Posted by Blonde Bomb on September 12, 2006, at 14:53:06
In reply to I'm such a stupid tool! Argh., posted by zenhussy on December 8, 2003, at 17:47:19
Well, guess what. . . the village sure found its idiot today!
In a situation that could and should have been a a positive professional move for me, I used bad judgment at an event attended by colleagues and peers and made a slip up that has, no doubt, compromised my integrity.
To what degree, I don't know. How many people are or will be aware of my faux pas, I'll be the last to find out. How much will the negative consequences impact me, it's hard to say.
All I do know is that the very little bit of gain I cunningly garnered was NOT worth it and I just wish I could go back and undo it all!
Just when I think I've got it all together and my life is on a reliable, even keel, I have to beat myself up with questions of 'Why did I use such poor judgment?', 'Why, at my age, am I still capable of doing such stupid things?', and 'Will I EVER grow up?!'
The self loathing is incredible.
All I can do at this point is confess my sin (thanks for listening!), try to forgive myself, and learn from my mistake. . . once again.
Blonde Bomb
> Ever feel as if you've done something irreversibly stupid?
>
> I'm suddenly gripped with the intense fear that I've flubbed up last week and it will be major hell to pay.
>
> I won't know for a bit yet and am sinking into that stupid spiral of shame.
>
> Things I'm telling myself:
>
> Stupid me for messing up once again.
> truth---everyone messes up and messing up does not make one stupid.
>
> I'll never be able to fix this.
> truth---I do not know whether or not I'll be able to fix this particular situation. I do know that I've performed admirably in the past and do not have any reason to suspect I will not continue to do so.
>
> I'm an idiot.
> truth---see number one. There isn't a village without one out looking for me.
>
> Why can't I get it together?
> truth---getting 'it' together is relative. I have major depression and ptsd. Sometimes surviving one day is a miracle in itself. Getting 'it' together is going to have to happen one day, one step, one moment at a time. Reminder to self...first identfy just what the hell you mean by 'it' and then proceed to examine the lint in one's bellybutton. Har.
>
> Okay. I feel a touch better after writing out my thinking and some reality---as I see it that is.
>
> zh
>
poster:Blonde Bomb
thread:287802
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060911/msgs/685331.html