Posted by Susan47 on March 24, 2005, at 18:27:10
In reply to Re: AuntieMel et al, I need some advice..., posted by sunny10 on March 24, 2005, at 14:51:26
This must feel overwhelming, all of it.
I'd crumble under the pressure, I know I would because I have. Walking around bumping into things, into walls, doorways, doorknobs, countertops, seeing but not really seeing at all. Living, but not alive.
For years. I don't want that for you. You don't want that, either. You can see something is going to happen, something HAS to happen because this momentum cannot continue; things will fall apart unless something changes, and even then, things may fall apart.
You probably don't have a year and a half to wait. Because he may kill himself today, or tomorrow, and in your heart you know that; it's too much to ask anyone to live with, isn't it? Is it? I don't know. Only you can answer ...
Understanding why he does it might help you feel closer to him, if that's what you want. I can tell you he doesn't do it only because "it's fun".
It's much, much more than that. Unless you've been there you don't know. I don't know what it's like for him, either. Drugs are not the things they were twenty or thirty years ago, even five ... they're incredibly powerful. But you can't feel the wonderfulness of it without understanding the need in others.
It's just one of those things. To someone who "needs" it, the drug is life itself, it's a slice of living. It's awful, horrible, because you can never do that for yourself, you're always reaching, reaching, without the drug there is a caul over me, reaching into my soul, but with it, with it I can fly, really and truly, and I can see the flight reflected in the eyes of the world. And when I see the end coming, the end is in sight, now, and the dead feelings are coming back, where's the next hit, where Is It, I can't live in this state, this is horrible, if this is life they can have it ... that's what it's like for me, and the stupid thing about it all is that if I could just stop the feelings of panic about being alone, being just me by myself, and okay with that, and know that I am powerful and good and strong and whole, and beautiful in my way and loved and living, I wouldn't need to look anywhere else. If I had that feeling, the powerful Love feeling, if I mentally exercised, I KNOW I can make it happen for me without any help.
I know that, but I the drug makes me weak, and every time I take it it makes me weaker, but I don't feel weaker, I feel stronger, you see, because the more I take it the better the numbing effect, and the better the numbing the weaker I become... numb.... good, that's so good...ah, better, this is good, I love life...then the slowing down, "reality" starts to intrude, I can't take it, I'm not strong enough to do this alone, I'm not who I thought I just was, I liked that person so much, I need the magic, please oh just give me that feeling again, I promise I'll be stronger next time, I'm sure, in fact, that if I do a bit less this time I can wean myself... I have to wean myself, you know, it's a gradual process ...So in that way I can really sympathize with SO, and I have to admit I probably would like him if I met him IRL. But he would scare me, too. The intensity of the drug he's doing would drive someone like me absolutely insane. I'd be afraid of being around him. I would also end up sleeping on the couch. Because I'd know who he really is, who he really WAS, and who he isn't right now, maybe not ever again, and I can't take that personally, it wouldn't be my fault, would it? Would it be my fault he was like that, would I feel like I had to stay so I could make it better? I might. Yup, I might all right.
In spite of the fact that this is so horrible, thanks for wanting me to be here, Sunny. I hope I had something helpful to say, and if I didn't, I can certainly try again?
You're up against it, and I'm so sorry and sad and I'm here if you need me you know that Sunny.
poster:Susan47
thread:474910
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20050212/msgs/475128.html