![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 29. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by zenhussy on December 8, 2003, at 17:47:19
Ever feel as if you've done something irreversibly stupid?
I'm suddenly gripped with the intense fear that I've flubbed up last week and it will be major hell to pay.
I won't know for a bit yet and am sinking into that stupid spiral of shame.
Things I'm telling myself:
Stupid me for messing up once again.
truth---everyone messes up and messing up does not make one stupid.I'll never be able to fix this.
truth---I do not know whether or not I'll be able to fix this particular situation. I do know that I've performed admirably in the past and do not have any reason to suspect I will not continue to do so.I'm an idiot.
truth---see number one. There isn't a village without one out looking for me.Why can't I get it together?
truth---getting 'it' together is relative. I have major depression and ptsd. Sometimes surviving one day is a miracle in itself. Getting 'it' together is going to have to happen one day, one step, one moment at a time. Reminder to self...first identfy just what the hell you mean by 'it' and then proceed to examine the lint in one's bellybutton. Har.Okay. I feel a touch better after writing out my thinking and some reality---as I see it that is.
zh
Posted by zenhussy on December 8, 2003, at 17:53:44
In reply to I'm such a stupid tool! Argh., posted by zenhussy on December 8, 2003, at 17:47:19
continuation of things I'm telling myself:
I want to curl up and die.
truth---curling up and dying won't do a blessed thing. Hiding from the situation only prolongs dealing with it. Deal. Just deal. It can not kill you. That is a given. So get over it and deal.quite the pep talk I give myself, eh?
zh
Posted by NikkiT2 on December 8, 2003, at 18:19:10
In reply to Re: forgot one major thing, posted by zenhussy on December 8, 2003, at 17:53:44
Oh sweetie.. That feeling is horrid.. really horrid. And its when self hate always really kicks in for me.
But, let me tell you young lady, you're a wonderful person, someone I value very highly. YOu have nothing that should be hated.
OK, so we mess up.. Yes, it happens... But you have got through SO much, you'd get through this too. You're so much stronger than you believe, and you'll suprise yourself if needs be.
And you know where I am
Nikki xx
Posted by 8 Miles on December 8, 2003, at 18:36:14
In reply to I'm such a stupid tool! Argh., posted by zenhussy on December 8, 2003, at 17:47:19
Zen,
You shouldn't be so hard on yourself. Whereas past actions may posit their effects long after the "deed is done", it is much too easy for us (us, because I catch myself in that snare as well) to keep caught in that loop. First we mess up (or perhaps THINK we messed up), then we go about self-flagellation, often inflicting more scorn upon ourselves than "the world" does. Why do WE judge ourselves more strictly than the world does? Is it, perhaps, because we "know" our inner self more than the world does, and thus act as if "deserve" the pain and self-punishment? Well, yes, that's our natural tendecy, but it really does not have to be. Do you have a counselor, or some close "pal" you can discuss these feelings with? I used to have a few good folk I could converse with, but it seems as if the story has grown old through repetition. I live in a world of rote actions and interactions. I Can tell you with relative accuracy EXACTLY what I will do tomorrow, and what I will endure. Is that living or existing? Well, sorry to be so heavy, but do know that you are not alone, elp Zen.
8
Posted by Kalamatianos on December 8, 2003, at 23:58:08
In reply to I'm such a stupid tool! Argh., posted by zenhussy on December 8, 2003, at 17:47:19
Messy is as messy does, is a lie. Look at yourself as if you are 10 years from now. Will anyone else give a hoot? Forgive yourself now and don't wait that 10 years. When I learned to separate who-I-is from what-I-did, I stopped forgiving myself and no one noticed but me.
Posted by zenhussy on December 9, 2003, at 2:29:01
In reply to I'm such a stupid tool! Argh., posted by zenhussy on December 8, 2003, at 17:47:19
I think I need to retreat for a couple of days to figure this one out.
I'll stop the self-flagellation.
