Posted by shar on January 20, 2003, at 12:22:35
In reply to Re: Question re: Anger M Lee, posted by coral on January 19, 2003, at 15:25:40
Someone said something about being brutally honest when angry and that reminded me of a quote I read "the person who is brutally honest enjoys the brutality as much as the honesty."
Being in a typing mood, I figured I'd just express my own, very own, opinions and ideas on the topic.
I think that often when people get hurt by anger it's because we aren't talking about how WE feel (I'm angry that we don't spend enough time together) but about some feature we perceive in the *other* person (YOU don't care about our relationship, you say you do, but then ...). Two very different things, with different outcomes. I think the most honest expression of anger is "I'm pissed at you!"
It's very hard to keep things focused on one's own anger, what that's about, without jumping into the other person's head/heart/etc. UNLESS one is aware of the goal of the discussion. IOW, is the goal of expressing anger to let someone know how you are feeling inside, or is it to get revenge for feeling hurt or scared (lashing out)? BTW, IMHO, revenge is not a bad thing necessarily, but a very different goal.
Additionally, again IMHO, most often there is something underlying the anger. Usually fear, sometimes pain. And, anger often boils down to the other person not doing something we want, the absence of which scares us or threatens us in some way. I believe this also applies to cases of 'righteous anger.' So, we end up cutting someone to ribbons (which can be done calmly, sweetly, kindly, or while ranting) which is different (yet again, IMHO) than expressing anger. And, I think when we do this, the goal is often to get them to change so WE feel better, or give them 'food for thought' (which, after digesting, if they have the sense of a gnat, they will use to change themselves for the better).
The exception to this, IMHO (yet again!), is dealing with people who have some sort of (como se dice in politically correct terms?) mental problem that makes them sort of psycho. Like, dealing with an angry, drunk person is not the same as dealing with an angry balanced person. Or, some of the more debilitating mental illnesses that interfere with regular thought (schizophrenia might be one, or BP 2). In those instances, I think it rarely matters what we do, because it isn't a true dialogue.
To step in it one step further...in relationships, so 'they' say and IMHO, it is good to ask for what you want. However, when angry, we often end up asking for (or telling) what we don't want. Telling someone what we want means we're more likely to get it (depending on the relationship and the other person and their goals, etc.) because the other knows what we're talking about. Such as, "I don't want you to watch so much TV" or "we never talk" could be "I want to spend more time together" or, even better, "I want to spend three evenings a week together" and following that up, if the partner agrees, with what might be fun to do together, how to manage schedules, etc. This can work if everybody is pretty aboveboard with how they feel.
The way I dissect it, "I'm sick of you watching TV all the time" = "I feel lonely and rejected and miss you" = "I'm afraid we'll grow apart" = "I'm scared you'll leave." In our society, there is a lot of shame attached to being lonely, scared, feeling rejected...but, being angry is very acceptable. But, that's just my point of view.
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These opinions are my very own, culled from my experiences (and a ton of therapy), and I'm 'sharing' so I hope nobody will feel unduly imposed upon by them, or perceive this to be a treatise on "how other's should be." Just my humble ideas and opinions. People should not believe that I actually adhere to any of these things I talk about....Shar
poster:shar
thread:35331
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030120/msgs/35566.html