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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 17 to 41 of 545. Go back in thread:
Posted by Simus on March 25, 2004, at 9:10:21
In reply to Re: Hello,SandyWeb, posted by SandyWeb on March 25, 2004, at 8:12:08
Sandy,
It is your choice on the meds. But please, before you do anything, could you read up on going off them cold-turkey? It can actually be dangerous as well as painful.
Simus
Posted by SandyWeb on March 25, 2004, at 12:41:45
In reply to Re: Hello,SandyWeb, posted by Simus on March 25, 2004, at 9:10:21
Just found out my uncle passed away yesterday. He had a great sense of humor! And he was a wonderful Christian man. I feel so bad for everyone.
Here is his obituary:
http://www.obituariestoday.com/Obituaries/ObitShow.cfm?Obituary_ID=31681I hope that link works.
God bless,
Sandy
Posted by jlynne on March 25, 2004, at 13:03:32
In reply to Re: Hello,SandyWeb, posted by SandyWeb on March 25, 2004, at 8:12:08
>> I don't think I want to post here anymore.
Sandy, it is your choice how you want to deal with your situation, and I know that it is probably draining to try to write when you are feeling like this, but I would like to see you stick around, if you can.
How did your daughter do last night?
...jlynne
Posted by gardenergirl on March 25, 2004, at 13:09:05
In reply to Re: Hello,SandyWeb, posted by SandyWeb on March 25, 2004, at 12:41:45
I'm SO sorry for your loss. I know I would be devastated if I lost one of mine.
(((SandyWeb)))
Take care,
gg
Posted by SandyWeb on March 25, 2004, at 13:12:22
In reply to Re: Hello,SandyWeb, posted by gardenergirl on March 25, 2004, at 13:09:05
I don't feel good with all that is happening today.
Posted by Simus on March 25, 2004, at 13:59:42
In reply to Re: Hello,SandyWeb, posted by SandyWeb on March 25, 2004, at 12:41:45
Posted by Jai Narayan on March 25, 2004, at 16:10:21
In reply to Sandy, very sorry to hear. (nm), posted by Simus on March 25, 2004, at 13:59:42
You have been through so much. My heart goes out to you. I have been following this thread and I think you have been so supportive and kind. I just hope you can take a moment and just look at all the wonderful things you have done. I appreciate you.
Posted by sekou on March 25, 2004, at 18:18:40
In reply to Re: Hello,SandyWeb, posted by SandyWeb on March 25, 2004, at 8:12:08
Hi Sandy, (Sorry for this long post everyone!)
I am sorry to hear about your loss. I've been reading your posts and responses today during a very "low" time for me. I can certainly understand the pain and frustration you might be experiencing with the trials of nursing school. Back in 1992 I was dismissed from nursing school. I understand the student loan burden, the "not having anything to hope for" burden. The grace period on my loans expired and the lenders were hunting me down. I AM totally there with you. My family was not supportive, my boyfriend at the time was emotionally abusive. I was broke and living from paycheck to paycheck - not to mention I was clinically depressed but not being treated at that time. I thought about suicide all the time. At that time, I saw "no way out".
I got a forbearance on ALL of my loans (BTW, I owe more than $100K). It's not difficult at all if your financial situation is compromised. There are various payment options for all kinds of financial situations. Believe me, I've looked into them all. Consolidation, emergency postponement..you name it.
During this horrible time, all I could do each day was to go to work and I barely did that. I worked in a Neonatal Intensive Care Unit as a Nurse technician.
What made the difference for me was understanding the will and the strength of those little ones. I was so inspired by their innate will to survive. I knew it was in me too, even though I wanted to kill myself most of the time.
Now it's more than 10 years later, and my life has turned around. I am going into another decade of my life and they say 40's are even better. I am living more now than ever - still broke, still in school getting my PhD, still deferring all my past loans - but this is my life, and I am ok for now. When I say "living" I mean that I see my life as a canvas. I am painting on it, creating it. And when I fall, I paint over that mess and create something new.
You see, what you have to look for may not be within your vision right now, but MOST DEFINITELY, you can create the painting - whatever you choose that to be.
Last year, I had a suicide attempt and I decided to walk right into counseling services on campus. I LITERALLY walked out of the house and drove to the student union in front of everyone looking for help. I had nothing but that innate will that those "little ones" have.
