Posted by alexandra_k on April 21, 2014, at 17:15:33
In reply to Re: thought i was over it... but not » alexandra_k, posted by SLS on April 21, 2014, at 6:11:39
Thanks Scott.
I really don't like her very much at all. Mostly. There are things that I do appreciate... That in some sense she had her priorities right - with food and shelter and books... But in some other sense every single other priority was screwed over by her anxiety... Actually... Even in thinking about her having her priorities right... I'm comparing that to the 'usual' state of poverty (which I did not experience) of drinking and drugging and junk food... Being made to stare at a plate full of boiled silver beet leaves for several hours because one physically couldn't palate them wasn't on most poor kids radars... But I suppose... In some weird sense... I was never made to go hungry...
It is just too f*ck*d up and it is never going to go properly away / be able to be forgotten.
I do feel some sense of empathy for her... Of course I understand that those horrible feelings she's in the grip of (that I was in the grip of, too, over a period of many many years) are experienced (by her) to be outside her control... That that must be terrifying and overwhelming for her...
But then she doesn't have to worry about the source of those horrible feelings being in the actual house with her going on missions to give her beatings. So, uh, I really do have trouble with empathy, yeah. The time I didn't get to go to school camp (the only kid in my class) because I forgot (intentionally?) to tell her that I needed to take a packet of biscuits (which meant she'd give me the cheapest nastiest ones to take she could find and I had no way of getting things myself unless I stole from her - which I actually took to doing in later years -- which in hindsight she must have known full well about but she choose to ignore --- because that was her f*ck*d up way of making me feel bad so any kind of punishment out of the blue at any f*ck*ng time was justified)... Anyway... She packed a spazz about what such a bad child I was that I didn't give her WEEKS in advance warning about this packet of biscuits and we didn't have any biscuits and so I couldn't go. And that was that. The teacher talked to her and all and I couldn't go. Because her anxiety flew out of control over this packet of biscuits.
She'd prefer me to be curled up into a little terrified ball waiting for her beatings for the next few days.
Nah. F*ck this.
I hates her still.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:1058481
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20140312/msgs/1064585.html