Posted by alexandra_k on April 20, 2014, at 18:02:48
In reply to Re: thought i was over it... but not, posted by alexandra_k on April 20, 2014, at 17:53:53
very small bursts. and a 40 minute phone conversation has taken it out of me... i've had my quota... for at least the next 6 months...
she'll try and induce the guilts, of course.
i'll just drop her an email that i actually feel i'm best to focus on my studies right now, but we had that long phone chat.
then i'll stop the email forwarding i've got set up. and she has no other way of contacting me. i make sure that is the case, always.
she never will understand.
i'm not entirely sure about this autistic spectrum thing.. she's pretty definately got significant problems with emotion regulation. my biggest problems with emotion regulation came from my being expected to regulate her's when i didn't have a healthy model to figure out my own...
time and space away from her... and i have come over the years to have a reasonable grip on my own. and (i think) a fairly sophisticated understanding of them (compared to the general public) due to the reading etc i've done...
when i've got proper space / defences set up so i have distance from her then i can feel some sort of empathy for her... i remember what it was like to feel like there is this horrible emotion demon inside of one that one has no power or control over.
only trouble was... for me... it's name was mother. and getting way... i got away.
but her's... lives inside her still. doesn't show any signs of letting up (she's 80 something now). she isn't any happier or calmer or... anything really, than how she used to be.
i need to keep my distance / guard up, for sure.
i wonder if i would have grown up healthier (mentally) if i'd have had a more normal mother. perhaps someone... a bit dimmer... who doesn't really get excited about much. my sister is like that. she gets on much better with mum. the guilt trip induction doesn't get to her. so much can roll of her back. she's fairly happy. fairly content. happy smily person. a mother like that... who knows what would have become of me...
poster:alexandra_k
thread:1058481
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20140312/msgs/1064539.html