Posted by Caper on June 16, 2004, at 1:46:15
In reply to Re: children of alcoholics- advice for me as a mom? » Caper, posted by antigua on June 15, 2004, at 23:44:57
Thank you very much for taking the time to reply. The opinions of people who grew up with an alcoholic parent are the ones whose opinions carry the most weight with me, and I want to do the very best I can while I'm trying to beat this.
I'm relieved you agree that I was probably right to tell him. And the reasons you specified were the reasons that convinced me I should in the first place.
And I have told my son, "honey I wish so much I could guarantee you I'll never do it again but I can't. All I can do is try my best. I know it doesn't make sense to you that I could still do something i know is bad for me and hurts everyone. I can't really even explain it to myself sometimes, but I will try my very best to get better." Do you think that was okay?
Regarding children's need to feel safe- again I agree completely and I just thank God that we are temporarily living with my parents again (after being on our own for 8 years). Even though it is not ideal and it was partly the stress of living with my parents that led me to turn to alcohol, I had so much going on that I think maybe I'd have become an alcoholic anyway, so at least my son never had to be alone with an alcoholic mother. He's the only grandchild and I practically have to _demand_ my rights to make his dinner or be the one who buys him some new toy he's really wanting. So he does have a lot of love surrounding him.
As far as your next couple of points regarding if my perceptions of others knowing I'm drinking or not, and whether my son feels comfortable bringing friends home....I thought hard about this for a few minutes and actually I truly do think I am being honest with myself about that. I drank as much as 6 bottles of wine or a liter of vodka a day at my worst and no one knew- not family, friends, my psychiatrist. When I finally "confessed" to being an alcoholic, people literally sometimes staggered and nearly fell over in shock. My mom kept asking "are you sure???" I think that I just developed such a high tolerance so fast that by the time I was truly hooked, I was drinking to maintain. Meaning I had to have it to avoid being sick. (I have terrible physical withdrawals, including hallucinations both tactile, visual and auditory.) So me drinking is still me. I get no high off of it anymore, don't stumble, slur my speech, fall asleep from it. At one of my first detoxes I actually was nearly turned away because they didn't believe I was drunk until they got the blood alcohol level back. (How ironic is that? Trying to convince someone you ARE an alcoholic wasn't something I thought people would ever have to do!)
As far as my son's friends being around me, he seems to have no qualms whatsoever. Since I had him at a fairly young age (barely 21) I've nearly always been far younger than his friends' mothers and somehow that has seemed to give me a certain appeal to his friends. Plus I've always gotten along really well with boy children, especially at this age. Call me on it if you read any sort of inconsistency or apparent denial in this answer though.
I appreciate your answering me and you were not harsh at all- it was exactly the type of honest feelings I was needing to hear. Thank you also for your good wishes- I'm getting things in order over the next few days so I can go to a new detox that's been highly recommended by several doctors I trust. Plus my therapist today told me that she sensed a change in me, that she felt I might truly be "ready" this time. I think (and oh how I hope) she is right.
How are YOU doing?
Take care,
Caper
> I'll take a stab at this, but they are only my opinions, based on my experiences. For the record, both my parents were alcoholics, but my mother was one later in life after her divorce. She's been sober for 12 years now, and my father drank for probably 40 years and quit about 5 yrs before he died.
>
> 1. Did I do the right thing in acknowledging the alcoholism?
>
> I think so. He knows something is going on and kids always think it's their fault, that they are the cause of your anguish. Or they think you're going to die. Remember, their world revolves solely around them, especially at that age. That said, I've also warned my own children at great length about the genetic components of alcoholism and how they, too, are going to have to watch themselves. Just try not to promise to get better. Say you'll try, but don't make a promise you don't know if you can keep yet. Breaking promises is one of the most difficult traits for a kid to handle.
>
> 2. Did your parents acknowledge they had a problem with alcohol?
>
> Nope, not until afterwards. They always denied it. "I just like to drink," or "It just makes me relax." After they both got sober, they began to get an inkling of what they were really like. They didn't have a clue about how bad they were, especially from a child's point of view. Kids need to feel safe and know that you can take care of them. I never felt that safety when my parents were drinking.
>
> 3. What can I DO (besides getting sober and staying that way, of course) to help my son or to make it easier on him?
>
> I think you've hit it--quitting of course would be best, but I know how tough that is. I think being honest with them and yourself is the next most important thing. Is your son comfortable bringing friends home? Being embarrassed of our family is natural when we are young, but kids in alcoholic homes have that extra burden of never knowing how their parent will behave. Kids just want to fit in.
>
> 4. I drink a LOT when I relapse severely, but it's a steady, all day drinking. I've never once passed out or blacked out or even had anyone say to me- you're drunk aren't you? Does this help at all? For my son I mean.
>
> Are you sure your perception is accurate? Kids notice very subtle differences and changes in our moods. He'll catch on sooner or later, I guarantee you.
>
> I'm sorry if these answers are harsh. I quit because of my kids, because I don't want to see that look in their eyes.
>
> Quitting is so very hard, and I wish you the best,
> antigua
poster:Caper
thread:356786
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20040604/msgs/357110.html