Posted by antigua on June 15, 2004, at 23:44:57
In reply to children of alcoholics- advice for me as a mom? » partlycloudy, posted by Caper on June 15, 2004, at 22:03:03
I'll take a stab at this, but they are only my opinions, based on my experiences. For the record, both my parents were alcoholics, but my mother was one later in life after her divorce. She's been sober for 12 years now, and my father drank for probably 40 years and quit about 5 yrs before he died.
1. Did I do the right thing in acknowledging the alcoholism?
I think so. He knows something is going on and kids always think it's their fault, that they are the cause of your anguish. Or they think you're going to die. Remember, their world revolves solely around them, especially at that age. That said, I've also warned my own children at great length about the genetic components of alcoholism and how they, too, are going to have to watch themselves. Just try not to promise to get better. Say you'll try, but don't make a promise you don't know if you can keep yet. Breaking promises is one of the most difficult traits for a kid to handle.
2. Did your parents acknowledge they had a problem with alcohol?
Nope, not until afterwards. They always denied it. "I just like to drink," or "It just makes me relax." After they both got sober, they began to get an inkling of what they were really like. They didn't have a clue about how bad they were, especially from a child's point of view. Kids need to feel safe and know that you can take care of them. I never felt that safety when my parents were drinking.
3. What can I DO (besides getting sober and staying that way, of course) to help my son or to make it easier on him?
I think you've hit it--quitting of course would be best, but I know how tough that is. I think being honest with them and yourself is the next most important thing. Is your son comfortable bringing friends home? Being embarrassed of our family is natural when we are young, but kids in alcoholic homes have that extra burden of never knowing how their parent will behave. Kids just want to fit in.
4. I drink a LOT when I relapse severely, but it's a steady, all day drinking. I've never once passed out or blacked out or even had anyone say to me- you're drunk aren't you? Does this help at all? For my son I mean.
Are you sure your perception is accurate? Kids notice very subtle differences and changes in our moods. He'll catch on sooner or later, I guarantee you.
I'm sorry if these answers are harsh. I quit because of my kids, because I don't want to see that look in their eyes.
Quitting is so very hard, and I wish you the best,
antigua
poster:antigua
thread:356786
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20040604/msgs/357099.html