Posted by AuntieMel on March 11, 2005, at 10:16:43
In reply to Re: what I learned at family night (longish), posted by sunny10 on March 10, 2005, at 15:20:24
All right. I'll expound a bit. I'm probably not as good as the wonderful woman running the family night, but I'll try.
> > Anger is absolutely normal. You've been living with lies and cleaning up his messes for a while.
> >
> ---- So I'm not crazy for being mad that I was lied to??? Good to know...No, not crazy. In fact - from reading what you put out here and what I've seen in family - you barely even score on the anger meter.
> > If a stranger were to walk into the house he would think the user acted normal and the non-user was the crazy one.
> >
> ---------yes, I'm afraid I am being the crazy one...No, not *being* the crazy one. Just *acting* the crazy one.
>
> > While the user is addicted to drugs, the family member is addicted to the user. If you ask the family member 'what do you like to do' they usually can't answer you with anything they personally like. The user doesn't have that problem.
> >
> ----- Crap, once again you're right on; I have no hobbies except reading (sitting in a corner quietly... escapism from reality, really, more than a "hobby")Well then, first step to taking care of yourself is to develop some interests of your own. Or some together with your son. How old is he?
>
> > As part of the recovery process the family member needs to change also. Where before he had control of the bills, house, everything - he will need to learn to share that responsibility.
> >
> ---- Funny, I've been wondering when/if co-mingling of funds would ever happen. It used to really bother me that "he didn't trust me"... but, to be honest, the rent is getting paid, there is food on the table, and I'm not sure that I "trust HIM" enough for that now!Well, this is something that needs to wait until he's serious about quitting and has quit for a good while. Giving a cokehead control of money isn't a smart thing to do. You may as well make a bonfire of it.
And, for a cokehead, cash is the pocket is a huge trigger. Even if he has been clean for a while.
>
> > Trust is hard to get back, but it helps if the family member does allow the (ex)user to earn that trust back. The person in recovery also needs to realize that they earned distrust over a long period of time and it will not come back overnight.
> >
> -------- How do I learn to "allow it to be earned back" when I am completely paranoid now?? (Really, I am asking for your advice, here, not trying to be a wisea**...)I didn't think you were being a wisebut. This is the hardest thing to work on. You have a perfect right to be distrustful right now. And - it's not paranoia, it's a learned behavior, self defense.
Trust is a gradual thing, to be earned. When he does things to show he is trustworthy it will be necessary to *gradually* give it to him. It's a balancing act. For yourself, you will feel the need to keep your guard up and that is understandable. But there is a line between protecting yourself and harboring too much anger and wanting revenge.
I think for now that can be put back burner. There are other more immediate things to work on.
> >
> ----This hasn't happened... mainly when he HAS used, he is "having some alone-time"; basically, we are both in the house and he is ignoring me. HE knows now that I can tell when he's using by his facial expressions and actions, so now he avoids me for the whole evening (like I don't know now that THAT is the telling action!)Ha! You are describing me to a tee. I didn't go out and party at all. It was all at home. And I could down half a bottle of vodka, look hubby straight in the eye (I thought) and deny it.
> --- He has no messes other than lying and deceiving me. He is not an addict that misses work, falls down stoned, et cetera- just one that is alienating me.I didn't miss work either. But don't downplay the messes he is making. It isn't "just you" - it's his whole personal life outside of work. That's a pretty big mess.
> >
> ---The only way I can be "gentle and caring" in this example is to condone his actions; which I am unwilling to do...
>No, I disagree there. You should never condone his actions. But that is not the same as condemning hime personally.
If I were the lady running family night the things I would tell you to do (which you can ignore if you want):0) Start with calmly stating that you love him, but you hate his drug use.
1) Never, never try to have a conversation with him when he's using. You aren't talking to him, you are talking to the drugs and the addiction. Trying to reason with him at that point is a waste of time and breath. That is a good time to find something else to do that interests you. Drawing, sewing, gardening, talking on the phone with a friend, hanging with your son, etc.
2) Have a gentle, but firm talk with him sometime when he isn't using. Set a few reasonable boundaries. I would start with being sure your son is safe - have him agree to only use behind locked doors and to keep the drugs under lock and key. Present him with a locking box to put it in.
3) Tell him that it's the lying that you can't tolerate. The key to recovery is honesty. If you ask if he's using and he is you expect him to tell the truth. BUT - then if he *does* tell the truth, don't jump down his throat. Just calmly tell him that you don't condone it, but you appreciate his honesty.
If you are afraid you will lose it trying to say it, then write it down like a contract and give it to him.
Anyway, those seem small, but they are really huge. Running starts with baby steps, you know.
good luck - it's hard, I know.
(next post will be about some of the things you said to toph)
poster:AuntieMel
thread:469243
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050305/msgs/469652.html