Thank you for support Nikki, 8 Miles, Kalamatianos and KellyD.
Catch y'all in a couple days time.
zh
Posted by KellyD on December 9, 2003, at 14:43:59
In reply to Thank you all, posted by zenhussy on December 9, 2003, at 2:29:01
Posted by sienna on December 10, 2003, at 0:52:55
In reply to Thank you all, posted by zenhussy on December 9, 2003, at 2:29:01
Zenhussy,
You are so awesome and smart and funny. I know how crappy it can feel to feel crappy. Everyone has days like that so dont beat yourself up to much. Sometimes it helps me to think of the last time i did somethign i thought was the end of the world and think about how i had to relaly think about it to remmeber it because it isnt something that will really haunt you all the time.
not sure if that helps, but your defnitely not a tool.
take care and see ya when ya get back
Sienna
Posted by shar on December 10, 2003, at 11:49:48
In reply to I'm such a stupid tool! Argh., posted by zenhussy on December 8, 2003, at 17:47:19
Someone taught you well. I believe those thoughts don't just magically appear in our heads. I have my own set that SEEM to be carved in granite, they are so hard to get away from. Probably the best thing is to try to get the volume turned down.
I hope your 'retreat' is a good one and you'll return rejuvenated, and driving your own bus.
xoxo
Shar who is very thankful for Zen
Posted by zenhussy on December 11, 2003, at 20:38:59
In reply to I'm such a stupid tool! Argh., posted by zenhussy on December 8, 2003, at 17:47:19
Okay. Still not sure of fallout from this but I'm not going to freak out about it any longer. It is a waste of my energy to worry about something that is totally out of my hands.
I'll find out when I find out.
Mental note to self--I'm allowing myself to feel inferior. Eleanor Roosevelt would give me a talkin' to I'd bet.
zh
Thank you all for such supportive words. It has been a while since I've had such a deeply doubtful sense of dread and doom about something that is most likely small potatoes. Gosh I love the distortions of depression. Ugh.
Your words were stars of light to combat my feelings of 'I'm a loser' that I had. Gracias los amigos.
Posted by KellyD on December 11, 2003, at 21:05:58
In reply to Re: I am human and I make mistakes, posted by zenhussy on December 11, 2003, at 20:38:59
Great to see you. You sound better. I really hope you realize your power, too. Your words are an inspiration.
Kelly
Posted by zenhussy on December 18, 2003, at 17:56:56
In reply to I'm such a stupid tool! Argh., posted by zenhussy on December 8, 2003, at 17:47:19
> Ever feel as if you've done something irreversibly stupid?
> I'm suddenly gripped with the intense fear that I've flubbed up last week and it will be major hell to pay.
I'm looking around and not seeing pitchforks or flames so it must not be hell, it only feels like it!I screwed up. Freaking out over it didn't change that I had already done the damage. So now I pay. Sucks but such is life. Kinda used to it by now.
Chalk it up to being inattentive and unmindful and learn from it. Move on.
zh--living human lesson in errors
Posted by 8 Miles on December 19, 2003, at 16:34:11
In reply to Re: flubbing up and paying the price, posted by zenhussy on December 18, 2003, at 17:56:56
So ZH,
Why are you being so down on yourself? I mean I did read your story about dropping out of some therapy group on PB, is THIS what you are refering to? If, not, please elucidate me, as I must have dozed off somewhere between the lyrics and the pain.
8
Posted by zenhussy on December 20, 2003, at 4:41:53
In reply to Hold on to these feelings while they pass.... » zenhussy, posted by 8 Miles on December 19, 2003, at 16:34:11
> So ZH,
> Why are you being so down on yourself? I mean I did read your story about dropping out of some therapy group on PB, is THIS what you are refering to? If, not, please elucidate me, as I must have dozed off somewhere between the lyrics and the pain.
> 8Yo 8 Miles (high?)
