Posted by Tamar on October 27, 2005, at 3:10:08
In reply to male/female friendships are hard, posted by happyflower on October 26, 2005, at 21:58:20
Hi Happyflower,
> I recently started to play the trumpet again after 15 years, and I take lessons from a formal teacher I had in college. Since I am not really a kid or student, our relationship is more friend like than anything. This is good because we play in musical groups together.
Yeah, that sounds like a good basis for a friendship.
> We have a very honest relationship and I see him like a brother. He is like 24 yrs older. I am not attracted to him at all, and I think the same is for him too. I have a lot of fun joking around him and we enjoy each other company. We like to talk about playing the trumpet and music.
As long as you’re sure he isn’t attracted to you…
> Well a group of us trumpet players were going to take a lesson from a famous trumpet player about 5 hours away. I had to cancel a couple of days before the trip. Well I left a message on the phone that I couldn't go. Well he neglected to tell his wife that a women was going on this trip (I would have my own hotel room). Well when this wife saw me she got very jeolous of me.
I wonder why he didn’t tell her you’d be going… Did he just forget? Did he know she’d be jealous and hope she wouldn’t find out? Are you sure he isn’t attracted to you? Or maybe he is just an uncommunicative person so she gets jealous because she thinks there must be something going on because he isn’t telling her anything… so he doesn’t tell her anything because that would make her jealous…
> Now I feel like my teacher is pulling away from me, isn't as friendly as he used to be. It kinda hurts, because I saw him as a friend. Plus I take weekly lessons from him too, and see him a couple of other days per week too for band rehearsals. I am trying to open myself up more to people and make friends since therapy. The first person I did, now is messed up. Maybe I should to stick to women friends only. I don't want to cause any problems for anyones marriage. It seems like everyone is leaving me lately. It makes me wonder what is wrong with me.I’m sorry your teacher/friend seems to be pulling away. Have you tried talking to him about it? I don’t think you should ask him whether his wife is jealous, but maybe you could say something like you got the impression his wife didn’t like you and you wondered if you’d done something to offend her… or something like that. Maybe he’ll tell you what’s going on.
I don’t think you need to avoid male friends… but male friends with jealous wives can be difficult. I guess it depends how much the man understands his wife’s jealousy. He has to be able to deal with it.
It’s an unfortunate way to lose a friendship, where there was absolutely nothing going on but the guy’s wife didn’t like it. It’s very sad when wives don’t trust their husbands to be just friends with a woman. But then, I suppose I don’t know what else is going on in someone’s marriage…
poster:Tamar
thread:572247
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20051002/msgs/572296.html