Posted by sunny10 on March 15, 2005, at 12:32:11
In reply to Re: thanks, AuntieMel and antigua » sunny10, posted by antigua on March 15, 2005, at 8:42:51
put myself first;that's something I have NEVER managed to do...
After on again/off again therapy over the past twenty years, I STILL manage to lose myself in EVERY relationship. Doesn't matter whether it's a sexual relationship or not...My "caring" always leads to "rescuing", which is impossible and I am always hurt- by ME!
My SO's and T's over the years have always thought that I hated myself and that's not true... I never cared enough about myself to HATE-hate is an emotion that takes energy and I have been told time and time again that I am not really worth the energy...Therapists tell me that I simply have to "cope", but no one ever tells me how to learn to live and not just "cope with life". Even THEY want me to just please them. SO's tell me to "get over it and grow up" to please THEM. My current SO asked me last night if I will ever feel any better. Begs the question, "does he want me to be happy, or am I just too much work and he wants to know when he can expect to stop dealing with outbursts".
Now twenty years and four hospitalizations later, I AM beginning to hate myself. Everyone keeps telling me that ALL of my "problematic relationships are my fault" due to "faulty programming or the inability to pick any good people in my life" but that I should just "use the coping skills I've been taught and I'll stop hurting other people with my suicide attempts"and "finally pick a good person"...
First of all, the coping skills work to "keep others happy with me", but if my problem has always been having to please others (and it is impossible to please someone ALL the time)have I REALLY gotten anything out of therapy???
Second of all, the skills are just more exhausting work and after years, then months, now (apparently) weeks, I explode from all of the pressure of "using the skills- no matter what I feel because I logically know that the feelings are wrong". I am getting old-er and tire more easily. I'm not old, but I'm not twenty anymore, either.
I read your "when is enough enough" post and I must say that I've been thinking that a lot lately- and not just about therapy.
I've been doing a lot of reading and the more I read, the more I sound like a codependent borderline personality. Or maybe I'm just a hypochondriac, or maybe I'm just plain crazy!!! Not all of the traits belong to me, but a lot do. But then, so does BiPolar, Unipolar [what's the difference between a hypomanic (erratic behavior)episode and flipping out when the energy for coping skills runs out, anyway?], now parts of NPD, too, from "abusee becoming abuser" due to lack of anger-management skills (at which point does major depression and suicide ideation become manipulation; even if it is not just a threat?).
I am a beast, apparently, not fit to relate to ANYONE. Or, at least that's what the reading tells me!
What's left for me to think?
poster:sunny10
thread:469243
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050305/msgs/471296.html