Posted by sunny10 on March 29, 2005, at 8:45:44
In reply to Re: AuntieMel et al, I need some advice..., posted by mynamehere on March 28, 2005, at 11:47:54
The part that I struggle with THE MOST is the fact that I have my demons, too... Not drugs, but low self-esteem, fear that I am paranoid, et cetera. The paranoia rears its ugly head at times like last night, when I decided to go upstairs and take a bath.
I'm lying in the tub, when I hear my SO come verrrry quietly up the stairs, down the hall, and into his closet where he keeps a lockbox. One to which he is the only keyholder. I hear the lock, then the drawer slide open/then closed/then the lock again. I don't hear much after that- and he is not usually a quiet person. I think maybe I'm crazy, but then I hear the ice clink in his drink as he passes the bathroom door; again, verrry quietly.
I am now in the tub, not relaxed at all, and all I can think of doing is catching him at it. I am extremely agitated, so I get out of the tub, giving up on my hour of relaxation. Later on, I am on the couch, watching tv. He comes and joins me. I try to act like nothing is wrong; my feet slide into his lap, across the pocket where he usually carries the little plastic zipper bag when he suddenly jumps up and goes to the bathroom.
But throughout all of this drama going on in my head about the "actions he has been taking" all evening; his eyes are not dilated and glacier- (they ARE a bit bleary from rum) his forehead isn't peeled upwards and his brows up (a usual sign he is coked up).
So I have to ask myself, am I crazy? How can I trust him again? If I ask if he is using again, he'll lie.
So we get to the nitty-gritty. How do I know whether he is a good person or a bad person? How much of the deceit and lies is the drug adddiction and how much is the man himself? And how much of the problem is now me being hypervigilant? How do I learn to trust again?
But, in true self-preservation, the most important question to me right now is whether this person is actually the good soul that I thought him to be before he started using again- or, perhaps more accurately, before I REALIZED he had started using again (or maybe it is that he has always been using, but I was too naive to notice)...
Does any of this make sense? I loved the person that I lived with before I realized that he was actively involved in shortening his own life just to get high. I'm not sure anymore whether that person I loved exists (hidden by addictive behavior), or was I just believing a bunch of lies the whole time?
Any ideas on this one?
Thanks,
sunny10
poster:sunny10
thread:474910
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20050325/msgs/477141.html