Posted by Tamar on April 13, 2005, at 20:38:35
In reply to Sex again. Sigh., posted by Dinah on March 22, 2005, at 18:30:05
Dinah, I realise I’m coming late to this post, but I’ve had some similar problems and I was touched by your words.
Several things occurred to me:
Do you find your husband physically attractive? Do you look at him and find him appealing? If so, then perhaps things could become easier for you. If not, have you *ever* found him attractive, and can you imagine feeling attracted to him? I think it would be difficult to find a solution if you just don’t find him at all attractive.
Moreover, it’s not just your husband who is living with the consequences of your aversion to sex. You’re also living with the consequences. It causes you anxiety, and you don’t get the enjoyment that other people get from sex with a partner. You may not feel you’re missing out, but nevertheless you do express concern for the state of your marriage. Marriage tends to be characterised as an institution in which both parties can find pleasure in each other’s bodies.
I have no memory of any sexual abuse in my childhood, but I have a lot of the symptoms, including an aversion to sex, kissing, touching and so on. I found that the advice given to survivors of CSA was helpful to me, even though I don’t identify myself as a victim/survivor of CSA. However, I suspect that my aversion was not as extensive as yours.
However, the bottom line for me (i.e. the thing that made sex possible and even enjoyable) was communication with my husband, and I sense that you are reluctant to tell your husband the truth about how you feel about sex. I suppose at this point your husband might think that your whole history as a couple was based on an untruth. On the other hand, I can’t imagine how you might begin to feel comfortable with his touch unless he understands what is at stake for you. My husband absolutely had to understand why I was dodging his kisses in order to help me to feel safe (even though I don’t even know why I needed to feel safe).
I wonder if you are looking for a solution that would make sexual contact more comfortable for you without admitting to your husband how you really feel. Maybe it would be more profitable to find ways of communicating your aversion without making it seem like your husband’s fault. However, I know that’s a big risk to take.
Does all this make any sense? If I’m out of line I humbly apologise.
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:474222
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20050325/msgs/483910.html