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Re: UPDATE - LONG - PT2 - feedback please » happykat

Posted by liliths on January 3, 2007, at 8:32:38

In reply to Re: UPDATE - LONG - PT2 - feedback please, posted by happykat on December 30, 2006, at 18:13:45

hi happykat

(and boy do I wish I were a happy kat! :)

thank you so much for checking in on me... to be honest, I'm barely hanging on by a thread these days... haven't been able to post even when I've had something to say

2 weeks left till my 'trial' and life's just a ticking time bomb. If they contact my pdoc and he 'reveals' his rantings, I am in BIG trouble. His 'version' of the events in 2004 are totally wrong and I had consulted my therapist before my evaluation to determine what I was legally obligated to disclose about it.

What I had was a regression... and in that regressed state, I did try to kill myself. But in that state, all I did was take a few sleeping pills and put a plastic bag over my head. I didn't take enough pills to O.D. - I wasn't trying to - I really believed if I could just fall asleep, I'd suffocate. It was the thinking of an 8 year old. I have also been a 'cutter' and I was NOT attempting to kill myself by 'cutting my wrists', but simply acting out. I went to the emergency room of my own volition - actually on the urging of a friend who was concerned I might need stitches. They didn't bother to do any and all they gave me was some charcoal to push the sleeping pills out of my system faster. I was never admitted into the hospital. Yes, they placed me in one of those 'holding facilities' (quite far from the hospital) until I could speak to a psychologist in the morning (since it was night), who then immediately released me and I was there for less than 12 hours - much less. According to my therapist, this did not meet the criteria for 'being hospitalized' or held - there was no Baker Act - it wasn't a 'serious' attempt but the state of a confused child and I was under no obligation to report it in my evaluation. I went into intensive therapy to deal with it

But my pdoc's version makes it and me sound VERY dangerous and if he's allowed to rant about it to PRN or to the board, one of the very first things I'll be hit with was my ommision of this in my evaluation and I'll have to defend myself... and ultimately, the end result will be that it will scare the board regardless of what I say and I could, in fact, be denied a license because of it

to have the very doctor you expected to back you up, behave so irrationally is a heinous experience... to say I feel betrayed is an understatement. To think he could lose perspective of the big picture over his 'indignation' of PRN tampering with his prescribing rights simply makes no sense. How could he possibly think what he wrote would help make his case? His own office staff admitted to me they were shocked and advised me not to use the letter, as it was so inflammatory

sorry for ranting - I feel like the bug in kafka's 'metamorphisis'

thank you for your kind words about my letter. I did my best to make my case and backed it up with abstracts, articles etc.

that said, best case scenario (meaning my pdoc's ranting is never brought to light) is still most likely that the board will go with PRN's recommendations... if only to cover their *sses

and still leaves me with a 'conditional' red-flagged license and numerous 'surprise' drug tests - at my own expense of course!!

though the reason for being conditional is confidential, I think I'd almost be better off if it weren't. Really, who's going to think it's because I'm being treated for depression? Most likely they will assume either some criminal activity or a substance abuse problem.

I haven't been able to find an atty even remotely interested or willing to take this on as a case. Most simply don't even understand it, as it is not what they usually deal with as employent discrimination. I was, however, advised to not pursue it until my board reveiw was over. But all preliminary calls yeilded a big fat zero. I can't afford an atty and there wasn't one in sight that thought there was anything they could do. Whether PRN is bigger in this state than I knew, that maybe they're a big dog nobody wants to take on, IS a possibility

in the meantime, I've cut my dose of hydrocodone by half. Though I'm sure it has exacerbated my depression, truthfully, going back up on it now isn't going to fix anything. This is one of those experiences medication just can't fix. External circumstances that render me helpless and shamed carry too much weight

I just want to die. And PLEASE, before you become concerned, I have wanted to die for so long, that even my current obsession with it is most likely just my need to feel in control of a life gone wrong. Add to that my responsibility to my aging cat, and I'm not going anywhere soon.

as usual, I apologize for going on so... I guess I let the genie out of the bottle

thanks again for checking on me

how have you been?
Hope all is well in your world!!!!
and I do love your name :)

namaste,
lilith

> lilliths,
>
> I'm just now getting caught up on everything that has been going on with you. I hope you are doing well and that things are working out. This really has been so unfair to you! :(
>
> I like your letter alot better than what you said your pdoc wrote. Did you ever find an atty? Let me know how you're doing.
>
> Regards,
> happykat :)


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URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/work/20061208/msgs/718821.html