Posted by ksvt on October 17, 2000, at 21:20:27
In reply to Re: Pass on the CNP » ksvt, posted by noa on October 17, 2000, at 6:33:54
> Ksvt, what I meant is that when you imagine your depression, does it seem to be something separate, outside yourself? Like Coral's image of a beast--something attacking from outside the self.
>
> If one can picture their depression as something separate, and outside the self, I think it is easier to preserve a positive sense of self, whereas those of us who have felt depression is part of our self may have a harder time feeling like we like ourselves.
>
> I guess my hypothesis is that people who have suffered from depression from a young age are more likely to have difficulty separating their experience of depression from their experience of their self, at least while depressed (for me, anyway, my thinking is mood-dependent). And, people who encounter depression for the first time as adults, may not have as much difficulty with this--they have a solid sense of who they are, and see the depression as something other than them.
>
> Does this make sense?Noa - my depression generally feels like it is the essence of my being so I'm not sure I've ever been able to externalize it. How freaked out I get about it depends on whether it has a permanent feel to it or whether I can recognize it as a temporary feeling. I usually feel that I've brought it on myself by something I did or didn't do or that i didn't see danger signals early enough and therefore didn't take necessary steps to avert it. There was a time when i worried tremendously about getting hit with another major episode. It's like waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop. Maybe during this time I was viewing it as an external force which might hit without warning. I can't figure out whether I'm better or worse off for getting over the persistent feeling that depression would strike without warning. I don't have that same worry but I also have little confidence that I'll be able to live relatively depression free. It's like I've traded the fear of major onslot for the notion of living with a lesser level all the time. Now it's not external anymore - it just seems like me and it's hard to like myself with that preoccupation. Your theory about age makes sense on its face altho I trace my depression back to my first big episode in my mid-twenties, and not really before. The next one didn't hit until about 18 years later, but its not like there were lots of bright lines between my depressed self and non depressed self. I think I was building up to the second one for a long time and as such, I just can't really remember anymore what it felt like to have no impression of depression. BTW and in reference to your post on another thread, you shouldn't worry about having lost your 30's to depression. From my observation, you're a mere babe in relation to lots of us. (I am 48) You have tons of time to make up ground and probably tons more wisdom that many of your contemporaries. ksvt
poster:ksvt
thread:990
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20001011/msgs/1234.html