![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 77 to 101 of 495. Go back in thread:
Posted by alexandra_k on March 28, 2014, at 17:36:17
In reply to Re: increasing sensitivity, posted by alexandra_k on March 27, 2014, at 21:35:09
and i don't know why anybody would expect chemistry people... or bioscience people... to know how to teach. i mean... i started out university with education and english literature and then picked up psychology later... the value of getting all your english literature reading done over the summer prior to class should be obvious to anybody who thinks upon it...
now i'm remembering stuff i read something, something about the number of repetitions a person needs for retention. how the average is... i forget. four or six or something like that... how some 'gifted people' only need hear things once or twice... how others need... many many more repetitions than that... etc.
thinking back to school... the teacher would explain the same thing over and over and over and over and over. and really... probably half the class didn't get it the first time. something distracted them. some kid next to them was fiddling or there was this banging outside or they couldn't see because the piller was in the way or the kid in front was bobbing about... maybe they were hungry or sleepy or... and so on...
i never really worked at high school... but actually, i was placed in the year 13 calculus class for math... it was supposed to be punishment for me. because my current maths teacher couldn't keep throwing me out of class and the calculus was what the head of department happened to have going on at the time... and i think about how they were working... much as we are working now in our chemistry tutorials. teacher would go through some stuff for a bit... then the students would work. and there was a little chatter... but not much. people were working through things individually together. a... fairly nice work environment...
and now i'm thinking about how the curriculum is cumulative... so much of it is repetition on the previous year. i'm thinking... the teacher goes through something then people do the problems and the teacher probably goes through that very same thing again for people who don't feel they get it (and the others overhear that while going about their work). even if you don't get much in the way of homework done... you get lots of repetition of the content just by going to class...
and now i'm thinking that people have 2 years of chemistry in high school. and actually a bit before that there is a bit before that. then they get to university... and much of it is repetition. so they can just turn up to the lectures without having done any preperation whatsoever... they can have their half filled in course notes (that they can probably fill mostly in from memory before the lecture even starts)... they can half heartedly listen to the lecture and half heartedly jot down what they already know... probably while simultaneously wondering where they are going to meet their friends for lunch... for much of the semester.
and so the party line is 'you don't have a hope in hell of doing well in the course if you don't have the solid school foundation behind you'. but... if they gave me the lecture notes prior to class... i could do a focused read of them... and i can focus good... then quickly go through them again in the 5 minutes before class while most people are yapping about to their neighbours about sh*t... and then... well, now the playing field is a lot more level when it comes to following along what the lecture is saying in class...
i think the lecturers have mostly been spoiled by being sent heaps of really well prepared students. so... they don't know how to teach. they don't need to know how to teach. they don't actually teach. it is just a... culling year. it gets rid of a bunch of the high achievers from high school who basically get lost in the alcohol / drug / sex haze they find their way into in first year...
they think it is about... the content being particularly fast or hard or whatever... i don't think it is about that... i think it is about their teaching / learning methods not being as efficient as they could be. i wonder what the med curriculum is like? most everyone says the amount of information is overwhelming... i couldn't find a lecture schedule... people say it is more like high school because you are with the same bunch of kids for everything all day everyday...
i think... they keep the teaching style like high school (fill in worksheets during lectures) because... the kids doing the best are the kids who worked like that... because they are in the position of hearing it for the 4th or 5th or 8th time... whereas people like me... hear it for the very first time. and then people think i'm dumb or disabled that i can't listen to you talk about stuff that is alien to me while simultaneously drawing branching alkanes with f*ck knows how many methyl groups...
pre-reading? sigh. i'm not entirely sure what to do. i want... i know that people update ppts a bit on the fly... but... the weekend. i need the opportunity to read them in advance of the lectures. everyone would do better working that way (then the content is novel) but... you can't rely on student feedback... its like asking us how best to moderate babble ha... going about this the right way seems important. with the right... manner. not getting people upset. not having them feel criticised. i don't know how to go about this appropriately. :( i don't believe this is a disability issue :( i need full notes to have any chance next year...
if they want to give people a chance who didn't get to go to the best high schools or who didn't work the best in high school (if they really want to make the playing field level as much as they can) then doing things like providing the lecture notes before hand... makes it a little more possible for people like me to play keeping-up.
otherwise... its just about whose parents were rich enough to send them to the better schools with the less dumb teachers with the smaller class sizes with the kids who are eating better so more well rested and alert and less fiddly... its just about those doing well keeping on... and everybody else was just f*ck*d over from the start, really :(
its like... how the maths people... i got tested for the foundations program and... they woudln't tell me how i did - but i think i did quite badly. and the maths lady said something about how the questions were designed to test mathematical ability and not mathematical knowledge. so, for example, there was this one with boxes and shapes in them... then numbers outside the box. and you were supposed to assign a number value to the shapes. she seemed to think that that was a test of mathematical ability and not mathematical knowledge...
i explained to her... that i assumed the idea was that each row / column would (with some function, i was going with 'plus' applied to them) produce the number outside the box. i was assuming the rule of the game was that each number was to be a positive whole number. i had the mathematical knowledge to know that 20 divided by 4 was 5 and thus four clubs in a row would mean that each club was worth 5... but i couldn't figure a consistent assignment of values for the other shapes that had ALL the rows / columns add up. because i wasn't able to work very well with those other numbers, obviously.
