Posted by laural on October 19, 2000, at 7:33:47
In reply to Re: Pass on the CNP » Noa, posted by CarolynAnn on October 18, 2000, at 19:30:31
hi-
what part of me is the meds the illness and what is ME?
My mom and I were talking about this a while ago. When youre sick you become completely self-involved, almost like survival mode. you have no energy or insight into helping others because you really do need to help yourself first. i look back to when i was really sick and was and often still am ashamed at who i was--so selfish and demanding, draining. i lost all my friends this way, needing far more than they could give and then hating them for not being willing to be my emotional slave. some of them really were pansies--they could have a least come to see me in the hospital--
Anyway, i know, however, that i am lovable likeable and quite giving when i can let down my guard against all those demons I often also feel that i must be one of the weakest people in the world due to lack of motivation but i know how i was before i got sick and d-mn it i'm still alive! i survived and i didn't hurt anybody (physically) other than myself the fights not over yet, never will be, but since i managed to controle my self-medication and stick to my meds, once we found some that worked somewhat, i've been leveling out. once that happened, it was like something woke inside me that had been frozen from when i first got really sick and i started making up for lost time, i developed in maturity and am presently solidifying my identity, something that most people do in high school or early college but that i at age 25 am now beginning to do. even at the height of my illness i was still me, just very guilty and pessimistic and desperate. subtract all the adjectives that people describe depression or mania or psychosis etc from your personality ask someone else who they see you as on your good days who you are is that part of you that lying on the bathroom floor, makes you get up and treat your wounds, makes you come to this web site, makes you try in any way to better yourself, your life. who you are is what is hurting when the disease tells you you are something other than what you really are--laural
poster:laural
thread:990
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20001011/msgs/1287.html