Posted by allisonross on December 5, 2005, at 15:12:45
In reply to Affairs, posted by uneeq1 on December 5, 2005, at 2:18:42
> I haven't seen this addressed anywhere else on this site so I decided to open it up.
Hi, sweetie: My ex wasn't cheating, but he abused me for 31 years. It was the scariest, most excruciating decision to divorce him. It has been 5 months now. I did it because i realized I deserved a man of integrity; someone with empathy, warmth....all of the things we need as humans. I did a ton of research. he is a narcissist with something called a "personality/character disorder.
Abandoned and failed by everyone in my life (beginning with a father I never new): i battled the fear of being alone.
> I am coming up on the 10th year anniversary of finding out (again) that my husband is cheating.
> He went 10 years without cheating and then did it again. I have tried to save my marriageyou cannot save it---alone
despite these things for many reasons. I tried because I wanted to give my kids what I didn't have - an intact home. Lesson learned on that - just because it's intact doesn't mean it's healthy or happy. Maybe just maybe it would have been better to leave and start over. I tried to save our marriage because in the beginning none of the kids knew and they loved their Dad. Lesson learned - no matter how hard you try they always find out. My oldest two don't respect him and are angry. They are having relationship problems now that they are older, as I did. I didn't save them from anything. I guess another reason I tried to salvage my so called marriage is because I felt responsible. I bought all of his garbage as to why it was my fault. Some of the reasons why our marriage isn't happy is my fault. But, it's not my fault he chose to cheat. That's his lack of integrity and general "the world owes me" attitude. He expects miracles of everyone else and nothing of himself.
> Why am I bring this garbage up now? I am finally feeling better and more like myself now that I am taking good meds for my depession and I am thinking clearly for a change. Won't go into that subject any further as I post in another area on this site for that.
> How do you learn to trust your feelings?
I don't know.I find that often when I talk about this situation with the adultery I feel I betray him.
He betrayed you, himself, the marriage and your children.
This makes me feel guilty and therefore allow myself to feel closer to him.
Knowing the difference between "our' stuff and THEIR "stuff" is a huge key. You did nothing to make him cheat.
However, once he actually touches me in anyway or kisses me I am reminded that the feelings on my part just aren't there anymore.
HOW could they be??!!
I know this sounds really weird but it's confusing the hell out of me.
It's not weird; it IS NORMAL.
My head tells me one thing, my heart appears to tell me another. Then reality happens and it appears to tell me another. How do you know, really know when it's really over? How do you know if it's really what you feel or just emotion?
have you considered counseling for yourself? Would he go? Why did he cheat? Does he want to save the marriage? So many questions to be answered.
> 45 but feeling like a two year old.
I would suggest therapy for YOURSELF and the children.......and you and your husband separately, if he realizes he has a problem and wants to change to save the marriage. He made a choice to cheat
He wants either to own up to it, and figure out why he did/does this, and whether he cares enough about you and the kids to figure himself out and change.
I don't know how you learn to trust, after that has been broken.....It's a time thing, I think.
Hugs, Ally
The big question is: What is it you want?>
>
poster:allisonross
thread:585656
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20051204/msgs/585781.html