Posted by uneeq1 on December 6, 2005, at 4:10:30
In reply to Re: Affairs » uneeq1, posted by allisonross on December 5, 2005, at 15:12:45
> Hi, sweetie: My ex wasn't cheating, but he abused me for 31 years. It was the scariest, most excruciating decision to divorce him. It has been 5 months now. I did it because i realized I deserved a man of integrity; someone with empathy, warmth....all of the things we need as humans. I did a ton of research. he is a narcissist with something called a "personality/character disorder.>>
Thanks for your reply. It has been suggested to me by a couple of the psycologists we have seen that my husband also suffers from some sort of personality/character disorder. He has a twisted sense of reality and of right and wrong.
I, like you, also want more out of my life. I want to experience "real" love. I don't feel my husband could ever love me or anyone else for he is too selfish. I was actually told this after I had been dating him for two years by a pastor. I didn't believe him because of course I was still in denial.<< Abandoned and failed by everyone in my life (beginning with a father I never new): i battled the fear of being alone. >>
I battle this as well. I grew up in a very alcoholic family and was abused.
>
> Knowing the difference between "our' stuff and THEIR "stuff" is a huge key. You did nothing to make him cheat.
<<Knowing I did nothing to "make" him cheat has been the hardest for me to accept. I am far from perfect. I am a horrible housekeeper. That's his reason for cheating. I still battle this. I don't organize myself, my time, or my things as I need to. I am learning though.
> have you considered counseling for yourself? Would he go? Why did he cheat? Does he want to save the marriage? So many questions to be answered.
>
Yes, we have all been to counseling. We have been together for a short while. The first counselor we went to my husband had an attitude of " so what, it's no big deal. I didn't have affairs, I just had one night stands." They all weren't one night stands though. Even if they were that is still cheating.
I went by myself and with the kids for a while. He joined us at a second psycologist, a woman this time. He went in there and said he didn't think we needed to talk about it anymore and that I just needed to get over it. He taped meetings behind her back and threw stuff said in our faces. I told her and she made me search him in her office before meetings. She still though took his side and said if I stayed then the best thing was to not bring it up, believe in him and deal with it myself. I quit going to her. I was seeing a psychiatrist in the same group. He had a fit upon finding this stuff out. My husband also taped him and ticked him off so bad that they ended up in argument over my depression meds. Husband is not supportive in that area. He plans to use this against me in court if I leave him. Oh well.
....and you and your husband separately, if he realizes he has a problem and wants to change to save the marriage. He made a choice to cheat
>
> He wants either to own up to it, and figure out why he did/does this, and whether he cares enough about you and the kids to figure himself out and change. Even if he does ever choose to do this I don't know if it will mattter. It will matter as far as his relationship with our kids but to us, I just don't know. Sometimes too much is just too much.
> > The big question is: What is it you want?>
That is a good question. I don't trust my feelings. I need to find a way to learn to do that. Maybe I'll try the counseling again.
If I could just learn what is emotion and what is true feelings I think it would make things so much clearer. I also feel that maybe this all boils down to fear of change.
poster:uneeq1
thread:585656
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20051204/msgs/585999.html