking to Babblers » Dr. Bob, posted by Free on May 5, 2010, at 15:18:16
Yay! I'm not alone!
:-)
I hope Dr. Bob talks to you too!
Deneb
Posted by Dr. Bob on May 5, 2010, at 21:31:33
In reply to Re: talking to Babblers » Free, posted by Deneb on May 5, 2010, at 16:07:37
> I'd like to think you care about "us", the individual "me" is a bit uncomfortable.
> I believe you do care about us.
>
> obsidian> For me, talking only on an adm. level and caring on a big picture of the community level. I am okay with that....
>
> glydin2010> Sure, I'll admit that I would like it if you cared about me and talked to me. And why not, it feels good to be cared about, and the more the merrier the way I see it. You are a unique puzzle for sure, so yeah, it's interesting for me to see you open up at times. Please feel free to care and talk to me anytime for any reason if you're so inclined ~~ smiles.
>
> Free> Yay! I'm not alone!
>
> :-)
>
> DenebThanks for supporting Deneb by showing her she's not alone! :-)
--
> It's funny you know..the way this sort of thing works....the way that prophecies or expectations become realities.
> It's something that I try to work with.
>
> I realized it when I was young, and life really sucked...that I had to entertain the idea that other people could be just other people, with their own concerns, oblivious to me, despite all the feelings I was having. It didn't mean (and doesn't mean) that I don't still feelings about other people's motives and how they relate to me, but I learned to question myself constantly...
>
> obsidianHmm, how might that look applied to expectations of me or feelings about my motives?
--
> I'll also admit that I have come to care about you(well, under the context of forum dynamics) even though we don't see eye to eye on "things" most of the time. It seems you have grown on me over the years with your mysterious and maddening ways (don't pbc me, I say this with an affectionate tone:)).
>
> And while I'm in a good mood, I'd like to congratulate you on the NY Times article. I wouldn't mind being called "a brilliant and reticent Web mastermind" myself. Well done, Bob. Good for you!
>
> FreeThanks! It wouldn't be civil of me to refer to anyone as maddening, but I do also care about those who I don't see eye to eye with. :-)
Bob
Posted by obsidian on May 5, 2010, at 22:51:29
In reply to Re: caring about each other, posted by Dr. Bob on May 5, 2010, at 21:31:33
> > It's funny you know..the way this sort of thing works....the way that prophecies or expectations become realities.
> > It's something that I try to work with.
> >
> > I realized it when I was young, and life really sucked...that I had to entertain the idea that other people could be just other people, with their own concerns, oblivious to me, despite all the feelings I was having. It didn't mean (and doesn't mean) that I don't still feelings about other people's motives and how they relate to me, but I learned to question myself constantly...
> >
> > obsidian
>
> Hmm, how might that look applied to expectations of me or feelings about my motives?It means I try not to be blind about how my feelings (from the past) might influence my perceptions, so I am therefore a little more "in control".
ummmm...I don't know, hard question.
You are a person, apart from me.
I don't have a lot of expectations of you Dr. Bob that relate to me personally.
I know you're a psychiatrist, interested in the internet and it's relevance to issues of mental health, so I suppose you are curious, like to learn, like research, all that, are comfortable to a certain degree with strong emotions and opinions thrown your way, but I imagine you have a sincere desire to help people. I think that's cool.
I don't expect you to be familiar with me at all, but sometimes I hope that you do know me, in general, a piece of who I am, because I've been hanging around this place for so damn long.
Posted by Dr. Bob on May 6, 2010, at 0:04:19
In reply to Re: caring about each other » Dr. Bob, posted by obsidian on May 5, 2010, at 22:51:29
> > > It's funny you know..the way this sort of thing works....the way that prophecies or expectations become realities.
> > > It's something that I try to work with.
> > >
> > > I learned to question myself constantly...
> >
> > Hmm, how might that look applied to expectations of me or feelings about my motives?
>
> ummmm...I don't know, hard question.Thanks for replying. Sorry about not being very clear!
I was wondering if you (or anybody else) could think of an example (or two) of how a hypothetical poster's prophecies or expectations about me might become realities if they didn't question themselves?
Bob
Posted by Dinah on May 6, 2010, at 8:51:25
In reply to Re: caring about each other, posted by Dr. Bob on May 6, 2010, at 0:04:19
Is this what you mean?
Poster X might feel that you are insensitive and provocative. Either because of interpretations of your previous behaviors, or expectations of authority figures in general, or because you remind them of someone in their life. So when you post one of your one liners, or are away from Babble for a while, they assume that your silence or words are intended to provoke or are evidence of your total lack of caring. Their responses towards you could reflect those expectations and if they are uncivil or attacking, could you end up blocking or acting in such a way that confirms their suspicions. They think you will hurt them and act accordingly leading you to respond in ways that could reasonably cause them to feel hurt. Thus their expectations and resulting behavior could change the actual outcome in terms of blocks and PBC's as well as the perceived reality in terms of your attitudes and intentions.
