Posted by alexandra_k on April 21, 2014, at 17:28:04
In reply to Re: thought i was over it... but not, posted by alexandra_k on April 21, 2014, at 17:19:39
but i got out. i got away.
first in body and then... years later... years and years and years later... gradually... oh so slowly... breaking my way free of their grip.
my father went first. just slid out of existence as he'd always planned to do. stepmother (cold bitch that she is - round two) made him clean out the shed of all his retirement activities before he went. given that he smoked himself to death *despite* her making a show of being upset about it since her first husband went of lung cancer... i suppose it was only fair. i'm sure that's how she thought of it. gave her a lot of power, that did, his decision to smoke.
it is hard to miss what was never really there.
i didn't have anything to do with my mother for quite a lot of my teenage years. when i was in the home. then after that, she didn't know where i lived or have my phone number. i looked into restraining orders should she find out such things and take to harrassing me.
then i think i saw her a couple times when i was at university. started seeing her a bit then... and then she started giving me money. for computers (remember my first computer cost $3,000 and she contributed 1/3 towards it). and then she helped me out with those over the years...
and of course money is power. i remember her saying that oldest sister would only go see her when she wanted money... i think that is awful. but then realising that that is how mother sets things up. she knows she needs to pay us for us to get within 100 feet of her... i... i'd rather not take it. rather not have anything to do with her... i think this is it, really.
why would i? after all these years... she pulls these big stupid eyes 'i wasn't such a bad mother now, was i?????' uh, yes. you were a pretty f*ck*ng bad mother, actually.
the nights i spent... tormenting myself... over whether i should get one of those big blunt knives and stab you repeatedly with it. quickly. now. while i'm still a minor. while i might still have some chance of going on to construct a life...
i hate you.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:1058481
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20140312/msgs/1064587.html