Posted by Jai Narayan on September 12, 2004, at 8:13:55
In reply to Re: Mummy’s Little Shadow - Triggering, posted by vwoolf on September 11, 2004, at 15:14:52
Thanks for asking why I am scared in the dark.
I have been trying to tease that out of me for years.
At one point I couldn't sleep with the light off.
I tried and as soon as I would turn the light on I would fall asleep.
Something happened to me while I was asleep.
All my life I have been vigilant.
I have done EMDR to work through most of my vigilance.
Some of it lingers still.
>It has left me completely without boundaries of a sexual nature though. I confuse any kind of friendliness with sexual attraction, so I keep offering myself sexually to anyone I find kind or pleasing in any way, male or female.* I remember my first real conscious reaction to a man who I had unbidden desire for. He was the “type” I would pick. He was energetically similar to my perpetrator. He had a kind of agitation and intensity in his body and eyes. He didn’t even have to speak I could pick him out in a crowd. He was slightly shaking, tight, with lots of fear in the eyes and over sexualized.
>I then take no pleasure in what happens, because I am reliving the experience with my father. Quite bizarre.
*Really not bizarre at all. We try to work it out with the new person but it never can be worked out that way. The perpetrator left his imprint on us and we want to be healthy and happy and want to work this problem out. Until I became totally conscious of my “shame” I couldn’t do anything except repeat the act in so many variations. Like I was stuck in a groove. Once I became conscious I began to work hard with a few therapists and I did get some measure of recovery. It is possible.
>I have felt so much shame about this over the years without ever understanding why. I wonder if other incest survivors feel the same.
* shame is a common feeling we incest survivors share. Maybe the perp. said something to make us shut up. Shame does go away when you move through the recovery with a good T you trust.
I did my best work with a man I trusted. It was quite hard to trust a man. You can imagine. But I found a wonderful therapist and pushed through all the painful and revolting sensations, feelings...to become a much happier and healthier person.
poster:Jai Narayan
thread:389258
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20040828/msgs/389928.html