Posted by sunny10 on March 17, 2005, at 9:30:28
In reply to Re: Susan47 antigua (poss trigger) » sunny10, posted by Susan47 on March 16, 2005, at 20:27:44
I also believe that codependent or love addict is just a label...but if that's what they're calling when the abused becomes the abuser, then that's what they're calling it. I do not aspire to be an abuser in life. That's unacceptable to me.
When I mentioned "leaving them to figure out their own problems", I meant leaving them alone- no crying, no begging, no nagging, no anxious outbursts, et cetera... not necessarily leaving them physically. I suppose it's not coincidental that I am willing to physically leave my family of origin who sculpted me, and helped to create my now innate reactions to stressors. But I should not leave the person who became my victim. It's time for me to make my amends to my victim as my family will not make theirs to me; their victim. I have to be the "big" person, here, and offer my apologies even though I have not received any- because the fact is that I probably never will receive any! I don't want to become them.
Codependent or not, love addicted or not, or whatever label anyone wants to apply to what I have become- none of that is my SO's fault. Yes, he is having a harder time than he thought (and thus I thought), but my reaction to it has more to do with the way I've been trained to think(family or origin AND self-nurtured hatred;I'm not interested in placing blame). He's not entirely blameless, but it's not his fault that I react the way I do. It's his own reactions that are his problem, not my reactions.
I've been giving a lot of thought to my internal dynamics at the time when I "let him into my life". I was on my own. I was taking care of myself, I was working, I had the same stressors as any other human and was working on dealing with them by myself. I didn't "need" another relationship. I didn't want anyone to rescue my as I have in the past. I was stronger, allowed myself to have fun and be fun, and I wasn't taking sh*t from anyone. We had months of happiness. But as soon as he ignored me and deceived me in order to do drugs, I freaked out. I started checking his pants pockets to prove to myself that I wasn't crazy for thinking he was using all the time; basically acting suspicious and hateful night and day- no wonder he was pulling away from me and he used yet again! He admitted that it happened again because he does have an underlying fear of commitment- but I wasn't making "commitment" a very positive idea, was I? (unless of course we're talking about institutionalizing me!)
His fear brought MY own fear of abandonment into my line of thinking and I started punishing him for "hurting me".
I'm not saying, at all, that everything was my fault. He is not a good communicator, he uses drugs which scares me, and he pushes MY buttons as revenge when I am hurting him- then I do it right back... a never ending cycle.
So I have decided that I cannot change whether or not he snorts stuff up his nose. I CAN change how I act and REACT to him.
And perhaps if we can relax in one another's company (by me not allowing myself to perpetuate stupid arguments), we can start over and fix our feelings about the other. Maybe I can be fun again and maybe he will become too busy being happier in our relationship that at least one urge to snort(because his spirits need lifting- he has admitted to self-medicating) will dissipate.
That is not to say that I am resposible for his feelings and can MAKE him stop this way- but at the very least I will take "me being part of the problem" out of the equation.
If things don't change, and I have made all of the changes that I can, I will have to re-evaluate whether the relationship as a long-term thing is a good idea for me or not.
But I can't make that decision without at least doing my part. Whether he picks up the ball and runs with it, too, will be up to him.
In August, we plan to start looking at the practical aspects of moving to Hawaii. Transporting my vehicle, his motorcycle, et cetera. At that time, I will find out WHEN these plans must be cemented (monies paid, et cetera). That will give me my timeframe as to when I will decide whether I feel he has shown the willingness to improve our relationship, too. I cannot afford to lose money if this relationship won't survive.
I think that is what other people were talking about on the pyschology board thread about accepting. I am accepting that I have made mistakes, too. I am accepting responsibility for my part in our problems. I accept that I have to make changes in myself. I am accepting that I cannot change him (and that, frankly, I wouldn't want to. Part of what makes me love him is the strengths of his convictions. He says his goal is to stop using- if his convictions are as strong as I believe they are, he'll stop on his own- it's drugs; hard to stop; he's human, he won't be able to beat it right away. If they're not strong enough to beat the drugs, or accept help in beating them, then I have to accept that I was wrong about him.)I do not accept being a "slave" to a drug user for the rest of my life. I accept that if that is what he chooses to be, I will have to move on.
Does that sound better? I am doing reading to allow myself to remain calm and to learn how to deal with my internal anger so that I don't allow myself to blow up again. If I continue to do the reading (and do some of the exercises), I should be able to train myself to stay in the moment and stop reacting with fear/anger left over from my childhood. This, too, will take time and I am human, so I will have slipups, just like he has. Any habit is hard to break.
Wish me luck and let me know if you think I need to look at something another way. I admit to succumbing to "tunnel vision" from time to time and I need to change that, too! That's where the suicidal thinking comes from... In the moment, in the moment, in the moment... that's my current mantra...
poster:sunny10
thread:469243
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050316/msgs/471982.html