Posted by corafree on March 24, 2006, at 1:59:41
In reply to No » corafree, posted by Susan47 on March 21, 2006, at 12:19:46
Susan47:
I can't believe that you 'get me and my life' so well. I must have really spilled my guts. I ran to this computer and just layed it all out on all of you.
You're right .. in my fam', I've always gone to the extreme joy or to the gut-wrenching sadness for my fam' to 'get a clue' about what is happening, and it's no deliberate display .. it's innate in me. I've expressed they're desires because they didn't want to be held responsible for rocking the boat. Oh yes, it is soooo hard to 'hold it all' that sometimes I just collapse, as I did.
I think my father knew this to be true about me, and that was why he loved me so much. He and I were the 'free spirits', almost kindred spirits, but, but, I put myself out there, when even he didn't. Maybe he saw this the way you do. Maybe that's why he loved me and why I miss his love so much.
Another online friend recommended I read the book called 'The Family' (Searched and found one by Mario Puzo .. not sure if that is it or not. Apparently it's about the different roles the members of a fam' play.)
When you said,
> we are full of love, cf, enough to be rejected and say "I understand" because this grief isn't easy for me to bear, so I can understand how you wouldn't want any part of it, as they didn't.<
You may give me a little too much credit.
Sometimes I've lost my temper and said, "Why won't anyone validate this grief .. I'm grieving too long? ... But I didn't see you grieve at all! ... Where is your sadness? ... What are you so scared of? Do you even know? Do you think you will die if you feel?" My mother has very many times told me, "Don't cry." I think she really believes that crying will harm me.
It's funny (not), when I display no feelings (hold them in somehow? put tape over my mouth? just promise myself not to speak for 10min! or exhaust myself to sleep!) they're sort of lost!
I'm always saying, "I'm sorry for crying or I'm sorry for needing you or just sorry, sorry, sorry."
Then I (yes), and they (of course) feel I've done something wrong, so the whole thing shifts to being about me having a mental illness.
You've lifted a lot of weight off my shoulders tonight and it sure feels good. I don't want to be perfect like them .. it wouldn't be real.
Lately I have felt 'persecution'; like I must pay for something that is wrong, but I can't figure out what it is I've done. It is horrible thinking that fam' or friends (ex) (Oh, but I would welcome them back.) enjoy seeing me in pain. And, I've thought kind of what you just said here so well. And, I've also wondered if that is why God put me here. This is near 'supernatural'.
Yesterday all I could think about was how everyone here had come to my aid. See, I feel bad about that. It's just become a habit.
It is very sad that good people cannot see how much they are 'breaking' another's heart.
Yes they do think I'm weak and crazy and prob' lazy because now I'm not working. I think I'll step back for a few days now and give myself a break.
Again, yesterday, I was awaiting phone calls, trying to talk w/ P .. w/ case manager .. asking for a T closer to my age, and taking care of some other responsibilities, and apologize for not getting online (Did I at all? It's late. Back hurts. Trying to make sense.).
I think I posted that I was ok. I should have responded then to followups. Do I have to say, "I'm sorry?" (I'm hearing, "NO YOU DON'T!")
Your post was like a poem .. I'm printing it and keeping it in my nightstand drawer. You validated me; something my fam' and some others will not do.
I hope my new T will help me to see that these things about me are good. If not, I'll just have to read your post everyday!
Thank you, isn't enough.
lovecf
poster:corafree
thread:622576
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060318/msgs/624068.html