i explained to her... that the triangles with numbers in the 3 corners and a number in the middle... was something i'd never seen before. there were four of them in a row and so i thought there was going to be some function or pattern or progression from the number in the top corner... from left to right across the page... and the bottom left corner... and so on... but later google told me the idea was to multiply the corners and put the product in the middle. i said i didn't see that because i was still learning my times tables so that pattern didn't have visual pop-out for me. that i was looking for sequential pattern along the shapes... not pattern within them...
all this is supposed to be unalterable by teaching?
anyway... her point seemed to be that if i couldn't get most of the test right already then i couldn't do science math. i was like... so... you don't actually teach anybody anything. you just take the kids who can do it already and then give them a piece of paper at the end of the course for what they could do from the start? and she looked a bit sheepish. so... yes. i expect that that kind of is what they feel they are doing. because they don't know enough about learning to realise the value of what they do do... what they can do... what they could do... to actually teach.
i think that... to at least some of the science people... yeah. that is kind of how they feel about it.
like athletes, i suppose. they don't appreciate all the work (teachers working within the bounds of attention and retention and repetition etc) that went into those wonderful 'gifted' abilities that they believe simply to be 'natural'.
sigh.
maybe i'll have to go crawling back to psychology after all.
beyond that... things will be different because we will be in the same boat at least. i bet the reason why people say they feel overwhelmed by human bio in the second semester is because they didn't do human bio at school. so... how well do they do on first hearing? i wonder if prereading could bring up objective performance?
Posted by alexandra_k on March 28, 2014, at 21:03:53
In reply to Re: increasing sensitivity, posted by alexandra_k on March 28, 2014, at 17:36:17
it is their cunning plan to see who can separate what is important from what is not important.
perhaps...
my strategy will have to be...
to wait for the ppt to go up. then to work through it... then to listen to the lecture online.
if there is a technology breakdown (if someone doesn't get their lectures up quick smart and / or if the lecture fails to record properly) i'll be f*ck*d.
but...
i won't have to deal with the security b*llsh*t of trying to push myself a place in overstuffed lecture theatres at 8am 4 days per week. which will mean i'll be far less likely to get sick... i'll be a lot less likely to have outbursts at noisy fidgets... and it will be a much more efficient use of my time...
but...
it will put me a few days behind, at least...
hmm... what to do...
Posted by alexandra_k on March 29, 2014, at 22:54:34
In reply to Re: increasing sensitivity, posted by alexandra_k on March 26, 2014, at 20:02:04
> i'd be shocked (after a lot of work to be sure) to pull less than 90%...
did i really say that? i should have looked at those problems a bit harder... holy crap on a cracker...
Posted by alexandra_k on April 2, 2014, at 15:28:32
In reply to Re: increasing sensitivity, posted by alexandra_k on March 29, 2014, at 22:54:34
really enjoying chemistry... it is nice and systematic, which pleases me aesthetically. figuring out the functional groups and naming molecules is also nice and systematic. logic puzzl-y. he lecturer (who is also the convenor for org next year) is smart and entertaining and i can follow along her lines of reasoning reasonably well... i'm on a bit of a mission to try and get her powerpoints out of her *before* class... which is a bit tricky, actually. i've made my case properly, anyhow, and so... we will see what she decides. the issue is really that if she puts them up a bit earlier (so everyone can utilise them) most others probably won't... and so... it might be making a bit more work for her (depending on how soon she typically gets them done).
anyway...
need to figure how to similarly approach other lecturers about this before next year... i don't think i'll have the opportunity to get to know them this year... so that will be trickier. i can't simply ask. because if i do they simply say no. then they are psychologically committed to no... so... i need to try and construct my query such that they see that i am smart and i do work hard and this will be helpful to me (instead of their just writing me off)... anyway... people skills... ugh... i wonder if i can ask her advice on this?? good idea...
maybe i can make meth if everything else turns to sh*t. ahahaha. not likely given my labs. sigh.
there is this new class at the gym... strength and conditioning. they are marketing it as teaching people how to do olympic weightlifting. as a 'you don't have to train by yousrself' kind of a thing. in theory i'm all for more girls / people doing it. in practice... i'm very much opposed to other people taking up space / using my bar / wanting to chit chat to me when i'm trying to focus. i don't know how they are going to be taught... watching personal trainers get right up in behind people trying to squat or lifting stuff over their head doesn't get me feeling particularly enthusiastic (just what you need to be teaching people - to get in the bloody way while people are trying to lift). particularly... don't teach girls to use the squat racks properly (set up the safeties) instead get in close behind them with the intention of - what? grabbing at them if they start to fall / fail? making them feel like they can't squat with you up their *ss? ffs. gyms. ugh.
and of course the issue is more that people... simply don't think about things. guys tend to like squatting like that because... their squat gets progressively higher / they squat more weight that way. but this isn't powerlifting... we don't need a crowd of people around to mask squat depth and we don't need a crowd of people around to instantaneouly react should compression equipment tear and the person simply crumple... the bar can stay an arms length away from me so i know i'm safe... my biggest worry in the gym is trying not to f*ck*ng well hit you with it... which only makes it more likely i try and hold it close to me - and then things go badly if i don't psychologically feel i have the space to keep away from it...
