Posted by zenhussy on December 20, 2003, at 4:41:53
In reply to Hold on to these feelings while they pass.... » zenhussy, posted by 8 Miles on December 19, 2003, at 16:34:11
> So ZH,
> Why are you being so down on yourself? I mean I did read your story about dropping out of some therapy group on PB, is THIS what you are refering to? If, not, please elucidate me, as I must have dozed off somewhere between the lyrics and the pain.
> 8Yo 8 Miles (high?)
No, this isn't about the therapy group thing. I haven't come to a final decision about that yet anyway. I'm leaning a certain way but am not set in stone.
I don't know how much elucidation I can provide.
If I'm not down on myself and hard on myself then who will be? Who will come in and pay my bills? Who will come take care of everything I've let fall to shit because of my depression? Who will go get dog food so my dog doesn't starve? Nevermind I hadn't gone to the store in ages....
I didn't get this far in life by not being hard on myself. I've been told that I've softened. Perhaps this is as soft as I get. I don't think the wall comes down any more than this.And I'm not mulling over screwing up. I'm owning up to a mistake I made due to my lack of mindfulness and my not being attentive. I'm not berating myself. I'm moving on from here.
Maybe I was trying an exercise in responsibility and letting go?
Did it not seem as such? I can't tell anymore. There is great disharmony between what other see and say and what I feel. I am aware what I feel IS NOT the truth as my feelings are often fueled by depression and the distortions it brings.
It is exhausting fighting thoughts of hatred and failure, when I know that is the disease, and the effect of years of those messages being the daily mantra.
I think tonight calls for a sleeping pill. I can tell by the way I'm typing I need to stop. Breathe. And walk away. Go find pill bottle. Take half tablet. Get in bed. Turn out light. And pray.
zh
8--no one was there back then. No one. I know logically I'm surrounded by people now but try getting that through the mind of ptsd. Survivor mentality. If something, anything in my life is flubbed up then automatically it is my fault. That is the thinking that goes along with the type of horror that followed my trauma. Compounded traumas. Complex ptsd. So are you elucidated? I know you're experienced. But do you now see? Because I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles and miles and miles and miles and miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiles. (thank god I caught a good tour of The Who back before the nightmares began intruding)
poster:zenhussy
thread:287802
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031217/msgs/291843.html