I am currently getting treatment for my depression. My life is complicated still. But I live to enjoy the smell of the rain on the most difficult days. I enjoy the silence I have when I want to be alone. I meditate on my sadness when I feel like life isn't fair. I might not be vacationing in hawaii or rich, but your richenss, your magnificent life is inside of you wanting, SCREAMING to come out. I feel it.
I believe you WILL survive. We are all survivors each day we decide to make tomorrow our goal. Please, be gentle with yourself. You're a human, emotional, and wonderful person. Please stay connected.
cheers,
-sekou> Girls,
>
> It's just another one of those days. The clinical placements were posted today. I was so looking forward to it.
>
> I'm stopping my meds. I might as well be me. And I'm not trying to get any feedback on this: but I'm going to have a bottle of sparkling wine today! I haven't had a drink since September. I think I deserve to get buzzed. Now, where are those sleeping pills? Ha ha!!! Just kidding!!!! *smile*
>
> I don't think I want to post here anymore. I think that I'm just dragging you down. Normally, I'm not like this. I'm usually joking and looking at the bright side. But it's just not a normal time for me. I know you girls are in recovery, and it doesn't take much to tip the scales in the wrong direction. So I'm going to step out of the picture. I'm not doing well myself, and I don't want to hurt you in any way....because that wouldn't be my intention.
>
> I think as I'm drinking I'm going to pack up my nursing books. I must have $1000 worth of them just here in my livingroom!!! School is expensive, huh?? I'm sure some student will appreciate free textbooks! And time to toss out all my binders and notes. *sigh* And what to do with my $200 stethoscope. Anyone want it? It's an excellent one....a Littman Cardiology III. It has my name plate on it, but you could somehow remove that. And I have a ton of scrubs. I guess I'll pack those up with the books.
>
> It's just so final to get rid of my nursing history.....but I don't have any more use for it all. Somebody else will absolutely be appreciative of it. Glad I could help.
>
> I wish you all the best in your recovery. Thank you, girls, for taking the time to say "hi". "Hi" right back at ya! Lol!! Take care.
>
> God bless,
>
> Sandy
>
Posted by rainyday on March 25, 2004, at 18:47:38
In reply to Re: Hello,SandyWeb, posted by sekou on March 25, 2004, at 18:18:40
There was never a more elequent post.
Please stay in touch. Life is precious, even our own, when we think we do not deserve it.
Posted by Jai Narayan on March 26, 2004, at 9:13:42
In reply to Re: Hello,SandyWeb, posted by sekou on March 25, 2004, at 18:18:40
Posted by sekou on March 26, 2004, at 10:18:07
In reply to wonderful post sekou, thanks! (nm), posted by Jai Narayan on March 26, 2004, at 9:13:42
Posted by SandyWeb on March 26, 2004, at 13:04:56
In reply to Re: Hello,SandyWeb, posted by sekou on March 25, 2004, at 18:18:40
I just put a big box of supplies together for a nursing student to practice with. There are dressing trays, IV kits, syringes, cathetars, gloves, etc, etc. I feel a pit in my tummy. Bye bye career. It seems so final when you pack things up.
I am FREEZING today. I just can not get warm. This must be what the body feels like when it dies! Remind me to bring a warm coat when I take that walk! Ha ha!
Sekou, that was a wonderful story that you shared with us. I am so happy that you are able to overcome. Such a capacity for survival! I'm happy for you.
But you are going for your PhD? I don't even have my Bachelors....and I never will. I have NO skills. I have NO future. When the kids are gone, I won't even have welfare. And even if I got on Disability by some miracle, what a humiliation I would be to my kids. And I certainly can't face my family even now....with them so proud of what I was doing, and now I just show once again what a failure I am. Talk the talk, but can't WALK the talk.I sit here in my chair and just look at the carpet. And that's my life as far as I can see into the future. There is nothing left to struggle for.....I blew it, just like I always do. Pity party....wha wha wha. *smile*
I don't know. It's just so final to get rid of my nursing stuff. And with clinicals being decided now. I've always enjoyed clinicals....it's wonderful to see in action everything you've been studying. It's just neat to keep building upon your knowledge base.
But.....away it fritters. I started having my darn anxiety issues, just like last year. And I just couldn't get it together enough to complete the classes. And this was my last chance.....no more money or time now. For anything. I would find myself on the street when the kids grow up!
