Posted by Susan47 on May 23, 2005, at 14:37:14
In reply to Re: (((SUSAN47)))- little trigger, maybe, posted by sunny10 on May 23, 2005, at 7:39:32
It's real. We have coped. We haven't killed ourselves. We haven't gone to jail. We haven't had domestic violence, not in a physical way, not badly enough bent out of shape to require true clinical care, not yet. And because we are that, we're walking that tightrope, we think others should be able to see what only We truly can.. the abyss on the other side.
I know I tried to convey to my therapist how once you've seen behind the door, there's no going back to innocence. I don't know if he understood. He did on one level, but I realize now that I probably meant that in another way as well. I wish I knew what he were thinking. What he thought.. I remember him telling me, once, about my feelings of responsibility for hurting this guy, he said, "Well you don't know what he was like though, maybe he was like that with every woman, maybe he fantasized something and then grieved when it didn't happen".. or something like that. Hmmm. I wonder why I remember it that way. In any case, he knows about letting go, he can advise others to do that in a very logical way, so I assume he knows how to do it as well and practices that. I was always feeling like I was under his thumb, you know.. the scales were completely out of kilter in that relationship. It wasn't right. It should never have happened that way, I never should've kept seeing him once I kind of realized I didn't trust him. I thought too that my mistrust had a good reason behind it, but on the other hand see he hadn't actually said or done anything physical that was out of whack. So then I thought well, I'm wrong, my impression was incorrect, and therefore I have to work on my mistrust of men and I have to get through this, and I'm going to give this therapy everything I've got, because I don't want to keep feeling that way about men. Whew. I think I changed the subject again. I'm rambling, sorry. Gettin' it all out there. Baby.. so it doesn't bother me again.
poster:Susan47
thread:499824
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20050505/msgs/501774.html