anyway... if the gym starts to get crowded... i'll just have to go do something else. till people want to do that too... at which point i have to move again. why the f*ck, people?????
i'm okay. i'm mostly okay... but odd comments and bits and pieces, yeah... things nearly turned... and then they didn't. i think someone talked to someone... and persuaded them to leave me alone... i guess people are hypergregarious while they are trying to find their mates. or whatever it is that people do. people have funny ideas about meeting as many people as possible and imposing some ranking system they believe to be objective and pairing up with the 'highest ranking' individual they can...
the class i'm in... isn't quite university yet. that is part of the problem, i think. intellectual peers... not quite. will take years to find that again. possibly. whatever... my little friend is back. she was sick for a bit. she is pretty good, actually. capable of being quiet when the lecturer is speaking. also capable of listening / remembering. pleasant...
test on monday...
there... really aren't many people in the world like me. i forget that. amongst the choirs of 'oh yes i am just like you'... people really are full of it. i need to explore campus more. i've been sucked into the 'tourist traps'. apparently there are quieter spaces hidden away... for those who seek... i haven't been seeking because my home... but i need to try and find people like me. and get away from those too busy telling me they are... sigh.
not looking forward to a bunch of people wanting to do oly lifting because they want to be stared at... standing about yapping in their groups. a bunch of people who think they know everything about it... getting in the way... sigh.
probably i'm not being fair. someone forked out for really wonderful equipment so somebody knows... for reals... i just... like my own personal space. in case you never guessed.. and it is hard enough to get the bar from the row-boys already...
Posted by Partlycloudy on April 3, 2014, at 16:58:52
In reply to Re: increasing sensitivity, posted by alexandra_k on April 2, 2014, at 15:28:32
I am hoping it will all shake out for you. People enthusiastic on weight training getting their first pulled muscle and dropping out. Nothing is great initially, especially for people with particular needs. I only this week started speaking randomly with people who seemed receptive, purely for for the privacy they were enjoying at the same time.
Even gave a PTSD combat veteran a little hug as I reassured him that we all will get through it. Cried buckets after that one.
You do seem to find your comfort zone, and niche. I hope this is no more uncomfortable for you.
Posted by alexandra_k on April 3, 2014, at 22:55:47
In reply to Re: increasing sensitivity, posted by Partlycloudy on April 3, 2014, at 16:58:52
thanks for the well-wishes.
yeah, things will be okay. there are lots of things i can do in the gym...
i think i stand out a bit for people as... someone who is focused on what i am doing instead of being focused on other people. sometimes i get in the zone... and that seems catchy to others in a positive way.
i suppose i should feel flattered. really i just feel... uncomfortable. honestly... i don't know how to cope / deal with the attention. it just... flusters me. and i don't know what to do. i'm like a deer that is easily startled or something... need people to ignore me so i can settle...
i hear people make the odd remark around me (through my headphones). stuff like 'why doesn't she talk to me?' the thought being that... if someone does what i'm doing then i should talk to them / be their friend. i do understand on some level that people don't actually need me to stop what i'm doing or whatever... they only require some brief little acknowledgement.. an eyebrow raise. a smile. something. i just... can't seem to pull it off. i feel awkward... and scared.. and then.. hostile. i don't know.
:(
sigh.
i rediscovered the rower today. and snoop dogg... black and yellow...
Posted by alexandra_k on April 3, 2014, at 23:04:31
In reply to Re: increasing sensitivity, posted by Partlycloudy on April 3, 2014, at 16:58:52
the gym is really very important for my mood. for calming me. i think it is about the stimulation. tiring me out. comforting me. relaxing me.
if i go all the time i think about it a lot and crave it. if i don't ... if i'm focused on something else... then i forget about how good it makes me feel. then it is really hard to muster up the something to go... then i go and i'm like 'this feels so great! how can i forget!'
it really is well into autumn here... only it still feels all warm like summer. it never really will get cold here. there isn't really any seasonality. it is a bit weird. i find myself looking forward to a briskness in the air... that really won't kick in until the depths of june / july. not even frosts yet... memories from my childhood... magic mushies at first frost at easter weekend. lets see what the domain park will do...
i don't suspect we will have first frost at easter weekend...
goddamn i'd be happy to find some mushies, though.
i'm not entirely sure what to do about friends here... tis hard... i don't quite fit anywhere... phil grads... i suspect that is where i should mostly be... sigh.
my classes... are the remedial classes... sigh. not much hope for me... i don't know what to say... i think i was very lucky indeed to have found the bunch of friends i did when i switched to psychology last time.
what the stuff i've done before had in common: it wasn't offered before university level so it didn't assume anything. whereas now... the assumption (that seems to hold true for the other students) is that they actually have done this before (over and over) but they are the ones who need... another repetition.
my little friend is actually quite the little genius... given a bunch of stuff she has to cope with... a huge commute in... etc... not entirely sure how she found me... i don't know how she'll do... given how very much else she's got going on in her life... but i'm very glad she found me.