I don't know. Sorry for rambling. I just don't know. I'm freezing, I'm tired, I've lost my appetite, and I can't think. I just want to curl up somewhere and sleep for a long time. Where's that tree I was talking about? Ha ha! Just kidding!
Back to packing things up.
Cya!
Sandy
Posted by octopusprime on March 26, 2004, at 22:46:05
In reply to Re: Hello,SandyWeb, posted by SandyWeb on March 26, 2004, at 13:04:56
SandyWeb, I'm sorry to hear you are having a tough time.
It is so hard when somebody we love dies or when we don't achieve something we have worked very hard for. It always seems darkest just before the dawn. I will have you in my thoughts, I hope you will get some peace and space to heal.
Re: student loans: if you have a Canada Student Loan, interest and repayments can be suspended. See this link for more info:
http://www.canlearn.ca/nslsc/repay/NS/nlObtRepAss.cfm?LANGNSLSC=en&IT=PUBLIC&row=2what are you reading right now? i hope you are enjoying your books.
Posted by jlynne on March 27, 2004, at 1:06:11
In reply to Re: Hello,SandyWeb, posted by SandyWeb on March 26, 2004, at 13:04:56
> I don't know. It's just so final to get rid of my nursing stuff.<
What a bummer. I am amazed that you are still able to write to us at all, but I'm glad that you are:)
I'm exhausted from the grandkids tonight (just took the last one home). I don't have a lot of energy for writing cheery stuff, but I wanted to let you know that I am still here, and still praying for you.
(((HUGS)))
...jlynne
Posted by SandyWeb on March 27, 2004, at 4:12:18
In reply to Re: Hello,SandyWeb » SandyWeb, posted by octopusprime on March 26, 2004, at 22:46:05
I'm not reading any books right now. I don't have the energy nor the interest in reading books at this time. I was just saying that I don't see much ahead in my future other than sitting on my bum and reading.
I think I've already used up all my Interest Relief for the Canada Student Loans. They will be wanting repayment to start soon.
Thanks for the post.
Hugs,
Sandy
Posted by SandyWeb on March 27, 2004, at 4:20:19
In reply to Sandy, posted by jlynne on March 27, 2004, at 1:06:11
I went for a 2-hour walk last night.
It started to rain. *sigh*
Came back home and went to bed early.
Couldn't sleep.
Packed up my scrub sets and 3 pairs of NurseMates shoes yesterday as well. Unlatched my ID from my scrub jacket.
Now I just wait.
Hugs,
Sandy
Posted by sekou on March 27, 2004, at 8:10:53
In reply to Re: Sandy » jlynne, posted by SandyWeb on March 27, 2004, at 4:20:19
Sandy,
I flew in late last night to Atlanta just to discover that my luggage was lost. of course all my meds were in there. What a negligent thing to do! I have all this work to do for next week, and where is my stuff...? In luggage-land I suppose... Just think, I am here comforting a friend whose 2 year just passed from a rare form of brain cancer. This was his first child.
My issues seem pretty miniscule when I reflect on his. However, this really isn't the point.
Reality check...things are falling apart right where we are, most of the time. I guess we're all engaged on some level of "putting things together"...or not. And when things fall apart to the extent we cannot fathom...to the extent that we feel we have nothing...I guess that's the point we've come face to face with our greatest potential ever.
This reminds me of a bible verse...goes something like this.."In our weakness, God is made strong."
I hope we all experience the best of today to the fullest, even if that means all we do is get wet in the rain.
cheers
Posted by SandyWeb on March 27, 2004, at 9:04:19
In reply to Re: Sandy » SandyWeb, posted by sekou on March 27, 2004, at 8:10:53
Sekou,
I love the person that you appear to be. Such a strong lady with a good sense of humor!
But you are mistaken when you say that this is the point where we come face-to-face with our greatest potential ever. At least with me.
I've been putting on the strong face for too many years now. I've been doing the "in weakness, God is made strong" bit for an eternity it seems.
Now I come face-to-face with the fact.....that I'm TIRED.....tired, tired, tired, tired, tired, tired. I just can't seem to get anywhere....and I want to stop trying.
You have all been wonderful with your motivational speeches, and I'm sorry to bring you down and bore you away with my poor-pitiful-Sandy. I'm actually not feeling sorry for myself. I'm just deflated and worn out.
