Posted by Dinah on May 6, 2010, at 8:51:25
In reply to Re: caring about each other, posted by Dr. Bob on May 6, 2010, at 0:04:19
Is this what you mean?
Poster X might feel that you are insensitive and provocative. Either because of interpretations of your previous behaviors, or expectations of authority figures in general, or because you remind them of someone in their life. So when you post one of your one liners, or are away from Babble for a while, they assume that your silence or words are intended to provoke or are evidence of your total lack of caring. Their responses towards you could reflect those expectations and if they are uncivil or attacking, could you end up blocking or acting in such a way that confirms their suspicions. They think you will hurt them and act accordingly leading you to respond in ways that could reasonably cause them to feel hurt. Thus their expectations and resulting behavior could change the actual outcome in terms of blocks and PBC's as well as the perceived reality in terms of your attitudes and intentions.
Poster Y could have had different beliefs and expectations about you or authority figures in general. They might consider your one liners to be evidence of your wit and of a detached interest, and your absences to be caused by busyness. They might appreciate that even though you are so busy, you take time for Babble. They might respond on those assumptions, which would in turn likely make you feel more positive about them and possibly about Babble in general (since most people prefer to be greeted with smiles and good will than with anger and rudeness). Thus their expectations and resulting behavior could change the actual reality as well as the perceived reality.
Poster Z... Well, this one is tough, considering the original topic of the thread... I'll have to use my therapist as an example. When I felt very insecure about my therapist I tended to cling and to ask for reassurances. I intended to interpret things as meaning he didn't care about me. I wanted to feel like a Jessica to him, and was upset that I didn't. Geesh, this one is tough for me which probably says a lot about me. It's a good idea to question my assumptions and recognize that this or that experience didn't have anything to do with whether or not he cared about me? And that given the realities of the therapeutic relationship he would never care for me like I might want, like a daughter, but that he almost certainly cared more for me than I feared. In accepting the limitations of the relationship, I can better appreciate the relationship I have. And, applied to Babble terms, anyone who wants to be special to you might feel frustrated, but that in some ways posters are special to you, and you do care about them. There has been plenty of evidence of that as well.
So that Poster X might want to question whether your intent towards them is harmful or if whether their expectations of your actions and their interpretations of your intent lead them to actions that bring about the result they fear.
And Poster Y might want to consider that you are not endlessly patient, that you are human like everyone else with strengths and faults like anyone else. (Though honestly, Poster Y seems to have a better outcome, unless they then become disappointed and bitter because you can't live up to their expectations. Why would Poster Y be better off changing?)
And Poster Z might be better off recognizing the severe limitations of your role here, along with the many evidences of your caring about Babble in general and Babblers in particular. And that no matter how administrative the role, the relationship with each Babbler is bound to be different - particularly with Babblers who frequent Admin or have been around a long time. And that those individual relationships, however limited, are special in their own way and the Babblers are special to you in their own way. And it's entirely possible for you to (limited) special relationships with individual Babblers without those having anything do do with the relationships with other Babblers. That no one who wants a relationship with you will be very satisfied on Babble, but that what relationship they do have with you is unique to you and the poster based on what interactions you do have. Like a teacher.
Ok, I fall down on Poster Z, because that one touches more on my own issues.
Is that what you were looking for?
If it is, might it be your turn to own your share of interactions?
If not, I apologize.
poster:Dinah
thread:945672
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20100321/msgs/946538.html