No, this isn't about the therapy group thing. I haven't come to a final decision about that yet anyway. I'm leaning a certain way but am not set in stone.
I don't know how much elucidation I can provide.
If I'm not down on myself and hard on myself then who will be? Who will come in and pay my bills? Who will come take care of everything I've let fall to shit because of my depression? Who will go get dog food so my dog doesn't starve? Nevermind I hadn't gone to the store in ages....
I didn't get this far in life by not being hard on myself. I've been told that I've softened. Perhaps this is as soft as I get. I don't think the wall comes down any more than this.And I'm not mulling over screwing up. I'm owning up to a mistake I made due to my lack of mindfulness and my not being attentive. I'm not berating myself. I'm moving on from here.
Maybe I was trying an exercise in responsibility and letting go?
Did it not seem as such? I can't tell anymore. There is great disharmony between what other see and say and what I feel. I am aware what I feel IS NOT the truth as my feelings are often fueled by depression and the distortions it brings.
It is exhausting fighting thoughts of hatred and failure, when I know that is the disease, and the effect of years of those messages being the daily mantra.
I think tonight calls for a sleeping pill. I can tell by the way I'm typing I need to stop. Breathe. And walk away. Go find pill bottle. Take half tablet. Get in bed. Turn out light. And pray.
zh
8--no one was there back then. No one. I know logically I'm surrounded by people now but try getting that through the mind of ptsd. Survivor mentality. If something, anything in my life is flubbed up then automatically it is my fault. That is the thinking that goes along with the type of horror that followed my trauma. Compounded traumas. Complex ptsd. So are you elucidated? I know you're experienced. But do you now see? Because I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles and miles and miles and miles and miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiles. (thank god I caught a good tour of The Who back before the nightmares began intruding)
Posted by Dr. Bob on December 20, 2003, at 16:59:38
In reply to Re: Hold on to these feelings while they pass.... » 8 Miles, posted by zenhussy on December 20, 2003, at 4:41:53
> Who will come take care of everything I've let fall to sh*t because of my depression?
Please don't use language that could offend others, thanks.
Bob
Posted by mair on December 25, 2003, at 13:46:57
In reply to Re: please be civil » zenhussy, posted by Dr. Bob on December 20, 2003, at 16:59:38
This PBC seems a bit picky. I thought it was ok to suggest words in precisely the way zen did. I know everyone knows what word she used, but she didn't fully spell it out, which indicates to me, a sincere attempt to avoid breaking your rules.
Besides, I don't have a high tolerance for offensive language and generally don't use it. I thought this word had entered the lexicon of common words to such an extent that it's no longer even considered offensive. Sort of on par with "damn."
Mair
Posted by zenhussy on December 26, 2003, at 2:39:08
In reply to Oh Come on Bob » Dr. Bob, posted by mair on December 25, 2003, at 13:46:57
I think my original post that had the "oh dear me that word could be offensive" word in it but was only censored in Dr. Bob's PBC to me.
Or else I'm more med stupid than I thought and have no idea of what I'm talking about any longer.
I appreciate your coming to my aid but sadly I was in the wrong (according to the almighty FAQ) and will take my wrist slap and scarlet PBC as usual. I guess next time I unintentionally write the way I'm used to I'll get almost a year banishment from this site to examine civility and why it is so important to Dr. Hsiung.
zh
Posted by Lyrical13 on December 27, 2003, at 7:41:08
In reply to I'm such a stupid tool! Argh., posted by zenhussy on December 8, 2003, at 17:47:19
I too go through the whole panic when I do something stupid..it's hard to keep perspective on what is taking responsibility for mistake and what is coming down too hard on self. But I really like the way you confronted the neg self-talk. The difficult thing with depression is that the neg thoughts take over and it's hard to see clearly. I notice that although I am normally a positive person, when in the "bad place" my mind is filled with self-doubt, worry, obsessing about small mistakes, extreme worry about what others think and a marked decrease in confidence. But next time I'm beating myself up I'll have to remember your thought vs truth technique. I also heard this somewhere along the way...when I'm thinking that I should do this or I should've done that..."Stop shoulding on yourself"
Also, this comes in handy when you're way too worried about something that's not that major..
