Posted by kara lynne on June 25, 2003, at 15:04:28
In reply to Hey, kara {{{hugs}}}, posted by kalyb on June 25, 2003, at 5:57:09
Hi kaly,
I hope things are better for you where you are living as well.Please forgive me, could you tell me again the title of the first book you recommended--and please give me your email address again. Everything I own or have written down is lost, in shambles or in boxes.
I'm trying hard to put one foot in front of another. I know I have to have some semblance of a self before I ever have hopes of being in a relationship that works.
God, this apartment is a nightmare. This couple (it's a cultural thing) above me just screams instead of speaking and stomps instead of walking. I guess the woman supports the louder of the two who is of course home and stomping and shouting all day in his exuberance. I do wear earplugs, but one doen't want to have to live with them. They're starting to hurt my ears.
I have to go out and get nails to batten down the screens so my scared little bunny-kitty doesn't hop away. She gives me a little purpose, anyway.
I'm trying to tell myself all things I want to hear from other people: I did the right thing, I won't feel this way forever, I am ok, I am not wrong and worthless and hopeless. I don't really want to die. But I don't believe me.
So my mind turns to useful things once more--imagining him in this new house I could have moved into with him if we had just held out a week or two more without the blowup. All the parties he'll have, everything I held him back from. The phantom woman who will slide into the picture and be everything I am not. I have such an elaborate self torturing method. I'm not proud of it--I feel like I'm churning in death throes. I wish it was the death throes of that pattern.
I feel like I've run a one woman marathon and slid exhausted and panting to the finish line. But for no reason--agony of de feet.
Thanks for listening, thanks for hugging.
poster:kara lynne
thread:236377
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030617/msgs/236986.html