Posted by EtktRide on April 22, 2004, at 1:28:18
May I whine for a moment?
I hate being human. Even worse is when I make a mistake that someone must speak to me about, and I know that I am wrong. I am embarrassed to the point of tears at having to hear them rightfully correct me. One part of my brain is grateful that they correct me so that I may learn and grow, but the other part of me replays the error over and over in my head, refusing to allow the embarrassment to subside. I have a crisis of self-esteem and then suddenly turn to other, external sources for reassurance that I am okay.
I want to be able to say that I made a mistake, that I will learn from it, and then let it go. WHY CAN I NOT LET THINGS GO? This evening shows me that I still have much growing to do. I still cannot let things go. I have been hiding from this issue and now, I see that it is still there. I need to go back into counseling. Especially if I hope to get a new job and be successful at it.
I spiral and let it grow into a three headed monster that starts to eat my self esteem. I have all these thoughts Oh man I screwed up
I got called on it and they are RIGHT
And they were so nice about it, but I am certain that they think I am an idiot
Why does my mouth always get me into trouble when I have such good intentions?
When am I going to learn self-control?
I cannot go back after such an embarrassment
I need external reassurance that I am actually okay
Oh I am so pathetic that I need external reassurance
Okay, I will give in and ask someone to tell me I am okay
They tell me I am ok but they dont really mean it, they are just being nice
Oh man, I screwed up
poster:EtktRide
thread:338644
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040414/msgs/338644.html