"The people who mind don't matter. The people who matter, won't mind" Don't remember where I heard that but it comes in handy sometimes.L13
Posted by fallsfall on December 27, 2003, at 18:55:47
In reply to Nope, I was typing without censor and swore. » mair, posted by zenhussy on December 26, 2003, at 2:39:08
Zen -
Can you write your posts in Word and have the spellchecker make sure you don't put any nasty words in? I would be so unhappy if you weren't here for such a long time.
Just wanting you to know that you are loved,
Falls
Posted by Blonde Bomb on September 12, 2006, at 14:53:06
In reply to I'm such a stupid tool! Argh., posted by zenhussy on December 8, 2003, at 17:47:19
Well, guess what. . . the village sure found its idiot today!
In a situation that could and should have been a a positive professional move for me, I used bad judgment at an event attended by colleagues and peers and made a slip up that has, no doubt, compromised my integrity.
To what degree, I don't know. How many people are or will be aware of my faux pas, I'll be the last to find out. How much will the negative consequences impact me, it's hard to say.
All I do know is that the very little bit of gain I cunningly garnered was NOT worth it and I just wish I could go back and undo it all!
Just when I think I've got it all together and my life is on a reliable, even keel, I have to beat myself up with questions of 'Why did I use such poor judgment?', 'Why, at my age, am I still capable of doing such stupid things?', and 'Will I EVER grow up?!'
The self loathing is incredible.
All I can do at this point is confess my sin (thanks for listening!), try to forgive myself, and learn from my mistake. . . once again.
Blonde Bomb
> Ever feel as if you've done something irreversibly stupid?
>
> I'm suddenly gripped with the intense fear that I've flubbed up last week and it will be major hell to pay.
>
> I won't know for a bit yet and am sinking into that stupid spiral of shame.
>
> Things I'm telling myself:
>
> Stupid me for messing up once again.
> truth---everyone messes up and messing up does not make one stupid.
>
> I'll never be able to fix this.
> truth---I do not know whether or not I'll be able to fix this particular situation. I do know that I've performed admirably in the past and do not have any reason to suspect I will not continue to do so.
>
> I'm an idiot.
> truth---see number one. There isn't a village without one out looking for me.
>
> Why can't I get it together?
> truth---getting 'it' together is relative. I have major depression and ptsd. Sometimes surviving one day is a miracle in itself. Getting 'it' together is going to have to happen one day, one step, one moment at a time. Reminder to self...first identfy just what the hell you mean by 'it' and then proceed to examine the lint in one's bellybutton. Har.
>
> Okay. I feel a touch better after writing out my thinking and some reality---as I see it that is.
>
> zh
>
Posted by zenhussy on September 12, 2006, at 16:35:25
In reply to Re: I'm such a stupid tool! Argh. » zenhussy, posted by Blonde Bomb on September 12, 2006, at 14:53:06
three parter post.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
first part...if you're new...welcome! glad an old thread struck something in you. archives are handy that way to note self progress, change, areas that need more attention and the like. some journal, some post, whatever works as the ability to celebrate how hard one has worked to change and that change is often slow and not noticable until down the road with new perspective. meh ramble ramble.
>>All I do know is that the very little bit of gain I cunningly garnered was NOT worth it and I just wish I could go back and undo it all!
sorry to hear but glad you're aware whatever it is you did was not worth it and hopefully this life lesson will stick so there isn't a next time.
some random quotes that may, or may not, apply here....
"Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again." --Franklin P. Jones
"Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes." --Oscar Wilde, Lady Windermere's Fan
"Experience is not what happens to a man,; it is what a man does with what happens to him."
