Posted by Damos on September 6, 2005, at 17:55:04
In reply to fracture, posted by alexandra_k on September 6, 2005, at 2:29:55
Hey,
When you asked how I was on another thread I just couldn't find the words to describe it - but you did, exactly.
Fragile, fractured, broken, tip-toeing along a razor thin edge of life. An enormous crack has appeared in my carefully crafted shell and stuff is pouring in. It's all out of control.
Everything is wrong and yet nothing really is. A crevasse appeared without my noticing and somehow I've fallen in and I can't see a way back to where I was or a way to the other side. Thoughts, emotions, feeling are flooding into the crack and I don't understand them or what to do with them.
Part of me desperately wants to find a way to crawl back into the past me cause that's what I know. It's discomfort is comfortable and comforting in a strange way and I hate admitting that. And I don't know this other me, he's a stranger and none of my old ways of dealing with the world work for him. I'm lost in the act of becoming and I fear you are too.
I worry that you can't dissociate because as much as part of you wants to, a greater part of you now doesn't want to. It wants to be here and now it wants to let stuff in that it used to shut out and shut down. And that must be very, very scary and frightening. I worry that you are fightening hard to stay being the you you've been told you are and at the same time to become the you you want to be and are already becoming. It's like the fracture has become safe and comfortable because the stretch to the possibilty of who you might be is just too far, feels too hard, is too scary cause it means letting go and giving up so much that has been held onto so tightly for so long. Limiting beliefs about ourselves.
I've felt those boulders moving too and I didn't like it one bit. My skin crawled just thinking about it. Things are changing and rearranging themselves deep within you and sometimes resisting the change only increases the internal disruption. You are so much braver and stronger than I am. Embrace the changes and allow yourself to become. Please Alex, you're like a beautiful flower trying to burst from the bud.
Please be okay my special, precious friend. please be okay. Curl up and cry, scream and shout, let some past stuff out so that there is room for new stuff, good stuff to come in.
((((((((((Alex))))))))))
poster:Damos
thread:551302
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20050807/msgs/551483.html