Posted by alexandra_k on April 3, 2014, at 23:18:33
In reply to Re: increasing sensitivity, posted by alexandra_k on April 3, 2014, at 23:04:31
i'm really enjoying chemistry. a lot. which is terrific. i expect the ante will get upped at some point along the way... but thus far i'm really enjoying it a great deal. it has a ... logic to it. as baseball said. a logic that i can appreciate. one that i find aesthetically pleasing.
i guess it is math, really. but math = logic (except for something about the set of all sets which are members of... which i don't so much understand...) but i'm reasonably good at logic puzzles... i get a kick out of stuff like that... so so long as we don't get too involved in numerals or doing stuff with them (requiring knowledge of times tables or whatever that still freaks me out even though i'm loads better at it)... then it's all good, really.
i think we have some of the more intensive math stuff after the break. stuff on calculating moles. etc. energy. rates of reaction. we'll see how i do. if they actually explain it (assuming no prior knowledge) (like they did for stats in psychology) then i'll be fine. i honestly do believe. if there is instead a lot of tut tut tutting that i can't do it all perfectly already (and no real teaching) then... well... i don't think that the chemistry people here are like that. i think that chemistry here... is actually pretty good at giving people with no background a chance to succeed... i think they are pretty good with doing that. i think the physics people try, too. but think that physics might be a bit harder because of the calculus that is required. ? i don't know. will see next semester, i guess. will ask how realistic it is to go from conceptual physics to doing well in physics for life science. or whether the math is too much of a jump... from no calculus... to calculus... apparently... physics for the life sciences isn't really continuing physics... it is 'baby physics'. for the life sciences people. ahaha. so they get a little bit about what the mri scanner is up to. etc. and i only need a B+ so maybe it is possible... i just... would like to understand physics. for reals. math, too. engineering.. cmoputer science.. why can't i live forever? it isn't fair.
test on monday. i have practice tests. which is great. can practice them to get a sense of time... so if some of the balancing equations turns out to be tricky i know roughly how much time i can afford before i need to move on and hope to come back... i think this will mostly be okay... rather a lot like logic... a few to really test... mostly fine... and a lot of gifts, of course. since you can't really fail people any more. they keep banging on about how EXPLANING is more important than answering... which is a gift for me, basically.
i... need to do well. i feel the pressure is on me in that respect... i need to do really very well. but i feel that this is within reach. so... knuckle down this weekend and wish me luck for monday.
Posted by alexandra_k on April 7, 2014, at 6:42:25
In reply to Re: increasing sensitivity, posted by alexandra_k on April 3, 2014, at 23:18:33
was okay.
i had forgotten... what it was like before. it is just like that again. i was just like: please don't let this be like a math test, please don't let this be like a math test... simply running out of time... like labs... where i feel like i'm moving along just as fast as i can all hands on deck and things simply aren't moving fast enough or progressing...
and it was okay. 60 minute test... got through it (with some asterisks to return) in 20 minutes. sweet. now i know... got back through it and was done with 15 minutes to spare. now i know... what kind of pace i can work at... it is manageable, yeah. i can tidy up my handwriting and all.
nothing 'oh my god i have no idea'. but... i guess i wouldn't be surprised if there were a bunch of mistakes... i'll be... happy if i pull an A-. Very happy with an A... I... wouldn't expect more than that. I bet I made a bunch of silly mistakes by blitzing through things so quickly...
I feel better prepared for how to approach test two... And then of course the even more important exam.
It is going to be okay.
Posted by alexandra_k on April 8, 2014, at 6:06:12
In reply to Re: test, posted by alexandra_k on April 7, 2014, at 6:42:25
so i found the textbook for next year... again...
it is readable now. and i... know most of it (from the first 'revision' chapter) at least. and there are... beautiful ball and stick diagrams and electronegativity pictures and great use of color and... it is very clear and wonderful. and it is... the same content that she took us through. so... things are coming together.
i like molecules. the things the atoms do with trying to get away from each other so spreading out to their shapes... it is wonderful. people should do that. i've been sayin'. why don't people do that? it would be better if people did that. instead of clumping... dispersing for the greater harmony... balanced polarity... whatever. i like molecules. maybe i do have a chance next year.
Posted by alexandra_k on April 9, 2014, at 4:15:54
In reply to Re: test, posted by alexandra_k on April 8, 2014, at 6:06:12
well, i did better on the test than i hoped. which is terrific. since it is the scare the living bejesus out of everyone so they actually study during study break - test.
:)
the upper quartile was a B+... i wonder how they do the breakdown on OY1...
Posted by Dr. Bob on April 10, 2014, at 1:38:53
In reply to Re: test, posted by alexandra_k on April 9, 2014, at 4:15:54
Posted by Angela2 on April 10, 2014, at 17:51:57
In reply to Re: test, posted by alexandra_k on April 9, 2014, at 4:15:54
Woot! Go Alex, *doing the Cabbage patch for you.*
Posted by alexandra_k on April 10, 2014, at 23:38:54
In reply to Re: test, posted by Angela2 on April 10, 2014, at 17:51:57
> Woot! Go Alex, *doing the Cabbage patch for you.*
well, I'm not entirely sure what the Cabbage patch is... But thanks :)
Posted by alexandra_k on April 10, 2014, at 23:59:01
In reply to Re: test » Angela2, posted by alexandra_k on April 10, 2014, at 23:38:54
so: i'm really (really really really really) glad that i didn't do bio-med this year... that i sucked it up and took this year as foundational... to do foundational things... because while i truly tried my best to get a bunch of things sorted over the summer (e.g., getting printing services up and running etc)... things simply weren't at the state they needed to be in order for me to focus appropriately.