--Aldous Huxley"The stupid neither forgive nor forget, the naïve forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget." --Thomas Szasz, The Second Sin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~second part...
did you use to post under another name? if so then maybe you weren't aware of this http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#names from the FAQ....
Can I change my name?
Please don't post under more than one name at the same time. If for any reason you feel you need to change your posting name, follow these steps:1). Stop posting under your current name.
2). Re-register ("for the first time") under a new name.
3). Post a message (under your new name) at Psycho-Babble Administration to let others know that you used to post under a different name. This is to try to reassure them that posters who appear to be new really are new. You don't have to say what your old name was.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~third part...
boy did Kalamatianos have some dead on input back then! bull's eye!
>>R U sure? » zenhussy
Posted by Kalamatianos on December 8, 2003, at 23:58:08>>Messy is as messy does, is a lie. Look at yourself as if you are 10 years from now. Will anyone else give a hoot? Forgive yourself now and don't wait that 10 years. When I learned to separate who-I-is from what-I-did, I stopped forgiving myself and no one noticed but me.
bingo. almost three years later and only a vague inkling of whatever was so distressing and worthy of beating oneself every-which-way....gosh it is wild to see Kalamatianos, Lyrical13, KellyD and sienna, mair, shar, nikki, falls and 8miles........timewarp of names. warm memories of all these folks. would not have gotten through those times until now if not for these folks and others.
namaste
Posted by Blonde Bomb on September 12, 2006, at 17:32:54
In reply to curious......new poster or name change? » Blonde Bomb, posted by zenhussy on September 12, 2006, at 16:35:25
Wonderfully wise perceptions. . . THANK you so much for the excellent insight. I look forward to the day when I, like you, can barely remember what the big tragedy was at the time. And, you're right - Kalamatianos did, indeed, have some on target remarks. . . I won't even remember the names of the vast majority of the people at that event - and we're not talking as long as ten years from now, but closer to five!
Right now, though, the raw pain of it is still pretty fresh, especially since I'm not yet sure what the full consequences will be. Oh well, I'll live.
I am brand new to the Dr. Bob Psycho Babble experience. I found your message by placing into Google Search 'Why do Smart People Do Stupid Things?' It took me straight to your message. . . isn't that wild? Hey, I was feeling pretty darned needy to do some anonymous soul-baring and to receive some good feedback and was really reaching out. . . glad you were there!
Thanks!
BB
> three parter post.....
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> first part...
>
> if you're new...welcome! glad an old thread struck something in you. archives are handy that way to note self progress, change, areas that need more attention and the like. some journal, some post, whatever works as the ability to celebrate how hard one has worked to change and that change is often slow and not noticable until down the road with new perspective. meh ramble ramble.
>
> >>All I do know is that the very little bit of gain I cunningly garnered was NOT worth it and I just wish I could go back and undo it all!
>
> sorry to hear but glad you're aware whatever it is you did was not worth it and hopefully this life lesson will stick so there isn't a next time.
>
> some random quotes that may, or may not, apply here....
>
> "Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again." --Franklin P. Jones
>
> "Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes." --Oscar Wilde, Lady Windermere's Fan
>
> "Experience is not what happens to a man,; it is what a man does with what happens to him."
> --Aldous Huxley
>
> "The stupid neither forgive nor forget, the naïve forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget." --Thomas Szasz, The Second Sin
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> second part...
>
> did you use to post under another name? if so then maybe you weren't aware of this http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#names from the FAQ....
>
> Can I change my name?
> Please don't post under more than one name at the same time. If for any reason you feel you need to change your posting name, follow these steps:
>
> 1). Stop posting under your current name.
> 2). Re-register ("for the first time") under a new name.
> 3). Post a message (under your new name) at Psycho-Babble Administration to let others know that you used to post under a different name. This is to try to reassure them that posters who appear to be new really are new. You don't have to say what your old name was.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> third part...
>
> boy did Kalamatianos have some dead on input back then! bull's eye!
