Posted by AuntieMel on March 16, 2005, at 13:12:18
In reply to Re: Susan47 antigua (poss trigger), posted by sunny10 on March 16, 2005, at 7:51:43
> If it's true that I am a codependent personality, then the situation I'm in is as much my fault as it is my SO's. That's fact.
>Ok, so if you are - and I'm not saying you are - you can still help yourself. You can still heal yourself. I personally think codependent is just an overused label.
>
> I have thought about an Al-Anon meeting- I have already looked them up in my area. Hmm, not a lot in my area, either!!! But the truth is, either I figure out how to be me and leave them (family and SO) to figure out how to help themselves or I figure out that this is, indeed, as good as it gets and bail. I just can't stand the hardwork and daily pain of it all anymore. I need to deal with MY problems, not his.Either leave them or accept it? How about a third option. You can come to terms with it while healing yourself, which will make you stronger so you can be supportive if and when they decide to help themselves.
>
> Twenty-one years of this crap is exhausting and I really can't even stomach the thought of another thirty,forty, or fifty of it until I die of natural causes.
>
> That's not a life. Not one worth living. And if anything brought this line of thinking to light, it is what's going on with my father. He knows quality of life vs quantity. He chooses quality and it is understandable because he is eighty- the doctors may not agree, but they understand. I chose quality and because I'm 37, society labels me "selfish" and nobody understands. They immediately tell me to use meds- become someone else that is "acceptable"; mostly because I become numb and quiet. The feelings are still inside, but the meds keep me quiet, sleepy, and docile, so no one has to "deal with me". And the sleepy minded person is not me.
>I don't know what the 21 years were or anything about your father so I can't say anything about that.
But what the heck is wrong with chosing quality of life at any age? And if taking care of yourself is considered selfish .......... sorry, can't use those words on babble.
If you care to email me my email is also my posting name and I am on gmail dot com.
>
> How do I "experience and get past" (writing down and telling stories until it doesn't hurt to think about it- desensitization they call it) if I can't remember much of anything?
>
> It's supposed to be a pivotal part of codependent AND borderline recovery... but I only have a basic outline of a memory. How does one "remember" emotional abuse and neglect? The neglect is non-action, thus no "memory" and the emotional abuse I ran from (to my room, out of the house, to my friends' houses, et cetera) and apparently buried the actual incidents because I can't remember WHAT I was running from, exactly...
>
> Eeeeekkk. If I can't remember, does that mean I can't get better?No it doesn't. I'm sure you remember the feelings without remembering the details.
Once I finally started trusting my therapist I started telling him about the emotional abuse I got from my father. No one thing isolated would be considered all that bad which always made me wonder if I was over-reacting. But I listed them, didn't expound on them at all, just the facts, one after the other, never repeating, just listing.
It took weeks. And I know I did'nt remember them all. But I finally felt in my gut that by gosh I *was* abused.
In AA one of the steps is to write down all your resentments, large and small, what happened and how it felt. For most people it takes pages and pages. After that you are supposed to read it aloud so you and another person can hear it. It really does help. After I did it with my therapist I felt like it was in better perspective and I could start to let go of the pain.
poster:AuntieMel
thread:469243
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050316/msgs/471709.html