i do think that a lot of that year is about culling people who don't manage to focus appropriately. it is a fairly brutal year, actually. the very first test (just before break) is crucial... they don't give people a 'practice test' with a non-essential class, or anything... if you don't get some variety of A on that then... you are screwed... basically... so... this is typically when people's blogs start talking about 'work-life balance' and 'the importance of joining clubs'.
doing how well i've done in the class i'm currently enrolled in is... at the risk of being totally insensitive... a little like being the smartest kid in special school. which is to say... it is totally necessary and nowhere near close to sufficient for my doing well enough next year. if it helps any i'm seeing that i'm potentially miles ahead -- in certain respects. but that certain other respects... uh... floor me. totally.
e.g.,
today: it finally clicked to me for the very first time...
i had a bit of a spazz before about how they give us these 'lecture shell' notes (that we purchase as a book at the start of the semester) with... the crucial bits removed. that we must fill in during the lecture. the powerpoint notes are complete, however (with respect to the Most Important or Crucial Bits to Be Learned). But... They don't put those up until well after the lecture. They have all this crap about how these half filled in shells are the 'most effective way of teaching' and when I queried that they said 'student evaluations show students like them'. I was like: If you want to know how to effectively teach how about paying a little visit to cognitive psychology. The more exposure students have to condensed versions of crucial information... The more likely they will be to recall it accurately, basically. Something kinda sorta like that.
Anyhow... It kinda sorta just occurred to me during todays lecture: Forget psychology. Think English Lit. You, uh, write down every word. Well... Not quite. You develop your own shorthand... But you get all the Important Things. You listen... And you are the medium for your hand... And the lecturer speaks through you... Or what the f*ck ever. And, uh, well, it just occurred to me that med school is probably going ot be more like that. They aren't going to be so focused on their teaching. Probably not the good ones. Listen up and follow along or... F*ck off and die... Or whatever. You get the spirit. It is bound to be more like that.
So, uh, handwriting be damned. Of course. Anyway... I saw him smile today when my pen got busy. the rest of the class is still on the 'oh that meaningful pause is a cue for me to copy that sentence into my lecture shell' stage... They run things more like English f*ck*ng Lit (no f*ck*ng notes. write your own or f*ck off and die). the shell thing is just... them being sorta nice. Who woulda thunk????
Heh.
Next year is gonna be fun.
ooooh. in other news. i need to learn to draw. 3-d representations of molecules... structural arrangements. etc. my pen was floored: not good enough.
mid-semester study break is now. drawing. huh. whoda thunk?
Posted by alexandra_k on April 11, 2014, at 18:31:43
In reply to Re: figuring things out..., posted by alexandra_k on April 10, 2014, at 23:59:01
so it turns out i do need to take that maths class that i tried to take last summer. as appropriate preparation for physics next year. also as appropriate preparation for some of the later year chemistry papers (should i choose to keep going with that), i see. so...
guess i add it to next semester and see how things go... worst case... uh... withdraw... or fail... then take it again over the summer...
i only went to the first 4 lectures (2 weeks worth of class on a regular semester schedule)... but it was all new... pythagoras theorum and railroad track expansion... i couldn't do any of it... the course goes through linear functions... up to integration and differentiation... maybe i will try again. maybe it will make a bit more sense now... i don't quite know what to say.
the science advice centre... is fairly useless. they just tut tut tut and shake their heads. but they thought i wouldn't have a hope in the chem class i'm currently in, either, so... what's that worth? i don't entirely know what to say...
i guess i have to. if i can't pull a good grade it in then:
i'll have to switch out of bio-med next year. do the health science pathway instead (social science crappy fillers instead of - what is supposed to be - physics crappy fillers (yay, mostly last year high school physics and biology all over again). they are meant to be the load-lightening papers for the mathematically vs. verbally inclined...
i don't suppose it matters.
everybody has to do the chemistry... but i don't actually have to do the physics... but if i don't do the physics i don't get to take their other crappy filler of evolutionary biology and genetics :( i was looking forward to that :( and i sure as sh*t don't want to continue with a bachelor of health science degree if i don't get into med.
Posted by alexandra_k on April 20, 2014, at 17:53:53
In reply to Re: figuring things out..., posted by alexandra_k on April 11, 2014, at 18:31:43
mother.
spent about 40 minutes talking to her on the phone. brought back a lot of memories. how her anxiety is expected (by her) to rule everything (especially me). other people are... her mechanism of emotional regulation. the only one she's prepared to look at.
e.g., she'll say this stuff about how she's so anxious she gets stuck into her hands in the evenings. tearing at the skin / nails with her teeth. which she does. which i also used to do. as a kid. i suggested she do something like knitting and she was like 'no'. like there is this anxiety demon in her and all there is to be done is for her to succumb to it and let it tear her hands apart in the evening.
unless of course good kid wants to be good kid and come snuggle up in bed with mother regulating her emotions into a state of calmness...
shudder.
get the hell out of me.