>
> >>R U sure? » zenhussy
> Posted by Kalamatianos on December 8, 2003, at 23:58:08
>
> >>Messy is as messy does, is a lie. Look at yourself as if you are 10 years from now. Will anyone else give a hoot? Forgive yourself now and don't wait that 10 years. When I learned to separate who-I-is from what-I-did, I stopped forgiving myself and no one noticed but me.
>
> bingo. almost three years later and only a vague inkling of whatever was so distressing and worthy of beating oneself every-which-way....gosh it is wild to see Kalamatianos, Lyrical13, KellyD and sienna, mair, shar, nikki, falls and 8miles........timewarp of names. warm memories of all these folks. would not have gotten through those times until now if not for these folks and others.
>
> namaste
Posted by zenhussy on September 13, 2006, at 1:22:29
In reply to Re: curious......new poster or name change? » zenhussy, posted by Blonde Bomb on September 12, 2006, at 17:32:54
>>> I am brand new to the Dr. Bob Psycho Babble experience. I found your message by placing into Google Search 'Why do Smart People Do Stupid Things?' It took me straight to your message. . . isn't that wild?
aw, c'mon and share what you really put in the search engine ;) tried variations of the above, even limiting it to only this site and never came up with the "tool" message. wild indeed!
stranger things have happened ya know....
wow you're awfully kind with your words about insights and perceptions.
>>Right now, though, the raw pain of it is still pretty fresh, especially since I'm not yet sure what the full consequences will be. Oh well, I'll live.
good to know this wasn't a mortal blow...merely a flesh wound. hope the consequences aren't too grave BB. chalk this up to life experience and hope whatever happened will be long forgotten before the five years is up! practice, practice, practice and then some more practice....that's about all the advice that comes to mind regarding self loathing....with time it can be lessened.
Posted by Blonde Bomb on September 13, 2006, at 10:03:51
In reply to Re: googling and straight to message....wild! » Blonde Bomb, posted by zenhussy on September 13, 2006, at 1:22:29
As best I could recall, that was the line I put into Google that led me to your message, but I did try several similar phrases before I found you. . . maybe that wasn't the exact one, afterall. Sorry. . . but, the bottom line is - you helped me get past the worst of the emotions I was feeling. Thanks for that and for the great advice in this message!
BB
> >>> I am brand new to the Dr. Bob Psycho Babble experience. I found your message by placing into Google Search 'Why do Smart People Do Stupid Things?' It took me straight to your message. . . isn't that wild?
>
> aw, c'mon and share what you really put in the search engine ;) tried variations of the above, even limiting it to only this site and never came up with the "tool" message. wild indeed!
>
> stranger things have happened ya know....
>
> wow you're awfully kind with your words about insights and perceptions.
>
> >>Right now, though, the raw pain of it is still pretty fresh, especially since I'm not yet sure what the full consequences will be. Oh well, I'll live.
>
> good to know this wasn't a mortal blow...merely a flesh wound. hope the consequences aren't too grave BB. chalk this up to life experience and hope whatever happened will be long forgotten before the five years is up! practice, practice, practice and then some more practice....that's about all the advice that comes to mind regarding self loathing....with time it can be lessened.
Posted by zenhussy on September 13, 2006, at 10:22:38
In reply to Re: googling and straight to message....wild! » zenhussy, posted by Blonde Bomb on September 13, 2006, at 10:03:51
bottom line? great job Blondie!! you're taking risks by opening up to strangers. that's never easy for most.
there are many folks here with comforting words as witnessed by their postings to your similar post/thread below "Why Do I Do the Stupid Things I Do?".
certainly you too have advice and comfort to offer up here as well? everyone knows something others don't....in time maybe you'll share? until then fab. job you've done on your getting through the worst of it!!
who knows? maybe you'll even have posts of your own on a board that get googled up years later! think of it! awesome to know that healing and hard work have meant something to another person....a stranger, no less! humbling.
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