Posted by sekou on March 25, 2004, at 18:18:40
In reply to Re: Hello,SandyWeb, posted by SandyWeb on March 25, 2004, at 8:12:08
Hi Sandy, (Sorry for this long post everyone!)
I am sorry to hear about your loss. I've been reading your posts and responses today during a very "low" time for me. I can certainly understand the pain and frustration you might be experiencing with the trials of nursing school. Back in 1992 I was dismissed from nursing school. I understand the student loan burden, the "not having anything to hope for" burden. The grace period on my loans expired and the lenders were hunting me down. I AM totally there with you. My family was not supportive, my boyfriend at the time was emotionally abusive. I was broke and living from paycheck to paycheck - not to mention I was clinically depressed but not being treated at that time. I thought about suicide all the time. At that time, I saw "no way out".
I got a forbearance on ALL of my loans (BTW, I owe more than $100K). It's not difficult at all if your financial situation is compromised. There are various payment options for all kinds of financial situations. Believe me, I've looked into them all. Consolidation, emergency postponement..you name it.
During this horrible time, all I could do each day was to go to work and I barely did that. I worked in a Neonatal Intensive Care Unit as a Nurse technician.
What made the difference for me was understanding the will and the strength of those little ones. I was so inspired by their innate will to survive. I knew it was in me too, even though I wanted to kill myself most of the time.
Now it's more than 10 years later, and my life has turned around. I am going into another decade of my life and they say 40's are even better. I am living more now than ever - still broke, still in school getting my PhD, still deferring all my past loans - but this is my life, and I am ok for now. When I say "living" I mean that I see my life as a canvas. I am painting on it, creating it. And when I fall, I paint over that mess and create something new.
You see, what you have to look for may not be within your vision right now, but MOST DEFINITELY, you can create the painting - whatever you choose that to be.
Last year, I had a suicide attempt and I decided to walk right into counseling services on campus. I LITERALLY walked out of the house and drove to the student union in front of everyone looking for help. I had nothing but that innate will that those "little ones" have.
I am currently getting treatment for my depression. My life is complicated still. But I live to enjoy the smell of the rain on the most difficult days. I enjoy the silence I have when I want to be alone. I meditate on my sadness when I feel like life isn't fair. I might not be vacationing in hawaii or rich, but your richenss, your magnificent life is inside of you wanting, SCREAMING to come out. I feel it.
I believe you WILL survive. We are all survivors each day we decide to make tomorrow our goal. Please, be gentle with yourself. You're a human, emotional, and wonderful person. Please stay connected.
cheers,
-sekou> Girls,
>
> It's just another one of those days. The clinical placements were posted today. I was so looking forward to it.
>
> I'm stopping my meds. I might as well be me. And I'm not trying to get any feedback on this: but I'm going to have a bottle of sparkling wine today! I haven't had a drink since September. I think I deserve to get buzzed. Now, where are those sleeping pills? Ha ha!!! Just kidding!!!! *smile*
>
> I don't think I want to post here anymore. I think that I'm just dragging you down. Normally, I'm not like this. I'm usually joking and looking at the bright side. But it's just not a normal time for me. I know you girls are in recovery, and it doesn't take much to tip the scales in the wrong direction. So I'm going to step out of the picture. I'm not doing well myself, and I don't want to hurt you in any way....because that wouldn't be my intention.
>
> I think as I'm drinking I'm going to pack up my nursing books. I must have $1000 worth of them just here in my livingroom!!! School is expensive, huh?? I'm sure some student will appreciate free textbooks! And time to toss out all my binders and notes. *sigh* And what to do with my $200 stethoscope. Anyone want it? It's an excellent one....a Littman Cardiology III. It has my name plate on it, but you could somehow remove that. And I have a ton of scrubs. I guess I'll pack those up with the books.
>
> It's just so final to get rid of my nursing history.....but I don't have any more use for it all. Somebody else will absolutely be appreciative of it. Glad I could help.
>
> I wish you all the best in your recovery. Thank you, girls, for taking the time to say "hi". "Hi" right back at ya! Lol!! Take care.
>
> God bless,
>
> Sandy
>
poster:sekou
thread:327575
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040324/msgs/328392.html