Posted by partlycloudy on June 15, 2004, at 14:14:52
In reply to Re: that alcoholism thing (sigh) » partlycloudy, posted by Caper on June 15, 2004, at 13:30:25
Caper, your reply post made me cry. Guess it's a weepy kind of day. I am touched that you can see yourself in my story. I think at one level or another, many of our stories will be familiar. it's been many, many years, however, since anyone referred to me as "classy", so thank you for that, too.
You're right, I don't drink 1/4 as much as I used to in my heyday. I also can't tolerate the alcohol as well, either. I can see how much better I am doing, but that next morning when you wake up and think that perhaps dying might be better than how you feel; when the hangover lasts 12 to 16 hours (a sign of age and conflicting with my meds); when your entire digestive system rebels at the abuse you're putting it through; well, that's when I get down on myself.
You know how you have a little devil on one shoulder and a little angel on the other (I always pictured them as Jerry from Tom and Jerry)? I think my angel took a hike when I wasn't looking, a long time ago. And I'm trying to conjure a new one.
Tonight I start EMDR therapy. I am anxious, afraid, hopeful, excited, and optimistic. (I think that's more pluses than minuses.) Last night I couldn't get to sleep and I swear, I swear, that I saw my life race through my head. Not just the memory things from looking at old photographs, but very particular incidents reran through my head.
I remember my father passing out in the lazy-boy chair that was busted and wouldn't close anymore. It smelled so disgusting even the cat wouldn't try to scratch it. I remember many evenings when he wouldn't be able to make it up to bed and would be draped on the sofa, so I was always afraid of asking any kids over after school, in case he'd already be there. I remember when he had his drivers license suspended for a DUI (this was the good old days), and he had my brother drive him to and from work every day. I remember how much my brother hated being wed to dad's needs. I remember my father's business partners who were exactly like him. They'd cover for each other whenever one of them would have a "lost weekend". I remember when my dad missed Christmas one year and bought everyone 1/2 price cheesy presents in the after holiday sale. I remember keeping that gift, unopened, until I left home. I remember when my mother finally left the marriage and I was the only one of 4 kids left living at home. My grades dropped and I barely graduated high school. University was out of the question. I became my father's caregiver until I married and ran away from home. far away, to another country.
I remember when my dad became ill with cancer and he accepted the news with an equanimity that enraged me. It's like he looked forward to the end. I remember sitting with him before he went into the hospital to die, rubbing his too-boney back and smelling the pungent odour of death and decay all around him. I remember my siblings sitting on the far side of the room, unable to approach and comfort him. I was able to make my peace with him, tell him I loved him and that I would miss him.
He died when he was 53 years old, in 1985.
I don't want his life. I decided not to have children so this cr*p shoot of a gene pool would end. I didn't want to give anyone on this earth memories like I have.
poster:partlycloudy
thread:356786
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20040604/msgs/356943.html