she doesn't want to travel up here... but she really (really really really really really really) wants to see where i live. after talking to her i can just imagine it... her walking around opening drawers to rummage her fingers through. sure she'll ferrett out my tampon box and have a good feel around in there... she simply cannot / will not take the signals to back off.
sometimes she sees them. when i did visit her and we went out shopping and she was ooing and aahing about how luxurious the public bathroom was. i was visibly embarrassed since everyone was staring at her. here's the thing: when she notices the embarrassement she pushes still further. like with her hands, i guess, when the skin starts to tear and the pain starts and the blood starts... you kind of get excited about it all, that's what it is about really, now's when the fun really starts. the fun really starting was always: her upsetting me. i'm upset. now she's excited. victorious. what will alex do? right from when i was a kid ffs. ffs. ffs.. bitch. i hate her so.
it isn't anywhere near so bad now i'm older and so is she. people probably just imagine i'm a carer for some demented woman. in fact... i can see it in their faces. that that is their response. it isn't like they are other 10 year old kids. or 12 years old... or the stepford wife-y other mothers who were sure to keep themselves / and their kids the hell away from her/me. they didn't assume that when i was a child.
i was like 'it's a public bathroom, mother. most people are concerned to get out of them as soon as possible'. and she looks at me with big eyes and pretend stupidity 'why?' waiting for me to have to say something in public that nobody likes to say. all ready to fill her drink bottle from the warm tap in the handwasing basin (there are plenty of cold fountains round the rest of the mall). 'because you don't know what people have been doing in here, mother, and there is an awful lot of through traffic'. victory.
she's not coming to where i live. never. she'll ruin it.
i really don't like her at all.
Posted by alexandra_k on April 20, 2014, at 18:02:48
In reply to Re: thought i was over it... but not, posted by alexandra_k on April 20, 2014, at 17:53:53
very small bursts. and a 40 minute phone conversation has taken it out of me... i've had my quota... for at least the next 6 months...
she'll try and induce the guilts, of course.
i'll just drop her an email that i actually feel i'm best to focus on my studies right now, but we had that long phone chat.
then i'll stop the email forwarding i've got set up. and she has no other way of contacting me. i make sure that is the case, always.
she never will understand.
i'm not entirely sure about this autistic spectrum thing.. she's pretty definately got significant problems with emotion regulation. my biggest problems with emotion regulation came from my being expected to regulate her's when i didn't have a healthy model to figure out my own...
time and space away from her... and i have come over the years to have a reasonable grip on my own. and (i think) a fairly sophisticated understanding of them (compared to the general public) due to the reading etc i've done...
when i've got proper space / defences set up so i have distance from her then i can feel some sort of empathy for her... i remember what it was like to feel like there is this horrible emotion demon inside of one that one has no power or control over.
only trouble was... for me... it's name was mother. and getting way... i got away.
but her's... lives inside her still. doesn't show any signs of letting up (she's 80 something now). she isn't any happier or calmer or... anything really, than how she used to be.
i need to keep my distance / guard up, for sure.
i wonder if i would have grown up healthier (mentally) if i'd have had a more normal mother. perhaps someone... a bit dimmer... who doesn't really get excited about much. my sister is like that. she gets on much better with mum. the guilt trip induction doesn't get to her. so much can roll of her back. she's fairly happy. fairly content. happy smily person. a mother like that... who knows what would have become of me...
Posted by alexandra_k on April 20, 2014, at 18:26:20
In reply to Re: thought i was over it... but not, posted by alexandra_k on April 20, 2014, at 18:02:48
So... Things really are getting a lot more math-sy...
I think... The key is for me to think of it like having a map (or not).
A lot of (especially graduate students) used to express amazement at how some of the senior professors could (appear to) doze throughout much of seminars then magically wake themselves up for the 4 or 5 minute crucial bit then ask the most penetrating of questions during the question time...
I thought of it is as their having a map of the terrain already. Say it is a talk on representation in philosophy of mind... They have a working knowledge of the main issues, the 3 main positions on this, that, and this other issue. They have a working knowledge of the virtues / vices of those positions and how they play. They have a working knowledge of different moves that people have made to try and keep the virtues and eliminate the vices and they have already worked through the ramifications of various of the effects...
So when they hear a supposedly 'novel' talk it doesn't require much cognitive effort for them to... Locate things... On the landscape. And hone in on the particular idiosyncratic features of the particular talk -- and engage with those.
As for the rest of us... Well... When everything is new... The whole thing can seem a bit overwhelming.
It comes with time... And a hell of a lot of hard work, too, of course. Thinking about the many hours I spent pouring over XX's book 'here's a term, let me define it thus, here's another, so defined etc etc etc NOW!! look what we can do!!' and then the theory rolls out...
Of course... He was trying to emulate physics. Or at least... Physics does that too. But physics has math instead of logic... So we have... Equations. And equations freak me the hell out. Because they are novel and new. And I don't know how to read them. And I have no practice getting my head around them...
Just the simplest ones of the form a=b/c
Freaks me out.e.g., density = mass / volume
or whatever. then blah blah blah about cross multiplying and things were awful confusing... Then someone showed me this little triangle thing and you put them in there and you multiply across to get the one on top and you divide the one on top by either of the bottom two to get out the other ahahaha.
