Posted by DaisyM on March 27, 2004, at 15:41:43
In reply to Help with office drama!, posted by gardenergirl on March 27, 2004, at 14:16:09
I don't know how I follow Racer but I have to try...
I lead a workshop called "Team Building For Women" so I *think* I might have something to share about this. Plus I'm the director of a staff of 32 - 31 of whom are women. We have REALLY tight space, I have the only private office. So hurt feelings, slights, messy kitchen melt downs are always in play around here.
First, I think you've done a tremendous job of trying to rationally explain what did happen. You've also listened to her point of view and were empathetic. The big clue is in her statement of feeling persecuted...this was inevitable if she is looking for it. So I would recommend one more attempt that goes like this:
"A - I feel the need to try one more time to clear the air around here. I don't want to rehash the details of who did what to whom...obviously we have hurt feelings and misunderstands all around. But, since we all have to work together in this office, it seems to me that it would be better for everyone if we could move past this. I'd like you to know that I hold no ill will for you and even admire "fill in the blank here". Please let me know if there is anything else I can do to help you get past it.
Then, stop talking. I totally agree with Racer that it will be uncomfortable for awhile and will feel "forced". But lots of little things can help, some of which will feel like sucking up.
1) put flowers on all 4 desks.
2) put some easter eggs on each desk (chocolate always helps)
3) Make quick, complimentary comments that don't call out for an answer - "nice shoes!" "Good color for you!"4) If you can pass on some compliment you heard from someone else about anyone in your office in front of her, or B or C, it goes along way to helping people reset their minds. "Hey, "B" I heard professor such and so say that you did a great job with client X. Good for you!" And so on.
There will be a million people who will tell you (and me) that behavior in this way is "weak" or whatever. But if a peaceful, professional environment is the goal, these little things go along way to lighten things up.
Finally, the Director in me says, you don't have to be friends with everyone you work with. And coworkers sometimes aren't all going to like you, or your friends. And this sucks, because we all want to be liked. But you CAN'T change an overtly hostile person who absorbs everything as hostile or "on purpose". Think about working with a paranoid client -- reality and facts do nothing to undo the conclusions that have already been drawn. Spending tons of time explaining things simply confirms to them that you are guilty and covering up. And it gets more and more frustrating for you.
Essentially I guess what I'm trying to say is that little things might make a difference but you might need to pretend for awhile that all is OK and ignore the random negative comments. Time will make things better, or "A" will choose to move out/on/whatever. Even if a supervisor is available to help "hear" both sides, at this point I think the facts are not what are important. Rather, it is her obvious feelings of being the outsider looking in. You can't help that nor can you fix it.
I'm sorry, GG, these situations are always hard. We all feel so high-schooly about them. I bet it must be especially hard in a therapy office, where understanding is suppose to reign supreme. *sigh* More proof that Therapist as "just" people like the rest of us.
Daisy
poster:DaisyM
thread:329117
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040324/msgs/329154.html