Posted by panthers!!! on June 16, 2005, at 12:27:00
In reply to Can't get past this HATRED, posted by margie24 on June 8, 2005, at 3:10:00
Hi Margie,
I saw your thread and I felt for you. I have had family issues myself with a step-mother for YEARS! She was the same description you have given of your brother's wife. I held grudges, had violent thoughts, used the same words to describe her, however I finally realized that the problem was really not mine. I acted as though it was mine, as if I was married to her, as if she was taking MY money not my Dad's.... But the fact is, I chose to burden myself by judging, creating hostility and ultimately I lost my Dad and his relationship for several years because of ME! Ultimately, I lost. She did not change, I was miserable and angry and hateful, and I lost my family relations for a long time. I decided I was going to change ME because I longed for my father's relationship and this hurt more than any anger ever could. All the time that passed before I got a grip that I needed to change. It was so very hard to decide to release these built-up feelings, but I'll tell you what, after I did it and it was for ME, no one else, I have never felt more free. I use this in every relationship I am in, and I think if you really do this, YOU WILL BE SO FREE!However, the truth is that you need to ask yourself some questions...TOUGH QUESTIONS! These questions HAVE to be asked and you will use this for any relationship that may have some struggles or issues.
WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN so you can answer them and actually see all of your feelings on paper. Take a lot of time to do this, as much as you need, really contemplate these thoughts and be brutally honest with yourself. Do this at a time you have some privacy and quiet. This will organize your mind and compartmentalize your feelings into small manageable pieces. This makes our true feelings less cluttered with chatter and others opinions. Write only exactly what you feel, your answers inside of you, forget everyone else for a moment...
O.K. Here are the questions:(PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE TRY THIS ENTIRE EXERCISE IF YOU ARE TRULY COMMITTED TO RELEASE AS YOU STATED IN YOUR THREAD :))What are all of the reasons I dislike "BARF"? (why YOU dislike her, as far as her, not your bro, mom or anyone else)
What are all the things "BARF" has done to me personally? (again, just you such as name calling to your face, hitting, stealing, anything you have had done to you by her)
What do I resent "BARF" for in respect to my family? (now you may list all of the issues concerning your brother, mother etc., things you feel have changed, missed out on, things such as this)
What values does "BARF" hold that I disagree with? (In respect to money, social issues, anything she has expressed verbally or you have interpreted through observation)
What does "BARF" have that I am envious of? (Cars, Jewels, friends, looks, time w/ bro, anything in this area. BE HONEST!It is O.K. to write it down, or you will never be able to completely heal.)
What has hurt me most since "BARF" and I have shared the same family? (time w/brother, seeing mom sad, etc. NO BLAMING! Just what has hurt YOU!!!What efforts have I made to approach "BARF" and express these hurt feelings to HER?
What have I done to be supportive toward my brother and his wife "BARF" since their marriage? (BE HONEST)
What negative effects has my family experienced/still experiencing by holding on to this hatred for "BARF"? (List arguments w/husband, kids, mothers, missing family get togethers, etc.)
What am I showing/teaching my family and my brother with this anger and hatred for "BARF"?(holding grudges, being judgemental, gossip, etc.) Do these actions help my family and I grow or does it create tension and dissolve happiness?
What do I value most in my life and of my family? (honesty, integrity, etc.)
Am I living according to my values? With my brother? With "BARF"?
What do I need to do to live according to my values and beliefs?
How can I set an example for my family, which is so very dear to me, to show by ACTIONS and words that I live according to my values (even if it may still not have the exact outcome I expect?)
What can I DO to stay true to myself and my family and what WILL I do to release the anger and pain that may be challenging but necessary to learn acceptance?
What are the issues regarding my brother and "BARF" that I will no longer be angry, mad, upset, hurt, etc. affected by because I will no longer hold on to them as they are NOT mine? (Their money issues, jobs, their relationship, etc)
What will I SAY to my brother to let him know that I am wrong for over-stepping my boundaries? (Though I may not agree with some of his decisions completely, I will NOT let my personal bias, opinion or judgement disrupt our family nucleus any longer as our family and OUR relationship is so important to me I will unconditionally love you and I have complete respect for your relationship with "BARF" and I am SORRY that precious time has been taken from us.
KEEP THIS AND REALLY UNDERSTAND IT. You will be mentally, emotionally, and spiritually free when you finally release your negative feelings and prosper in your new free life!!!
How do I want to release this anger once and for all!?!? Get a cup or plate that you can throw out. Write the top 15 words you have used to describe "BARF" or words you associate with her in a negative way and write it on the plate w/marker. {I know this sounds silly, but it works!!} Now, go to an area of your home or yard or wherever you will have quiet. Tell yourself this: "I am ready to release all of the anger I have had for "BARF" today. I no longer resent, hate, judge, or devalue "BARF". "Barf" is a part of my family now and she makes my brother happy and I WILL be happy for him. I will no longer believe or value these words: (say words on plate) and I will not let these words exit my mouth in regard to ANY member of my family, regardless of the circumstances. By smashing this plate, I am destroying all of the negative thoughts, feelings, and words that have held me back from living my life as I want with the values I truly uphold.
SMASH THE PLATE! Stand there for just a moment and take in a fresh breath of air. Smells sooooo Good!!!
Keep several pieces of this plate and keep it to remind you of your commitment to your family and your values.
If you would like, have your family watch this so they will know the extent of your commitment to change for the better.
YOU DID IT!!!!!!I hope this has been a real life changing process for you and others if they are able to read this.
poster:panthers!!!
thread:509523
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20050531/msgs/513736.html