Posted by llrrrpp on June 26, 2006, at 14:50:31
In reply to Re: Upset Confused! *trigger domestic violence* » AuntieMel, posted by corafree on June 26, 2006, at 10:06:20
Hi corafree,
this sounds incredibly difficult. I know it's hard for you to see the ones you love the most spending their lives around the one you hate the most. That's a terrible thing to be caught between.My father was verbally abusive to my mother for my entire life. It's so hard to stand up for my mother and love her and support her. It's so hard to love my father. He never did anything TO me to hurt me. But I still have wished him dead. I'm not scared of him. I have many fond memories of him. No one else in the world got to be the object of his violent temper besides my mother. Okay, about once a year we kids would get yelled at and maybe even spanked by him for something that we did that was definitely deserving of some discipline. But it wasn't enough to make me scared. I think your children know that this man is capable of some very scary behavior, but they have compartmentalized it as "behavior that only happens around mother" and that's how they are able to make themselves feel safe and loved by him. It must be incredibly difficult, especially when you want to be there for your daughter- this is the life event when I want my mom to be there for me.
your children are in a difficult place too. They want to love BOTH their parents, and it's natural for children to forgive their parents for a lot of wrongs, just because children WANT to love their parents. AuntieMel is right, though, forgiving is not forgetting. They are not fools. They know what he has done. You don't *need* their validation to know that he is a very evil man and has done evil things to you. But it sure would help you feel better if your children "punished" him by refusing to associate with him. That would feel good to you, but it might not be the healthiest thing for your children or grandchildren. I'm in no position to say what's healthy for your family or not. I'm just speaking from my own personal experience.
I'm not really able to see what your options are, only that you are doing really well so far. Avoid being alone with him, by all means. If you must see him, only in a public place, like a hospital or around friends and family that make you feel safe.
And as easy as it is for me to glibly say- don't let him hurt you any more by dwelling on the past, I'm not going to. He's your past, but he's also in your present, AND, he'll be in your future too, as long as your children make him part of their lives. But he doesn't have to consume your present. Think about the wonders of having a new baby in the family. The amazing love that you feel for your daughter. These are very pure emotions. Can you try to keep them pure, by shutting the presence of your ex out? Ignoring his person, and also his representation in your memory? It must be incredibly difficult. I'm so sorry that you were hurt by this man. No one deserves to be treated that way. And your continuing physical and paychological pain must make things a real stuggle. Keep yourself safe Corafree. You are a wonderful person and a loving mother and grandmom too. (((gentle hugs for Corafree))). And congratulations on the new baby :)
yours,
-ll
poster:llrrrpp
thread:661077
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20060621/msgs/661631.html