Posted by Toph on March 2, 2005, at 7:51:10
In reply to Re: Chapter 3 » Toph, posted by alexandra_k on March 2, 2005, at 0:35:39
I'm so flattered alex that you know me so well. Everyone tells me what a good Dad I have been for taking care of them while my first wife was at work, for staying at home during her affair, for seeing them four out of 7 days when I left, for not turning them against their mom, for waiting until they chose to want to live with me when I could have forced them because I was so desperate for them to come top me, for choosing a second wife who, dispite loving so much, would have left her if she couldn't also love my children. But it seems I will never forgive myself for getting sick and being immature and controlling and somehow so unattractive that my first wife stopped loving me, so that I had to leave that little boy who loved me more than life itself and who has lasting problems because he felt it was his fault no matter what everyone repeatedly told him. I can't express to you how painful it is to wriite this. No child should ever have to suffer such a wound that gets better but never heals.
No here's what is worse. After he learned to live with the pain, resentment began to surface. Being stupid I tried to control him. I lived vicariously through his baseball. To be honest, he chose baseball not me. He played it constantly with his friends and even pantomimed hitting his swing incessantly around the house. He became very good and I became overly invested in his success. Was chosen for the travelling team. Out of a hundred kids who had played little leaguge their whole childhood he made the freshman team in high school he got a vasity letter as the starting first basemen as a junior. And then he quit. He fell in love with this beautiful girl and tried to hurt me the most powerful way he could, he walked away from baseball like I had walked away from him. I was too stupid to understand, I only thought of myself and the money he would cost me without a scholarship. He began to drink. I was losing my son but I got hung up in control issues. I was actually driving him away from me. I even underestimated his intelligence. He scored well on his boards despite my lack of confidence in him and he made it into the University of Colorado to get far away from me. When I took him there I couldn't believe how sad it was for me when I had to turn away as he eagerly started school. I felt like such a failure. I can barely type this. Now I see him so independent I am ashamed that I am jealous of him. Oh, I am proud too. He is alright dispite me. I wish I could forgive myself for hurting my son even though I had no other choice. I deserve his resentment and I am incompetent to fix it. I know its not my fault I got sick but nothing will ever make me stop hating myself for being such a failure to the people who needed me most.
poster:Toph
thread:459162
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20050211/msgs/465375.html