Maybe I should give that "heads up" to Dr. Bob. I don't know. Maybe I should just cry. Maybe I should run away to DisneyWorld!! Lol! Maybe I should dig a hole and bury myself in it. Maybe I should cuddle up with my little kitty cat. Maybe I should get drunk. Maybe I should sit out in the winter rain. Maybe I should slip in front of a car. Ha!! Maybe I should go see my doctor. Maybe I should rent a bunch of comedy movies and re-learn how to laugh. Maybe I should go back to my husband. Maybe I should try to find God again. Maybe I should wait on tomorrow.
Ramble, ramble. The brain goes clickety-CLUNK! Lol!
I'm cold, so I'm jumping back under my blanket again.
Me
Posted by Magdalena on March 27, 2004, at 13:07:05
In reply to Re: Hello,SandyWeb, posted by SandyWeb on March 25, 2004, at 12:41:45
Sandy im sorry about your loss. I was just wondering if you are from Brampton as well. You dont have to answer if you dont want, but thats where i live too. i know that funeral home, i grew up here, i just thought everyone here was from far far away...
Posted by gardenergirl on March 27, 2004, at 13:33:56
In reply to Re: Sandy » sekou, posted by SandyWeb on March 27, 2004, at 9:04:19
Oh Sandy,
I just ache for you. Your posts reflect such pain. I have read prior posts and know what you went through with the police and all. But I think your questioning whether maybe you should give Dr. Bob that heads up is significant. It sounds like you feel really hopeless, but that you really want some hope. Please let others help you to find that again. Whether it is through more intensive meds or counseling, or checking into the hospital for a bit, please allow yourself to rely on others for a time.You sound so tired, I wish I could provide a shoulder to lean on and some good old fashioned care-taking. Everyone deserves that and needs that from time to time.
I hope and pray that you can find it and accept it where you are.
Please keep posting.
gg
Posted by Dinah on March 27, 2004, at 21:38:30
In reply to Re: Sandy » sekou, posted by SandyWeb on March 27, 2004, at 9:04:19
Maybe I'm just being my usual overserious self here. But I just want to point out that giving Dr. Bob a reason to call the police is *not* a very reliable way to get help. He's not always on the board - sometimes for days at a time. He has done something when he gets concerned, but it would be very dangerous to rely on his seeing a post in a timely fashion.
And as he says in the FAQ, if you feel that you aren't safe, get help in person. The internet, as wonderful as it is, just isn't enough.
And that's a general warning, not directed to anyone in particular.
I always worry when it gets known on the board that he has contacted someone's ISP that people will get the idea that he always does or can in a timely fashion.
Posted by jlynne on March 27, 2004, at 21:39:28
In reply to Re: Sandy » jlynne, posted by SandyWeb on March 27, 2004, at 4:20:19
> I went for a 2-hour walk last night.
>
> It started to rain. *sigh*
>
> Came back home and went to bed early.
Sandy, well, at least as long as it rains we know you will come back from your walks [LOL].Where do you go when you walk? (Besides the woods:) I don't know where I would end up around here if I walked for two hours.
How is Carly doing on her med? I hope it is working for her.
The weatherman is forecasting sunny and warm here for tomorrow - I am so ready for that. I am sure that I suffer from SADS, along with everything else. [I don't know if living in the Pacific NW causes SADS, or if people with SADS just get trapped here and can't get out.] In any event, I might just get naked tomorrow and soak up as much sunshine as I possible can in one day. Sunscreen, be damned!!
Take it easy, Sandy. [One fifteen minutes at a time.] ...jlynne
Posted by SandyWeb on March 28, 2004, at 4:56:35
In reply to Re: Hmmm...., posted by Dinah on March 27, 2004, at 21:38:30
Dinah,
I'm not looking for Dr. Bob to save me. Actually, I think I'm more just leaving a record. Whether he reads these messages in time is of no concern to me now. My birthday is coming up in April, and I think that should be my special day to go a-walking. I would be 39-years OLD. Ugh. Nothing much to show for in all those years...except two fantastic kids! Who'd a-thunk?? But now I'm getting antsy because April seems so far away. I'm really, really antsy!! Lol! At least I won't have to go back to dear ole hubby. He wasn't the nicest of men. He liked to strangle, smother, hit, and yell. BUT....at least it would have been the two of us against the world TOGETHER. I wouldn't have seemed so alone in this world. But now I don't have to return to that messed-up life. He lives in Washington state now. Getting closer to the Canadian border! Oh no! Lol! It was sooo nice to get away from him. My son, at 5-years of age, had to go into counselling when we moved here. He wasn't allowed to get his anger out when we lived with hubby because the big bad man would overpower him. So, when we were awat from him, Ben got ANGRY. That was a fun time! Ha! But my kiddo overcame, and he's a great 15-year old now. A little bit addicted to video games (UGH!!), but I think I'll keep him. Lol! And Carly is doing better with the sleeping pills. Apparently it leaves a disgusting taste in her mouth for the rest of the next day, but it helps her fall alseep. It just doesn't KEEP her asleep. She keeps waking up all night long....but at least she doesn't get up and turn on the light and start reading. She's getting more rest, and has been to school. Yippee. Now she just needs that therapist so she can learn how to not be fearful of the dark.
