Posted by AuntieMel on March 25, 2005, at 15:11:59 [reposted on March 25, 2005, at 18:39:21 | original URL]
In reply to AuntieMel? I need your advice..., posted by sunny10 on March 24, 2005, at 9:34:32
I was hauling my mom to her doctors all day yesterday.
>>>>>>>how, exactly, do I make myself stop caring that my SO is killing himself? How do I "act like" it doesn't bother me that we will have no future together if he kills himself with a coke anuerism like his brother did?
You can't. The day you stop caring is they day to call it quits.
The hardest, but most important, thing is to separate your feelings towards him from your feelings about what he's doing. It's perfect normal to love the person and hate the actions. And I don't see any reason you should be quiet about that - as long as it is clear that you're not making a personal attack on *him*
All of the things you are thinking can be said if you keep in mind two things - don't try to talk to him when he's high - and don't shout and accuse him. The first one is a waste of breath and the second one will only make him defiant.
And do not think that he doesn't love you the same way. Keep reminding yourself - IT'S THE DRUGS TALKING.
He's loving you the best way he knows right now.
And if he likes it or not, he does need help. When he says he needs help you can quote Dr. Phil "how's that been working so far?"
Would he go to a meeting if you went, too? Is an intervention an option? What would happen if you started going to al-anon meetings? Hey - if anyone can help you get perspective the al-anonies can. They've all been right where you are.
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Now - financials. Rule no. 1 (you just learned the hard way) NEVER give money to an addict. There's a guy in my wednesday group that owes the IRS 500K. When he lost his job, he cashed out his 401(k) plan - 1.2Mil - and didn't pay taxes on it. The money all went up his nose and now he's broke, hoping for govt disability. He wants to try movint every year or two till the statute of limitations runs out.
Credit card companies want their money. They do not want you to declare bankrupcy. Do *not* talk to the collection agencies - they don't care. Try calling the cards directly and see if you can work out a payment plan and see if they will waive the interest. You probably won't get anyone useful at first, so ask for that person's supervisor. Be honest, tell them you would like to pay your bills and avoid bankruptcy, but you can't pay the full amount right now.
If that doesn't work, you can try one of the consumer debt counseling agencies, but be very, very careful. Some of them can be ripoffs.
And for rent? Who says you should pay for 2 places? If it comes to that, you aren't the one snorting the rent money.
{Arg. Should I say more? Push submit or not? I'm afraid I've been too blunt. what to do, what to do}softer: please take good care of yourself. I'm leaving for home now, but I'll try to check in over the weekend. kisses.
poster:AuntieMel
thread:474910
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20050325/msgs/475599.html