Posted by Larry Hoover on June 8, 2005, at 8:42:50
In reply to Can't get past this HATRED, posted by margie24 on June 8, 2005, at 3:10:00
Margie, I think it's wonderful that you posted and asked for advice. You are way too close to the forest to see the trees. I think you're so close to the forest, your nose is to the bark.
I don't know why, but I feel like I'm channeling Abigail Van Buren.
If you love your brother, you will purge yourself, block this out, put on a mask, whatever it is you have to do, to be there and celebrate his wedding with him. This is his day, and whatever you think of her is irrelevant. He made his choice. Honor him.
And the day after. And the day after that. Do it again. And again.
I know you called him that day out of love and concern. And whether it had anything to do with how things changed, or not, you basically set him up to choose between two options. He made his choice.
That doesn't stop him from being your brother, who you love very much. And you will be there for him, if the wheels do come off his world, the way you fear they might. As his sister, I think you should try to be there for him if the wheels stay on his Barfmobile, too. Their financial world is really none of your business.
You're upset over things over which you have no control. Not only do you have no control over them, they really are none of your business. Your mom can speak to her daughter-in-law-to-be, or her son, to clear things up. Or her husband could do that. How did it fall to you to bear the indignation?
The Serenity Prayer is a very useful exultation. It was not written for AA, nor does it only belong there. Its printed history has been traced back at least to the 14th century, and the philosophy itself has been traced to Boethius (480-524 A.D.).
God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the differenceOr, the people version thereof:
God, grant me the serenity
To accept the people I cannot change
The courage to change the ones I can
And the wisdom to know that one is meFor your own sake, and peace, if you find yourself unable to work through this on your own, I suggest that you find a good family relationship counsellor. Somebody who understands power struggles in family dynamics. I think that's what's at issue here. Who is in control.
All the best,
Lar
poster:Larry Hoover
thread:509523
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20050531/msgs/509583.html