I think I'm mostly worried because... I stare and stare and things don't make sense. And I'm not entirely sure what to do... And asking for help is problematic. There is heaps of extra help offered on campus... By second years who have done a second year course in 'how to tutor maths'. And they don't know the 'why's' or whatever that I need... I... I don't know.
I guess I just do my best and have some hope / faith that things are so hard now because I'm just developing an outline of the terrain. Things will get easier down the track as I'm slotting things in.
Thinking back.. Some of the chemistry stuff I'm finding the easiest / feeling most comfortable now is the stuff that was causing me severe headaches at the start when it was all new. I remember being amazed at... Boiling and Melting... I never really thought about them... ANyway... Whatever... It is going to be okay.
Unit conversions.
ffs.
:(
Posted by SLS on April 21, 2014, at 6:11:39
In reply to Re: thought i was over it... but not, posted by alexandra_k on April 20, 2014, at 18:26:20
It is okay not to like your mother. No guilt. You may find that you love her in spite of your dislike of her behaviors. I know this from personal experience. Of course, there might be strategies for honest communication that will disarm her. If or until that happens, you might try to disarm her in your mind and stop giving her so much power. You might very well need to consider her to be a child for her lack of personal growth. I sometimes feel sad for my mother that she should have a life of emotional limitations and how that has prevented her from having a more fulfilling experience. The child becomes the parent.
I'm sorry about the math thing. You'll get it. Don't quit and don't see math equations as being a monster that you will never overcome. Math is indeed logical.
Take one task at a time, and temporarily compartmentalize the rest.
Good luck.
- Scott
Posted by alexandra_k on April 21, 2014, at 17:15:33
In reply to Re: thought i was over it... but not » alexandra_k, posted by SLS on April 21, 2014, at 6:11:39
Thanks Scott.
I really don't like her very much at all. Mostly. There are things that I do appreciate... That in some sense she had her priorities right - with food and shelter and books... But in some other sense every single other priority was screwed over by her anxiety... Actually... Even in thinking about her having her priorities right... I'm comparing that to the 'usual' state of poverty (which I did not experience) of drinking and drugging and junk food... Being made to stare at a plate full of boiled silver beet leaves for several hours because one physically couldn't palate them wasn't on most poor kids radars... But I suppose... In some weird sense... I was never made to go hungry...
It is just too f*ck*d up and it is never going to go properly away / be able to be forgotten.
I do feel some sense of empathy for her... Of course I understand that those horrible feelings she's in the grip of (that I was in the grip of, too, over a period of many many years) are experienced (by her) to be outside her control... That that must be terrifying and overwhelming for her...
But then she doesn't have to worry about the source of those horrible feelings being in the actual house with her going on missions to give her beatings. So, uh, I really do have trouble with empathy, yeah. The time I didn't get to go to school camp (the only kid in my class) because I forgot (intentionally?) to tell her that I needed to take a packet of biscuits (which meant she'd give me the cheapest nastiest ones to take she could find and I had no way of getting things myself unless I stole from her - which I actually took to doing in later years -- which in hindsight she must have known full well about but she choose to ignore --- because that was her f*ck*d up way of making me feel bad so any kind of punishment out of the blue at any f*ck*ng time was justified)... Anyway... She packed a spazz about what such a bad child I was that I didn't give her WEEKS in advance warning about this packet of biscuits and we didn't have any biscuits and so I couldn't go. And that was that. The teacher talked to her and all and I couldn't go. Because her anxiety flew out of control over this packet of biscuits.
She'd prefer me to be curled up into a little terrified ball waiting for her beatings for the next few days.
Nah. F*ck this.
I hates her still.
Posted by alexandra_k on April 21, 2014, at 17:19:39
In reply to Re: thought i was over it... but not, posted by alexandra_k on April 21, 2014, at 17:15:33
I remember watching this TV show when I was a kid... 'mummy dearest' or something like that. about this mean bitch of a woman who was just a mean mean bitch to her kids. and later... flowers in the attic... that mean bitch of a grandmother. i actually... put my mother down in such camps as those. i suppose objectively in some sense things weren't that bad. she mostly only hit me on the *ss (not sure why she got it into her head that she could hit me there hard as she liked). probably to avoid bruises. i'm not entirely sure what to say... i large part of my hatred of humanity comes from being forced to live with her... and my father... ragdoll of a human being that he was... just quietly smoking himself to death...
Posted by alexandra_k on April 21, 2014, at 17:28:04
In reply to Re: thought i was over it... but not, posted by alexandra_k on April 21, 2014, at 17:19:39
but i got out. i got away.
first in body and then... years later... years and years and years later... gradually... oh so slowly... breaking my way free of their grip.
my father went first. just slid out of existence as he'd always planned to do. stepmother (cold bitch that she is - round two) made him clean out the shed of all his retirement activities before he went. given that he smoked himself to death *despite* her making a show of being upset about it since her first husband went of lung cancer... i suppose it was only fair. i'm sure that's how she thought of it. gave her a lot of power, that did, his decision to smoke.
it is hard to miss what was never really there.
i didn't have anything to do with my mother for quite a lot of my teenage years. when i was in the home. then after that, she didn't know where i lived or have my phone number. i looked into restraining orders should she find out such things and take to harrassing me.