Poster Y could have had different beliefs and expectations about you or authority figures in general. They might consider your one liners to be evidence of your wit and of a detached interest, and your absences to be caused by busyness. They might appreciate that even though you are so busy, you take time for Babble. They might respond on those assumptions, which would in turn likely make you feel more positive about them and possibly about Babble in general (since most people prefer to be greeted with smiles and good will than with anger and rudeness). Thus their expectations and resulting behavior could change the actual reality as well as the perceived reality.
Poster Z... Well, this one is tough, considering the original topic of the thread... I'll have to use my therapist as an example. When I felt very insecure about my therapist I tended to cling and to ask for reassurances. I intended to interpret things as meaning he didn't care about me. I wanted to feel like a Jessica to him, and was upset that I didn't. Geesh, this one is tough for me which probably says a lot about me. It's a good idea to question my assumptions and recognize that this or that experience didn't have anything to do with whether or not he cared about me? And that given the realities of the therapeutic relationship he would never care for me like I might want, like a daughter, but that he almost certainly cared more for me than I feared. In accepting the limitations of the relationship, I can better appreciate the relationship I have. And, applied to Babble terms, anyone who wants to be special to you might feel frustrated, but that in some ways posters are special to you, and you do care about them. There has been plenty of evidence of that as well.
So that Poster X might want to question whether your intent towards them is harmful or if whether their expectations of your actions and their interpretations of your intent lead them to actions that bring about the result they fear.
And Poster Y might want to consider that you are not endlessly patient, that you are human like everyone else with strengths and faults like anyone else. (Though honestly, Poster Y seems to have a better outcome, unless they then become disappointed and bitter because you can't live up to their expectations. Why would Poster Y be better off changing?)
And Poster Z might be better off recognizing the severe limitations of your role here, along with the many evidences of your caring about Babble in general and Babblers in particular. And that no matter how administrative the role, the relationship with each Babbler is bound to be different - particularly with Babblers who frequent Admin or have been around a long time. And that those individual relationships, however limited, are special in their own way and the Babblers are special to you in their own way. And it's entirely possible for you to (limited) special relationships with individual Babblers without those having anything do do with the relationships with other Babblers. That no one who wants a relationship with you will be very satisfied on Babble, but that what relationship they do have with you is unique to you and the poster based on what interactions you do have. Like a teacher.
Ok, I fall down on Poster Z, because that one touches more on my own issues.
Is that what you were looking for?
If it is, might it be your turn to own your share of interactions?
If not, I apologize.
Posted by TherapyGirl on May 6, 2010, at 15:12:26
In reply to Re: caring about each other » Dr. Bob, posted by Dinah on May 6, 2010, at 8:51:25
I'm not sure I've ever posted on Admin before, but Dinah you continue to amaze me with your ability to articulate difficult, complicated subjects and imagine how different people might view the same situation (or person) completely differently. I could not have done this in a million years.
And Dr. Bob, I don't think that you've ever "spoken" to me and that's just fine. I prefer to fly under the radar, LOL, but I do appreciate having this space.
Posted by muffled on May 6, 2010, at 16:06:05
In reply to Re: caring about each other, posted by Dr. Bob on May 5, 2010, at 21:31:33
"Thanks! It wouldn't be civil of me to refer to anyone as maddening, but I do also care about those who I don't see eye to eye with. :-)
Bob"
You said it w/o ACTUALLY saying it....ROFL.
Now THAT is slick.
You da man.
You playin it.
Having fun yet?
Must be or you wouldn't post, you'd just disappear.
Cuz thats what you do.
Or mebbe you just ever the curious scientist.
Maybe both.
"Caring"....thats a dicey word Bob....
tho perhaps fluffy and empty enuf to not really mean a whole lot.
I can care, but it doesn't mean I make any changes to suit anything but my own beleifs.
Tho 'caring' would IMPLY otherwise. It does not.
I beleive what I SEE. How people ACT.
Not empty words.
I don't mean to personally diss you Bob.
Just I don't like to see you hurting people.
:(
Btw FWIW, the geek stuff behind this site is a marvel. You may not understand people, but you sure are a whiz at computer stuff.
All is not lost.
Best wishes
M
Posted by free on May 6, 2010, at 18:31:11
In reply to Re: talking to Babblers » Free, posted by Deneb on May 5, 2010, at 16:07:37
> Yay! I'm not alone!
>
> :-)
>
> I hope Dr. Bob talks to you too!
>
> DenebGreat! Glad you're not feeling alone ~~smiles.
Posted by Deneb on May 6, 2010, at 19:29:36
In reply to Re: caring about each other » Dr. Bob, posted by Dinah on May 6, 2010, at 8:51:25
Thanks for explaining Dinah! You're so smart!
Dinah, I still don't understand why you felt/feel that way. Can you explain in chat? I want to make sure I don't do something like that again.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
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