Posted by Damos on October 16, 2005, at 19:33:40
In reply to Re: I tried......and failed miserably - as usual :-( » Damos, posted by zeugma on October 15, 2005, at 14:13:26
Hi -Z,
I hope you know it means a lot to me that you come here to be with us. Yeah, I know what you mean about it being precarious. I also know that it's the fact that there are those precious few that mean so much to me that actually keeps me going.
Dreams, something else Efexor seems to have stolen from me. I think I know what you mean though, I've had a couple of sleep paralysis incidents where there was something else there and some other terrible hallucinations with snakes and spiders and other 'things' that have left me spooked for days (nights). They are no fun, no fun at all. When you come to and you're actually standing in the middle of the bed and the bed clothes, pillows etc are strewn around the room and you're completely terrified, or lying on the floor having physically thrown yourself out of bed trying to get away, you get the feeling things are more than a little odd. But fortunately or sadly depending on your point of view since coming off Efexor I don't seem to dream anymore. Seem to have had an almost complete creativity by-pass.
I was actually reading somewhere recently how in ancient times they used to try and put terrible dreams into the minds of their enemies to make them lose their heart for battle. Had you grown up in ancient times or simply a different culture I'm sure you would have made a fine seer indeed. Guess you'll just have to settle for being the sage you are in this one :-)
Usually with the Dysthymia it's just a long slow slide into the abyss for me with varying levels of disconnectedness. But sometimes, sometimes it's like someone sneaks in while I'm asleep and sucks all that is me out of my body and just leaves an empty shell. A thing that can't think, can't feel, but continues to apparently function in the world. It's those times that I grasp the threads of what others mean to me and hold on to them with all I'm worth. Hoping that just holding on will somehow pull me back to life.
I kind of get what you mean about Venus, and yeah I feel meaning and the sense of meaning slipping away at times but I try so hard to remember that just like Venus, just because I can't see it doesn't mean it isn't there. Even more sadly sometimes I don't see the meaning of things and people until it's too late and that makes me sad. People need to know they have meaning to others. Like the time and care you take in your responses to Alex has meaning to me. The fact that you come down to my level to talk with me means more than you know. And my friend, just like Venus, even when we can't see you, just knowing you are there means something to us, and we long for those moments when you appear above the horizon and choose to grace our skies on your journey.
Sometimes I worry that we are looking so hard for specific meaning, that we actually miss so much other meaning that is flowing around us. I worry about that.
Thank you for sharing with me -z, I really appreciate it.
poster:Damos
thread:561840
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20050910/msgs/567850.html