then i think i saw her a couple times when i was at university. started seeing her a bit then... and then she started giving me money. for computers (remember my first computer cost $3,000 and she contributed 1/3 towards it). and then she helped me out with those over the years...
and of course money is power. i remember her saying that oldest sister would only go see her when she wanted money... i think that is awful. but then realising that that is how mother sets things up. she knows she needs to pay us for us to get within 100 feet of her... i... i'd rather not take it. rather not have anything to do with her... i think this is it, really.
why would i? after all these years... she pulls these big stupid eyes 'i wasn't such a bad mother now, was i?????' uh, yes. you were a pretty f*ck*ng bad mother, actually.
the nights i spent... tormenting myself... over whether i should get one of those big blunt knives and stab you repeatedly with it. quickly. now. while i'm still a minor. while i might still have some chance of going on to construct a life...
i hate you.
Posted by alexandra_k on April 21, 2014, at 20:35:29
In reply to Re: thought i was over it... but not, posted by alexandra_k on April 21, 2014, at 17:28:04
nobody helped me. nobody got me out. had to figure it out myself... run away... cops said they'd put me in a group home if i didn't tell them who i was / where i lived. i told them to go ahead... things didn't work out until i ran away and a friends boyfriends parents got involved... got me into a group home, in fact. a much better situation than things could have been, otherwise. i had my own room, at least. with a lock on the door. but no... intellectual connection. it was okay. good enough.
then living independently.
a huge part of medicine for me is having the power to make informed decisions. most people can't. blah blah blah about objectivity going out the window. that's why you can't treat people you care about or yourself. but blah blah blah right back about accessing clinicians who you DO trust to make those decisions for you when it is inappropriate that you do... or whatever... for the most part better off doing things myself. like looking after me... otherwise... it's all about who you know, huh.
i'm not going to get married... come into money. if i had money i wouldn't know what to do with it to get the things i want, anyway... like with the gym... didn't trust those personal trainers. saw a few of them laughing about their clients behind their backs. thought to myself that i would never know, really, if that was what they were doing with me... getting me doing sh*t they thought was stupid just so they could have a laugh about it later... figured only way i'd properly know was to... learn about it properly. do it properly. only way i'll know whether health decisions are best *for me* or just about trying to save a buck on ignoramus who doesn't know better... and so on...
top floor of the information commons... supposedly 'silent' study space. typically full of girls fluttering their eyelashes and giggling and so on... was full (as in packed barely any spaces left) of people... working. and napping... but powernapping... rather than filling space between classes...
people got those first test results back. from the first compulsory class. biosci. fairly hard going cell biology stuffs... a bunch of people... they have that determination... that optimism... that vague sense of panic... the ones who did well enough to... have decided to knuckle down this study break (more tests after the break). and the flutterers... well... catch you (or whatever you've got) over the summer or... there are better places to be discovering the appropriate work-life balance...
part of it is about...
he asked... the lecture hall (for my class) anyone enjoy the test? a few... and of course a few did. the few who will enjoy studying over the study break... the other few will enjoy... their sleep. their trip to the gold coast or back to the islands. enjoy their partying it up. whatever it is that people enjoy... there aren't many who enjoy the mental stimulation of uni. honestly.
some kids were saying that the bio-med classes... everyone claps at the end. i was like 'why'? i mean... the lecturer is just doing their job... i don't get it... but now i'm starting to see... because for the first time in many of these kids lives... the person teaching them is actually not a dumb f*ck*ng idiot like most high school teachers are. and... for the first time in many of these kids lives... the person teaching them is more interested in that top quartile than they are in the bottom quartile. for the first time... ever... that class is for *them*. the ones who actually deserve it. clap indeed.
i forgot how much going to uni (that very first time all the way back then) felt so very much like *coming home* for me. for the first time ever. i thought it was about nobody telling me to pull up my socks or stop smoking behind the bike sheds... and of course that was part of it. but the biggest part of it was lecturers who were focused on the things that were important and who rightly butted out from things that weren't important / had nothing to do with our learning / were none of their goddamned business.
i forget how rare these people are...
i wonder where the actual med students study... i suspect there are rooms about the place... the health science library is full of nurses or med school wannabees... trying to look cool just for being there... tapping their feet... clicking their pens... shuffling papers about... engineering... lots of swipe card access halls over there, i see... of course... that's how the real work gets done. sigh. i need to study up there in the evenings and on the weekends at least. during the day when people have classes... people don't have anyplace better to put themselves so they junk up the communal areas... just being oblivious to people trying to work around them... like the gym... best to avoid peak times...
Posted by alexandra_k on April 21, 2014, at 20:41:49
In reply to Re: focus..., posted by alexandra_k on April 21, 2014, at 20:35:29
the whole f*ck*ng rest of this class is maths... by the looks of things.
okay... i've had a week for my computer games... back to it.
need to rejoin that maths website, too (let my subscription lapse)... schedule at least 1 hour per day... and 3 5 minute blocks for my times tables... or for fast addition... or whatever... skill builders. important to keep those up...
i don't think i'm getting a lot out of it - but of course i am. need to remember that. it's relevance might not seem obvious... but it is helping a lot.
give it my best shot... then... if i have to suck it up and do health science instead of biomed because my math just isn't up to it... nobody (especially myself) will be able to say i didn't try.
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