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children of alcoholics- advice for me as a mom? » partlycloudy

Posted by Caper on June 15, 2004, at 22:03:03

In reply to Being alike » Caper, posted by partlycloudy on June 15, 2004, at 14:14:52

Partlycloudy and antigua,

Thank you both so much for your honesty regarding what you went through as children. Because as much as it hurts to hear it, people like me _need_ to hear it very much, to face up to the damage they will do to their children.

I cried again(!) while reading both your posts because I do NOT want to hurt my son. I know I am though, even though I'm a fairly recent alcoholic and was never abusive or mean or even noticeably drunk around him. But my drinking has definitely hurt him anyway, I try not to kid myself about that. I was already chronically depressed and then I added on the alcohol. Last summer we couldn't do as much of any of the things we used to do because I knew I couldn't drive and I constantly had to make excuses and I ... I could go on and on but I'm sure you get my meaning.

I'm actually crying pretty hard right now but trying to keep it together to get your advice. My son is 10 years old and and I think it was in January that I finally realized I had to tell him straight out- Mom is an alcoholic now, that's part of the reason I keep having to go to hospitals.

I was advised to do this by therapists, who told me that he probably knew more than I thought he did already anyway, and that if he didn't know specifically about the alcohol (turns out he didn't) he would still be wondering, worrying etc., and that it was best to be honest.

He took it really well and was very sweet, but when I've relapsed (the times he has known of anyway)-- oh, the look in his eyes when he's found out! To see my baby, my buddy, the whole reason I'm still alive, look at me with a combination of intense love and hurt and disgust and confusion and mistrust (and knowing it was my own fault) is probably the worst pain I've ever experienced.

So my questions to you both (and any other child of an alcoholic) are:

1. Did I do the right thing in acknowledging the alcoholism? Admitting it, trying my best to explain addiction, telling him he had every right to be angry with me but that I was trying very hard to get better?

2. Did your parents acknowledge they had a problem with alcohol?

3. What can I DO (besides getting sober and staying that way, of course) to help my son or to make it easier on him? I guess what I'm asking is can you think of anything your parents could have done or not done or done differently that would have made it a little easier on you?

4. I drink a LOT when I relapse severely, but it's a steady, all day drinking. I've never once passed out or blacked out or even had anyone say to me- you're drunk aren't you? Does this help at all? For my son I mean. Are your worst memories those of the blackouts/passing out/doing something embarassing in front of you and your friends (when you did bring them around)?

I'm not asking for absolution here, really. I know I've hurt him, but if anyone has any thoughts on what could help me to make things as easy on him as possible until I finally beat this addiction, I'd be grateful.

Thanks and best wishes to everyone.

Caper


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