I am so glad April is coming. I've always liked my special month. April showers? Well, that's okay. If it's too miserable, I don't need to atually take a walk. My home is just as well. But I wish it would hurry up. I don't know if I can wait that long. I'm sooo antsy. And, yes, of course there is always hope. I seem like two different people. I want to get on with it, and yet there is a little bit of a search for hope. I think that is probably somehhing that we are born with. And I think that the only "hope" I would have would be the hospital. Only problem is that I've never been to the hospital, as a patient, except when I gave birth two times. I've been a very healthy girl up until last year!! And even stranger, even though I wanted to be a psych nurse, I've never been on a mentl health unit and I'm scared to death of it. Lol! Actually, I'm more scared of the unit than my birthday!! *snicker* I think the only way I would go would be kicking and screaming. And you'd have to catch me first!! Hee hee. Since I haven't run in many a year, I'd probably have to run and HIDE, run and HIDE....as I'm catching my breath!! LOL!!!! But really, I'd be too scared to go to the hospital. Which is really irrational when you think that I was a wannabe nurse specailizing in mental health. Duh! Guess I wouldn't have been a good nurse afterall. Scared of my own unit! Hee!
Well, I didn't sleep at all last night. Maybe I should try to lay down again. But my tummy is just so full of butterflies, and I just keep fidgeting, and I can't stop thinking about my birthday. I wonder what I'll get?? Ha! I was going to have an exam on the day before and the day after my birthday....but now I'm free!! Yeah!! No stress of studying around my special day. Har! So, that is my story. Maybe I should take one f Carly's sleeping pills because I'm not going to get any sleep today if my brain keeps racing like this. No prob, though. It'll slow down soon enough.
Do you ever fel like two people? One part of you wants one thing and nother part wants another? A little bit on the frustrating side. But I don't have any plans for the future. I still haven't figured out what I could do with my life. Be a bag lady looking for handouts. Ha! Now that seems like it would be fun. NOT.Cya!
Posted by SandyWeb on March 28, 2004, at 5:37:39
In reply to Re: Hmmm.... » Dinah, posted by SandyWeb on March 28, 2004, at 4:56:35
I meant to mention that I won't be posting here anymore. I forgot to say that in my previous message. You can cancel this thread now. It was wonderful meeting all you special people. Take good care of yourselves.
Cya!
Posted by EmmyS on March 28, 2004, at 8:32:56
In reply to Re: Hmmm.... » Dinah, posted by SandyWeb on March 28, 2004, at 4:56:35
Sandy - I was the same age as your children when my mother suicided. I wonder what you think will happen to them?
Do you think they will "be better off" without you as my mother did? I can assure you, my mom was incorrect. The many children she left behind were so totally screwed up by her suicide, that decades later most of us are still basket cases. Our family was destroyed, the guilt and self-blame overwhelmed each child. Yes, even the youngest children grew thinking it was their fault entirely and have lived with that for decades. It's mom's legacy - agonzing pain. More than one of my siblings have also attempted. I'm quite sure my brother will soon succeed.
I realize that depression causes irrational thinking. Sandy, try to think clearly for a few minutes. Think about the love you have for your children. Know they love you and need you in their lives forever; for their first broken hearts, for their graduations, their weddings, the births of their children. My mom wasn't there for any of that.
I shopped alone for my wedding dress. It sucked. I cried.
It's not just all the big days either. I miss her every single day. Every single day.
Arrange for childcare. Pack a bag. It's time to get to that hospital. It's not just about you right now - it's about your children.
Emmy
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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